Holy Days

I have no idea what to say or how to say it. I don't know what is about to come out on this page, but I have to try. The truth is I am compelled to write. I often feel like a vessel. Like my poetry and melodies come from the Divine and I am simply a messenger. An oracle.

Today much of the world celebrated an Americanized, Christianized, Capitalistic holiday with roots in many cultures from many different periods of time. Everyone who celebrated today has different value they placed upon this sacred day. For those of us who do not celebrate, we have reasons. Many of us have backed up our reasons with solid knowledge, with history stolen, with anti-materialistic sentiment. Whatever the case may be, for me, today was about family. For me, today was about love.

To me, the best definition of a Holy Day would be a day spent in sacred fashion. Sacred to me would mean living life to the fullest. I don't mean in gratification of the flesh but in fulfillment of the spirit. I believe we all have a highest self that we have the potential of attaining in this life. We all have things we excel at and we all have the vices that keep us from realizing our potential faster. As we approach this new year, many thoughts have begun to form in my mind.

When I told Tommy my intentions for 2015, he said he would bet me $500 that I could not go an entire year without having sex. The truth is sex has become tired. Most men think about sex more often than us and can turn almost any conversation into a sexual one. I am not really down for that. I am certain a lot of it has to do with how I was raised but I think there are so many subjects I'd rather we all spend time talking about. I don't like that I can start having a conversation with a man in complete innocence and say something completely unrelated and somehow innuendos begin to fly. Don't get me wrong. Sex with the right person is amazing. I love sex. I just don't love all the things that have become attached to it. Most men are selfish in bed and I cannot tell you how many of my partners (some that really loved me deeply) never worried about my orgasms or my pleasure. I cannot tell you how common it is today to be fucked but not kissed. I'd rather simply be held than that brand of sex.

Disease. Unwanted pregnancies. Non-supportive fathers. Rape. Cold, calculated distance. No kisses. Dirty secrets. No one knows you love me. I am not yours but the Divine forbid I belong to anyone else. Three years laying next to someone in the loudest silence I have ever known. I love him. I have made many mistakes in the lanes of lust, and I have accomplished much in the house of love. It is time that I prove to myself that I am able to place my vices in submission. It is time I showed the world how very much I love myself. It is time I remind the Divine how very committed I am to this mission. My life is a sacred journey. I want to make the most of it.

I have loved and been loved in so many beautiful ways. I have the most incredible people in my inner circle. I could not ask for a better crew. But maybe Tommy is right. I have held so much powerful love in the palms of these two hands. But where is my husband? Where is the father of my child? Where is my comrade in arms? Where is my solider for the cause? Where is my best friend? Where is my knight in shining armor? Where is my forever love?

I don't regret any love I have every known. Each lover was a sacred flame that taught me how to be a more brilliant fire. Each love is contained in a chamber of this giant Pisces heart. Each love lasted for the season it was meant for in my life.

What do I want from love? I want family. I want commitment. I want honesty. I want perseverance. I want a partner to travel this road with me. I want children. I want a strong chest I can cry on when the road is hard. I want someone just as committed to working hard and giving all he is made of as I am. I want forever love.

Becoming pregnant is a sacred act. Therefore, whoever I choose to have sex with would have to be capable of being a father to a child created. Disease is a reality that is an ever present danger. I must truly trust the person that I allow to lay next to me. So the rules are changing.

I know this is the hardest challenge I have ever set for myself. I know for certain that the finest men I have ever known will walk straight up to me in my most tempting hour. I know there will be nights when I come way too close to failure. But I have to do this.

I miss love. I miss being held. I miss trust. I miss waking up next to someone that loves me utterly and completely. I want eye contact. Hand holding. I want kissing. Kissing. Kissing. I want someone who shares my dreams, my goals and my most sacred of beliefs. I want a loving and passionate father to help me make well rounded children.

