The First Temptation.

The first temptation came. It came loud and it came strong. I long to be against him. I long to sleep in his bed and smile as I watch him sleep a little while before I fall asleep myself. December is a long way from now. So many people have asked me why am I doing this. So many people believe I cannot complete the task. I must.

It moves me that he misses me. Three years beside him in the most complex connection I have ever been braided into. I miss him already. I am heading in a direction I cannot deny. It is time to spread my wings and fly.

Sex has gotten me into trouble more than several times. We all have vices, yes, but we all have the willpower at our disposal to control them. I love sex. I love the magnetism that begins the pull. I love the anticipation of the kiss. I love the accidental stroke of a hand. I love the red hot skin that pulses waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

I slept with Tanner's brother when I was a teenager. I was living with him! There are certain lines you are simply not supposed to cross in the intimacy game, and I just didn't know when to stop.

My ex-husband and I had a liberally open marriage. We set parameters for one another. Parameters that I did not honor. Parameters that I did not honor several times. I was always honest with him. I'm not really sure what good that served but he tried to honor me, to work through my infidelity and I tried to clean up my act. He forgave me multiple times.

Rachael.  That is all I can say. Those of you who know me well know exactly what that name means to me.

The night that I knew I had fallen in love with Agape, I swear that there was amber light in Venue that night connecting us from within and surrounding us all the same. I saw him in a way I never had before. We had sex one drunken time some months before that night. The next morning he called and said, "Rain, we have some things to discuss. Don't ya think?" I said, "Yeah, it looks like you're in love with me." And he replied, "It looks like your heart is responding. Can I take you out to breakfast?"

We went to Mr. Kim's on Goodman, my favorite breakfast place in the Roc.

We talked. We decided that morning to date and see where it went. I had never viewed him as more than my homie, a close friend, someone I could talk to about anything. We left and he asked if he could make love to me. I couldn't. I had BV from my prior relationship. It goes away with antibiotics, but it was because of that Agape and I still haven't made love till this day. I had no idea that morning that he would be incarcerated just a few short days later. What I would give to have that morning back!

After Paul and I broke up, I slept with a few really amazing men! I was getting out of control. I was excusing myself by using the pain of breaking up with Paul, losing Anny, my house, my dog and all the other people and things I lost at the time in my life. I knew I had to get control of my temple.

I came down here and spent New Year's Eve alone in my new apartment 2011/2012. Since then I have lived alone. I have done much better but I have been no where near the ideal I would set for myself. I have spent most of my time with one man for three years now. However, since we did not set any certain stipulations for each other, I definitely indulged on occasion. One particular time, I ended up with Trich. Let me tell you, NO FUN! Five bouts with antibiotics, complete abstinence for a few months and so much physical discomfort I would never wish it on anyone.

I don't think there is anything wrong with having sex. I don't think it has to only happen in a committed loving relationship either. I think adults should set standards and follow them. I feel people engaged in sexual activity should be honest with one another and be careful with each other's bodies for the sake of pregnancy and disease.

I think any good thing out of balance is a good thing out of balance. You dig?

I really want to know that I have my body in check. I want to know that I am strong enough to put me first. I want to know that I have my head clear and I can make all the important decisions wisely this year as I gear up for graduation.

No one said this would be easy. He came back at me a few times tonight. I crave him! There is a deep river of lust and sensuality between us. There is a lot more that we may never have the chance to tap into. I must do this thing!

24 days. Over 300 to go. Please pray with me. Send me energy. May I realize my potential. May I call on my strength. May I be all that I set out to be in this life. May I fulfill my destiny.

Amen.

~~*~~

RAin.

My Cross Cultural Psychology Autobiography Photo Project!

Honor Thesis Broad Abstract

Rain Christi

Honor Thesis Abstract

What “Racism” Means in 2015?

