The First Temptation.

The first temptation came. It came loud and it came strong. I long to be against him. I long to sleep in his bed and smile as I watch him sleep a little while before I fall asleep myself. December is a long way from now. So many people have asked me why am I doing this. So many people believe I cannot complete the task. I must.

It moves me that he misses me. Three years beside him in the most complex connection I have ever been braided into. I miss him already. I am heading in a direction I cannot deny. It is time to spread my wings and fly.

Sex has gotten me into trouble more than several times. We all have vices, yes, but we all have the willpower at our disposal to control them. I love sex. I love the magnetism that begins the pull. I love the anticipation of the kiss. I love the accidental stroke of a hand. I love the red hot skin that pulses waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

I slept with Tanner's brother when I was a teenager. I was living with him! There are certain lines you are simply not supposed to cross in the intimacy game, and I just didn't know when to stop.

My ex-husband and I had a liberally open marriage. We set parameters for one another. Parameters that I did not honor. Parameters that I did not honor several times. I was always honest with him. I'm not really sure what good that served but he tried to honor me, to work through my infidelity and I tried to clean up my act. He forgave me multiple times.

Rachael.  That is all I can say. Those of you who know me well know exactly what that name means to me.

The night that I knew I had fallen in love with Agape, I swear that there was amber light in Venue that night connecting us from within and surrounding us all the same. I saw him in a way I never had before. We had sex one drunken time some months before that night. The next morning he called and said, "Rain, we have some things to discuss. Don't ya think?" I said, "Yeah, it looks like you're in love with me." And he replied, "It looks like your heart is responding. Can I take you out to breakfast?"

We went to Mr. Kim's on Goodman, my favorite breakfast place in the Roc.

We talked. We decided that morning to date and see where it went. I had never viewed him as more than my homie, a close friend, someone I could talk to about anything. We left and he asked if he could make love to me. I couldn't. I had BV from my prior relationship. It goes away with antibiotics, but it was because of that Agape and I still haven't made love till this day. I had no idea that morning that he would be incarcerated just a few short days later. What I would give to have that morning back!

After Paul and I broke up, I slept with a few really amazing men! I was getting out of control. I was excusing myself by using the pain of breaking up with Paul, losing Anny, my house, my dog and all the other people and things I lost at the time in my life. I knew I had to get control of my temple.

I came down here and spent New Year's Eve alone in my new apartment 2011/2012. Since then I have lived alone. I have done much better but I have been no where near the ideal I would set for myself. I have spent most of my time with one man for three years now. However, since we did not set any certain stipulations for each other, I definitely indulged on occasion. One particular time, I ended up with Trich. Let me tell you, NO FUN! Five bouts with antibiotics, complete abstinence for a few months and so much physical discomfort I would never wish it on anyone.

I don't think there is anything wrong with having sex. I don't think it has to only happen in a committed loving relationship either. I think adults should set standards and follow them. I feel people engaged in sexual activity should be honest with one another and be careful with each other's bodies for the sake of pregnancy and disease.

I think any good thing out of balance is a good thing out of balance. You dig?

I really want to know that I have my body in check. I want to know that I am strong enough to put me first. I want to know that I have my head clear and I can make all the important decisions wisely this year as I gear up for graduation.

No one said this would be easy. He came back at me a few times tonight. I crave him! There is a deep river of lust and sensuality between us. There is a lot more that we may never have the chance to tap into. I must do this thing!

24 days. Over 300 to go. Please pray with me. Send me energy. May I realize my potential. May I call on my strength. May I be all that I set out to be in this life. May I fulfill my destiny.

Amen.

~~*~~

RAin.