There are many sacred kings in my life. There are a few I have certainly considered marriage with. Agape Towns has proven his love to me. We have similar values, goals and determination. There are many obvious questions on the table and questions that only our souls need speak. What is meant to be will surely be.

It is my Senior year of my bachelor's degree. I need all this extra energy. This intensified focus to really shine as I weave my way forward into my Master's and my Doctorate. I need courage and peace and strength as I march into the Peace Corps or whatever door opens for me to travel the globe. I need to take all my extra energy and channel it into my life purpose. No distractions.

Today, I arrived at my family celebration with no makeup, very little hair product and no polish on my toes. I felt more content with myself than I have in a very long time. Each love attempts to augment the reflection of their counterpart to mirror things they are or things they need to receive. Every move or adventure, new group of friends or different city brings out slightly different parts of our character. Every stage and every microphone demands that we entertain the audience. Tommy said, "Just be you". Tommy also said I am always searching. He has been right on more than one occasion.

Truth is, I have things I need to do. Truth is, the greatest challenge and largest distraction in my life has been containing the lust that fuels my veins and feels so good. The truth is I have lived through a lot, I have overcome much and made many errors in judgment. I have loved and left. I have moved and learned. I have danced and laughed. I have grown and fallen down on my face. I must know that I am the woman you all believe me to be. I must see the reflection of the Divine in me.

I have waited this long to have a child because I want a father and a mother and a baby who grow in love and strength and harmony together. I want balance. I want truth. I want justice for all. I want freedom. I want life to be lived to its fullest. I want all that is meant for me. I want to inspire the world around me to get up and take life by the horns and know that it was good.

This road has been mine to tread since I was eleven years old and aware of my sexual nature. I have made much progress every day of my life. In Rochester, I remember reigning in and talking to Asia about re-channeling my energy from my solar plexus to my throat chakra. My voice has grown so much because of it. I cannot wait to see where this year takes me.

I know that the end of this year does not mean that my soul-mate will magically be standing next to me. I know there will remain many unanswered questions. I also know that I will be stronger, wiser, and more fit for the challenge that has been asked of me.

I want to commit myself to my highest self. I want to see my life truly shine. I want to be all I can be in this life.

I will purify myself and ready myself for my groom. For my child(ren). At thirty six I am considered by the medical world (at large) to be a high risk pregnancy. This year, I will eat a vegetarian life, consume no alcohol, and abstain from sex. I will pour myself into my school work, into my ministry, into developing my digital presence, into practicing for albums three and four, into stage productions and writing. Into my family. Into loving myself in a balanced and harmonious state. Into yoga and riding my bike and becoming fit once again. The best chances I have at successfully bearing and raising a child is to be the most fit and balanced version of me there is. This is my goal for 2015.

I have one year before I apply for Master's Programs. I have one year to complete my Bachelor's. I have one year to make my curriculum vitae really shine. I have one year to become ready to be the best mother I know how to be.

Maybe my mom is right and I am not going to end up with a family this lifetime. Maybe she is right when her instinct says that my calling is not an easy one and I could give of myself most effectively if I was a free agent (so to speak). Regardless of what the outcome is, I know this year will heighten my spiritual senses, it will harness my chi and my chakra energies. It will show me how strong I can truly be. It will send many temptations. It will challenge me utterly. But hey If I am the one for someone right now, I will be the one a year from now too. Asia doesn't think I have met him yet. I don't really know what to think any more. I am no longer searching. I am spending a year sacred unto my own soul.

I love and am loved by so many brilliant souls. I will need all of you to surround me with love and support, prayers and meditations to help me raise my vibration enough to accomplish this feat. I am aware that I am not the only person on Earth that has gone one year without having sex. I also know that those of you who know me best are aware of how strong the fire of lust within me rages. More than anything I thirst for connection, for companionship, for spiritual fire, for exponential growth. More than anything I thirst for love.

Walk with me. See what we might see.

Best Me in 2015!