Since the Civil Rights Movement, we would like to believe we have made large amounts of progress when it came to ethnic inequality in this country. Some believe we have and others would say we may have even travelled backward. With the ability to record and share information in this digital age, many stories of violence against Blacks in our communities all across the United States have come to the forefront in the last couple years. Ferguson especially has made its way to our headlines mostly due to the reaction of that town and the media coverage their story received. Meet Lennon Lee Lacy a seventeen year old football star recently believed to have been murdered in a small town in North Carolina. The story is being released to the public as most likely being suicide; however, the story told from the perspective of the family is quite different. The KKK is still present in many states in our Union, North Carolina being one of them. There are “white” people who feel that “black” people have no reason to be angry any longer. There are “black” people who feel that “white” people obviously do not realize how alive and present the struggle still is. There are extremist stances of “Black Power” who believe the scales will not be even till the power is in their hands. Since the beginning of recorded history we have seen power struggles, slavery, and the thumb of oppression served on many indigenous peoples. Christianity when taken over by the Romans left a wide river of blood in its wake. The foundation of our very country rests on the bones of the indigenous people now called “Native Americans”. Biology is our witness to the inequality in every species population. Why should the human race be any different? However, with all the wealth that is in the world, why do people still starve till their unfortunate deaths on this planet? How did Hitler raise his arm and have millions follow his lead in the slaughter of anyone not believed to be of the Aryan race?

            Uhuru is a Swahili word for “freedom”. Under the direction of the African Socialist Party, “white” people who feel that reparations are owed the African people work together to educate the general population seeking to “change the narrative” and raise funds to make right all that was stolen from Africa. Under their leader, Omali Yeshitela, ideas like Capitalism and Socialism and people like Lenin and Marx are discussed and analyzed. The systematic accumulation of wealth at the expense of indigenous peoples is what Omali Yeshitela believes to be the culprit of the state of our black and white relations.

            I stand in solidarity with all indigenous people. I believe that any system built off the rape, pillage, murder and theft of indigenous lands is incorrect from its very foundation. However, are reparations truly the answer to fixing thousands of years of power hungry greed? Do all people deserve an equal chance at this life? Of course. Does America have the right to take whatever it wants from around the world? In my opinion, no. Does biology show us that species only survive through the fighting success of the fittest? Yes. Is it not common for the strongest in the pack of any animal to be toward the center so that the weakest are picked off by prey? Yes. Where does this leave us?

            Statistics would represent that blacks and whites are not yet equal in this country. Much has been adjusted since the work of those that fought in the Civil Rights Movement. Where do we go from here? Much of the problem that I see is a lack of information. Ignorance in this case is not bliss. Those that are crammed into tiny houses in small city streets of mostly blacks that have crime and poverty to face every day would perhaps cast daggers of hatred at a rich white person driving by. White people segregated in their big fancy houses may not realize what is actually still occurring. There are poor people in every ethnic description as well as rich people of all types. Yes it is still predominantly a white man’s world. There are many layers to this story and many perspectives to entertain.

            I will design a template of set questions related to the nature of racism and the perception of it in this country. I will articulate them clearly and in the same fashion every time. I will record (anonymously if so desired by the participant) the answers without interference from the interviewer. I will travel first my USF campus, then, the area surrounding it, branching out into multiple demographics always asking the exact same set of questions. Furthermore, I will fortify it by sharing statistics that relate to the narrative and stories of prominent focus around the country today. What I hope to attain is a grassroots view of how America perceives “racism” in the year 2015.

            I am reading “An Uneasy Equilibrium” where Omali Yeshitela is expounding on the evils of capitalism, the plight of indigenous peoples, the need for reparations to the African people and many other tributaries. I am digesting it slowly as he is clearly well versed and quite the scholar. I am curious as to how he feels that reparations are the answer to the social inequality and yes, ethnic inequality as well. By the end of my thesis I hope to agree or disagree with him and state clear and scientifically-backed reasons as to why.