2015

As the wind whipped wicked over the Howard Franklin Bridge, the tears washed down my face just like the rain was soaking the world around me. My father fed me, fueled me, fired me up with the rekindled purposed in the torch he passed to me tonight. I have been largely misunderstood my entire life. Nicknames were bestowed upon me as a child, Spaz, among others. I was different. We are taught that different is wrong. Whether it is a black man in a white neighborhood, a white piano player in a Black Baptist Church (that was me, true story), a man that loves a man but happens to play on the football team, a Catholic in Muslim territory...the list goes on. I have faults and strengths just like anyone, but I have gifts and thoughts that keep me segregated from the general population. I am loved by many. I am hated or feared by a few, but this is something I am used to. The tremendous blessing that has been offered to me since my return to the South has been the close relationship I have forged with both my father and my mother. I was considered the black sheep of the family for quite some time. My spiritual views and my sexual choices were considered from a distance, and I was held at arm's length for a time. The truth is that I have "studied to show myself approved". I have listened and learned from every facet of my existence. Tommy says I have not yet tasted "true love" and I assure you as I assured him, every love I have ever held only added to the wealth of my existence. If that is not TRUE than nothing I know will ever be. We have this fairy tale image of life in America. White people are rich. Heterosexual is normal. Men are stronger. True love lasts forever. The truth is life is lived from your perspective. We can walk together many a mile and still not understand one another or agree on our individual foundations. We may argue, we may love, we may break bread, we may hug, we may disagree, we may rub each other wrong, but at the end of the day, the soul inside each of our chests answers to the Divine Life Force within us in our own words, and our own timing, upon our own terms.

Life is asking a lot of me right now. This is perhaps the most major crossroads I have ever arrived at. I am embarking on a path that will take me to a whole new level of my existence, a whole new level of my commitment to the Divine, to myself, to those of you that love me so dearly.

I could not be me without my Father, My Mother, every lover I have ever held, ever friend that I have had, still have or have yet to find. I could not be me without every book I have ever read, every movie I have ever entertained, every melodic composition of music that has found space inside my brain. Every conversation held, every sleep taken, every adventure completed. I am me because of all that surrounds me, all that is inside me, all that inspires me to keep moving on.

Love is not a battlefield. It is not composed of ultimatums. It does not make demands nor demean its counterpart. It is not more important on one half of the equation. True love is 100/100. True love leaves both parties better people. True love causes a soul to fly free, experience life from a new perspective, and brings new strength, hope, and purpose to the Divine nature inside our human flesh. Love forgives. Love is eternal. Love is unconditional. Love is the higher frequency. Love is what we crave. Love is what our fingers search for in the absence of light. Love is the universal language. Love is Divine. Divine is Love. We are all we compose ourselves to be.

In the search for my highest self, I must face my demons. Those of you that know me best know already what I am referring to. Lust is the magnetism that connects bodies. Lust is the fire that fuels the flame. Lust is the passion that pulses us forward even when we know we should not move another inch. Lust is the pressure that presses against the base of our spine begging our Kundalini to rise. Lust is the chemical attraction that cannot be denied. Lust is eternal fire.

 In every relationship I have ever had (save one) I have given myself to others during the relationship. In most of my relationships I admit in the beginning that I will love them like no other. I also tell them that I am not monogamous. I am bisexual. I love flavor. I love encounters (sexual or not) that are encounters of the soul to soul kind. I love chemistry. I love connection. I love people. I love mystery and discovery.

I know the corridors of my soul well. I know what I believe. I have learned from all I see. I have loved with all I am. I have grown from all I have loved. I love my life!!!

Native Americans say it is a good day to die! I have done all that is in my power to do. I have erred and grown. Learned and flown. I have been the best of me and the worst of me.

I know that if I take this leap (and I know I am supposed to)...so many amazing black men will come my way with all the swagger and the sway the intelligence and spirituality...and the machismo that I need. I am afraid. I am ready.

On the Eve of a New Year!

I hit a major crossroads in my life. I reached out to many of you last night and I am grateful to say that so many reached back. I am amazed daily by how many incredible people I truly have in my life. So many things converged in one space. One of my best friends said that he missed the one girl that got away and had been looking for her recently. He asked me if there was only one I was allowed to choose of all the amazing men and women I had ever loved, who would I choose? He told me he felt I had never experienced true love. Another of my inner circle, is in the middle of an emotional upheaval as his twenty year marriage is dissolving before his eyes. I have so many things I could say but will honor the sacred nature of the lives of my friends. A lot played in to this hand.

Agape and I have always been candid with one another. Our friendship was brilliant and stunning in every imaginable way. We fell in love in an awkward space just before incarceration. It has not been easy for either of us. Best case scenario he could come home after the next appeal. Worst case scenario, 2028 is a reality. I know what I want out of love. I know what I need. I know what I deserve. I waited to have children this long because I truly wanted a father that was my best friend, my confidant, my everything to bear and raise my children with me. I wanted a family that held each-other up, went through everything together. I want my children to be the best of their father and me. If Agape doesn't come home until 2028, then I have the option of not having children, adopting when he comes home, or marrying him while he is incarcerated and raising our children on my own.

Furthermore, I have the pleasure of changing the nature of what I will allow. If Agape is to be my husband then I am a taken woman. What that leaves me with are less than satisfying circumstances of encounters that I would not normally engage in because if I have my soul-mate then what is left is sex. I am no one's booty call. Never have been. Never will be. So, for the last three years I have been laying next to someone who has proven time and time again to have my back, be my friend, but we are not romantic, we are not really even lovers. I am tired of selling myself short. I am tired of placing my self on a shelf for later.

Agape and I have been through a tremendous amount together. He is intelligent, wise, spiritual, focused and so many things I would want in a man. We never got the opportunity to date as we only fell in love a couple short weeks before he was incarcerated. This has added so much to the complication of any already intense situation. I am weary. I am thirty six. I wish to have children.

I was holding my niece Aubrielle who was not feeling well the other night. I loved her baby breath, her baby smile, her baby scent. I am ready. I would make an amazing mother. I want a man beside me to raise my children. According to today's medicine, I am already a high risk pregnancy.

I am one year away from graduating with my Bachelor's Degree. Master's. Doctorate. Peace Corps. Music. Writing. Travel. So many questions. As much as I would love to be a mother, perhaps it is not in my best interest to do so. This is a hard thought.

So I asked myself, what do I want?

I want a best friend, a comrade in the struggle, I want someone who wants to travel this globe with me singing music, spitting poetry from every available microphone. I want a brother who is committed to doing all that is in his power to change the world around him. I want a dedicated lover, father, husband who is interested in loving me, growing with me and becoming the best of himself. I want someone who can love the free spirit that I am. I want someone who is willing to learn what I like best and knows that I love to return the favor. I want a man who is focused on his health, both physical and spiritual, who is driven, passionate, and ready for action. I want a man who is just alpha enough to guide me and our family but just sensitive enough to know when to let me guide the reigns. I need a brother who can match my intelligence, my passion, my drive, my focus and know how to have fun while accomplishing all we are about to in this life. I want someone who is willing to commit to me for life but cares not for the traditional burdens of this worlds version of marriage. I need someone ready to think on his feet, let me be me, while he is he and we can be that much more amazing together.

I have held so many beautiful loves in the palms of these two hands. But, I have learned that what I need comes to me. I have learned to call for and claim that which I deserve. I am ready for love. I am ready for life. I am ready for the birth of my babies. I want all of this. I have waited so long.

I am on the brink of making a very hard and challenging decision. I think that I should take a vow of abstinence for the year of 2015. I am tired of ordinary sex. I want to make love. I want to marry. I want to walk miles with the man of my dreams.