            The African story is significant. The fact that the KKK still exists and there are still young men being hung to death for the color of their skin troubles me deeply. To know many “white” people in my own life that do not believe there is still an issue disturbs me greatly. I wish through this work to expose stories, ask questions, raise thoughts that may lead us to the next level of development in this matter. Like Martin Luther King, I too “have a dream”.

The next step.

I have watched Life Malcolm Stand Tall for every life stolen too soon. I sat next to him as he spoke about the atrocity of the police breaking all boundaries and accusing him and his family of animal cruelty for his beloved dog JJ. I have learned much from him over the past few years. I admire his strength, his stamina, his courage. He is afraid of nothing. He speaks when things must be said and he rallies much support from a community willing to come together and make waves of necessary change. I joined Uhuru after counseling with him. I wanted to do more, be more, move forward in this warfare against capitalism, against inequality.

When I received the news that his son had been murdered, my heart shattered in so many pieces. There are no words that can bring him back. There are no words that can right this wrong. Yet, as I lay awake in my bed, tears streaming down my cheeks, I knew that I must not allow his young Life lost to be in vain.

Life Jr. had his whole life ahead of him. He leaves sisters and family that care deeply for him. This tragedy has been a catalyst to lead me to the next open door. I must do more!

I was walking with a peer of mine on campus today. I was speaking of this great loss and speaking of my need to do more. I was discussing Uhuru with him, and talking about Doctor Yeshitela. I am in the midst of reading "An Uneasy Equilibrium". I am reading it slowly because it is a lot to digest. I was telling my friend that I would love for him to borrow it and read it once I was done. I was expressing to him how I felt a connection that made me believe he and I were meant to do work together. As we exited the building on campus that we were walking through, There were representatives from Uhuru with a table set up with the latest breaking news of actual truth to a people who have no idea what is actually going on in the world we live in.

We gathered in a circle. Expounded on our surrounding conditions, what we know must be done. We spoke of Life and his son. We cried. We communed. Sunday, after the funeral, Uhuru has a convention that will be held. I know that I must be present.

My friend and I walked away amazed by the power of the Universe that surrounds us. There is certainly so much pain. Tragedy. Injustice, but there is also love, hope and some good old fashioned magic. I was taken away by the fact that here I was telling him about Uhuru, Dr. Yeshitela and there they were, spreading the truth!

There are a lot of things I will be begin working on because of this great loss. I have given my vow to give my all for my entire life, and it is time to step up my game and move forward through that waiting open door.

I pray that all of you who read this will remember those we have lost this past year alone. I hope that you will all reach out to your community around you and be all that you can possibly become. I pray that for every life lost, you will in turn live yours to the fullest. Comfort those who are facing their tragedies.

We have been beaten. We have been lost. We have been raped. We have been hungry. We have been homeless. We are one human race. May we the people take back the reins and remember where we came from. Love one another. You never know when someone you love may be taken away.

Life!

There are no words that will ever suffice the loss of an unfinished young life. Still, as a lyricist, I wrote a poem, I made some commitments to myself and to this life unfinished. I promise to never allow his lost life to be in vain.

I weep
Although my tears feel stolen
Less than one week
After his fortieth birthday
No man should suffer
The loss of his son
Life
Mine or yours
Does one have more value
Than another?
How do we uncover the love
Being smothered by the hatred?
We have been weighted down
By diffidence too long
The dissonance
Does not become
The song
We are wrong in this war we wage
Souls to save
What is the price of a life?
The strife puts pressure
On the spine
Keeps us from remembering
Why we are Divine
Sublime images of joy
A father who loved his boy
Toiled long
And carried much weight
Anticipated greatness
In these social causes
He waved flags of justice
Why must this go on?

I promise you as I step forward into new levels of awareness and heightened social activism, I will allow your unfinished life to be a catalyst for me to do all I can to end this era and help those who have been working so hard to create new social systems for us to realize their dreams. I will honor your memory for the rest of my life and never let a day go by when I do not consider you. You shall not have died in vain.