My mother seems to feel that perhaps, due to my destiny, I am not meant to have a husband or a family. I can see why she feels this way, but I pray it is not so. I could have a warrior husband and a warrior child. Either way, I could see where being set apart, and sacred could really sanctify me. I can see the empowerment this action would allow but I am afraid to say I will in the chances I let myself down.

I shall not fail!

I feel that if I wish to bear a child, I should also be physically immaculate, spiritually centered, emotionally balanced and mentally prepared. I am also considering other things like a year of being a vegetarian and working my physical being back into center balance. That way when he comes, whether Agape or someone I have not met yet, I will be ready. It is my Senior year and I could put all of my extra focus into my studies so I could graduate with fireworks and bells.

I am open to opinions, ideas, and support. This is a major life decision. This is a major crossroads.

Thank you all for your constant support.

~Rain.

Research Begins

The well of knowledge builds itself effectively at my mercy
Each particle weaving itself into the tapestry
Of my personal epistemology
I am wallowing in the nature of Mother Nature herself
I dance in the broken sentences of those who are trying so hard
To speak complete thoughts
My cage is wrought with iron but the door is open
The mystery continues to unfold holding golden promises
in a monochrome world
I roll through my life on a spiritual skateboard
That transports me to my next location
Sensation dances up my ethereal spine
Kundalini rise
Eyes on the prize which is forever enough
Low level tones reverberate
My sacral chakra begins to implode
Diving deeper on this inward facing history
Prismatically I see the world in brilliant rainbow hues
Tunes of melodic mystery charm those listening into patterns of dance
That will carry them far
Stars align as patterns collide
I see pupil's eyes and am reminded we are all alive
And we will all die but we are not all living
Swimming upstream through the primordial ooze I choose to be
The keeper of the flame (Nina Simone)
Sane thoughts are captured in the nets and I could only regret what I never got up
To try
Sigh
A new chapter begins

Sung

Ink stains the lining of this page
Rearranging thoughts
To produce new waves
Sages sit in circles
Discussing many things
Rings represent union
The beginning the ending brings
Wings spread across the heavens
The poetry which Angels sing

Hunters

Colonialism
Hunts down those
In subsistence living
Inferior view
For those with brand new shoes
Hand to mouth
Capitalism
Continues hunting them down
While we wait by the water
Watching the waves greet the shore

Diverse!

Docks, locks and sea walls rise
Size and often status
Catastrophe picks off a piece
While predators seek
The weakest link
What length will you travel
To become your highest self
Cell biology cannot reverse
The price you would sell your soul for

Silk Wings

Over and against the pain
I hover in my bed
Relinquishing the summer rain
Rivers forming fast
My breath rises soft
Internal melody
His touch is hard to run from
Vibrant harmony
Dark angel wings
Speaking things no one ever heard
Words burst forth
From sultry lips
Hips bursting rhythm
Begging the sip
The slip of your tongue
Sung songs in new cadence
We've only just begun
Life ever rising
As harmony sings
New depth
As we spread
The strength of angel wings
Long lasting gazes
Exchanges to bring
Dancing in circles
Happy to "Be"

Roots

Caverns open up
Deep beneath the surface
Rich black soil, rivers of water
And deeply forged roots
Suited for my need to slip away
Stasis reformulated for my
Brand New Self
Wealth matters not
If defined as silver or gold
Wealth is all I need
When discussing the story freed
I am singing myself into existence
Resistance is futile
Without an alternative route
Spouting collected wisdom
From my soap box stage
I attribute the best of me
To all that you taught me
Learning to find
The only right way

Sweet Sorrow

Sweet sorrow parting
Veils that can't be seen
Now my guard is falling
Violin now screams
We beam glorious lights of love
Out of eyes that house our souls
Goal becomes intrusion
When illusion takes control
I am old and cold and lonely
My piano listens well
The tree that once loomed ugly
Now has been felled
Shaking this machine
Expecting breakdown
Sounds aggressive in a way
But sometimes angry expression
Is the only way
Truth would become
A viable solution
If truth could be defined
As something
On which we could agree
Speeding toward our freedom
The rat race
Is truly free

I run, Therefore I win!

I feel my sorrow
Deeper than most
Hosting the weight
Of the world
On my shoulder
As it floats
Hoping for the best
Working hard for the outcome
Running the race
Till it's done

Alive!

I am pleasantly surprised
One thousand times per day
I wrap myself inside
The eternal fountain of youth
The Sunlight breaking through
A storm cloud in the sky
Watching birds in flight
Color strikes deep
From a butterfly wing
And yes when I am happy
I sing

Yes, I am pleasantly surprised
One thousand times per day
With conversation had
With eye contact made
The warm and tender embrace
Of friendship in my soul
Rolling sound of thunder
River waters as they roll
The swelling of Canal
The contact of silk skin
All these natural elements
I deeply drink them in

I am pleasantly surprised
One thousand times per day
Harboring everything
That causes my soul sway
I rest inside the cocoon
Of Mother Nature's arms
The charm of the full moon
Feeling safe from harm
I am grateful for this life
And all the joy it brings
And yes, when I am happy
I sing

I AM

I am emotion
I am poetry
I am love
I am music
I am Nature
I am sometimes harsh
I am constantly moving
I am intelligent
I am the rain
I am the wind through the leaves
I am the water that cleanses
I am the strength of the Ancient Tree
I am afraid when I see something new
I am passionate in my approach
I am clumsy on my landing
I am the shoulder you can cry on
I am driven in my focus
I am surprised by the natural world that surround me
I am amazed by the refraction of light
I am sorrow sometimes in he middle of the night
I am sight

Sharpie Flowers

Hours spent with sharpies
Drawing flowers on jeans
Believing in peace
With fresh conversation
Blue streaks painted on cheeks
Women living free
Breezing the streets
Sweeping passed thieves
Reaching new peaks
Sneaking new beliefs
Into everyday speech
Happening upon
The Magic of the World
No ordinary girl

Thoughts remain
On the tip of my tongue
Chewing my gum
Wanting the sum
To equal the contents that remain
The game hasn't changed
But we find new ways
To embrace the age
Faces fade
But words stay
Jet black on the page
Like flower sharpies
On yesterdays jeans

Prison Break

Just another good Black man
Goin' down for time
If you believe in God
Do you believe He's blind?
We gotta find the solution
System spreads their confusion
Offering pollution
As though it is no illusion
We are used to listening in
Sinking to swim
We are the one's we
Have been waiting for
The open door
The time has come for us
To settle the score
Settle the score

Reminiscence Bump

White face
Painted with silence
Body sways with
The purpose of a story
Glory days have passed
But the body still remembers
September breezes elegant
Against October rain
Pain rises slowly
To the surface of the skin
Evaporation calling
All that hurt you home
Zones of isolation
Places that need facing
Racing thoughts take time
To program brighter days
Swaying to the music
That your soul surely knows
Glowing with the vibrance
The long journey home

Orienting Self

I missed the lizards
While I was in New York
Stark awareness registers
Things moving
Outside our point of view
Orienting registers
Movement beneath
Our feet
Allowing potential
For things
Never before possible

Finals!

So, these past few days have been tumultuous. A few people really close to my heart are moving away (one is already gone), I went through a major transition (I am not yet ready to discuss) and one of my friends is in a bind and needs a place to stay...(Which has an uncanny reflection against the major transition I am going through), I cannot find Brandon anywhere and I have been really trying to reach out to him. All of this said, we are in the middle of Finals Week and I have the two most grueling finals left to go. The possibility of straight A's is there, but it will take a miracle! Meanwhile, I have been stressing because a couple professors have yet to post grades that would really help me know where I stand.

Here comes the funny story! I am in class today and my Professor for Women's Mental Health asks me if I have the quiz that she handed us to look at which we were supposed to return. I know this because that is how she has done it throughout the semester. However, I was in no present state of mind (this was the class that I ended up sobbing in due to the nature of the discussion on rape) and I threw the quiz away upon exiting the class! Great. It is funny however that the whole time I was upset she had not yet posted the grade and the whole time the reason she hadn't posted yet was ME!

No matter how smart we are, no matter how well read, no matter how many details we understand there will always be more to discover.

So, as I am sitting there taking our final review of knowledge, I look up at the filing cabinet in front of me (I am sitting in an unusual location due to the testing going on) and all over the cabinet are infinity signs. As many of you know one of Brandon's aliases is Infinity Won. I know that so many of you tease me for my undying belief in signs and symbols but my symbology has yet to fail me. My path is woven of intricate details that connect to other intricate details and Wu Wei (Taoist principle of becoming like water to move fluidly through the universe) me along my daily path. This all weaves into a much deeper story but I must leave it surface level for now out of respect for a life so intricately woven into mine and yet not mine alone. Suffice it to say that I felt comforted as if Brandon is okay and soon I shall hear his voice.

I had a lovely conversation with my niece Kirstie as we were catching up with our stories...I was arriving at my house. There is this glorious sunflower growing between the sidewalk and the road in the middle of Florida Winter when all my plants on my porch have wilted and appear to have given up the ghost. There it is bright yellow against a gloomy cold and gray day (yes, my loving New Yorkers we DO have days like that in Florida!) and I had to take its picture and share it with the world.

Now, I must study for my last two Finals...I just wanted to share some of the details in this brain of mine.

Ciao~

Truth in Unison

I stand seductive
Precluded from your view
Listening to the way you breathe
Every time I look at you
Freedom builds her cages
Out of yesterdays beliefs
Every random conversation
Offers sweet relief
Our intersecting bodies
Nearly touch so many times
Sorry softly lingers
At the edge of the Divine
Sublime parcel packages
Subliminal are sent
And with every dollar bill
We save to pay the rent
Images of Yester-me
Build up and sometimes swell
And depths within dig so deep
I draw water from the well
Tears begin to overflow
Joy cannot be measured
This body given me certainly
Is a temple made to weather
Every storm I was born
To walk through

Rain

After the tidal wave of tears that swept over me today in class, Heather McKay, one of my cohorts wrote this for me:

Emotion
welling up
to eyelids
and
heart valves
a beat
rhythmically
leading
hands to
create
mold
play
love
Dance,
open palms
red cheeks
Dance.

Rising to the Surface

A few days ago in one of my psychology classes, a professor, uncomfortable made a flippant remark regarding rape, "What you guys don't want to talk about rape?" Between his flippant attitude and his body language, I ended up running out of the class and crying hysterically. I came to the conclusion that I was upset because I hadn't really registered how deeply it affected me some of the reactions that I got to the situation by those I love, the police, and people I was associated with.

The man I have been seeing for almost three years now, didn't know how to handle it. He made remarks about how he knew the guy (I can't imagine that from his perspective!). He made mention of how he had known us both about the same amount of time and didn't want to get involved as though it were some kind of disagreement!

A young woman at work (my workplace was unfortunately involved) made a comment "How does something like that even happen?!" I walk away stating, "I hope you never have to find out."

I had people ask me if I had provoked it, had others ask me if I wanted them to shoot him, the detective even tried to get me to re-enact it. The law sent were only males as if that made any sense at all!

We had been drinking that night. My friend that was there didn't remember the details correctly and gave the police misinformation. I don't hold it against her but it may have kept him from being locked up because our stories didn't exactly match.

There was interaction between this man and I. I invited him into my home. He kissed me at one point and I pushed him back gently. I told him he had gotten the wrong idea and after that he behaved until the rape unfortunately.

Looking back, I wish of course that I had never let him into my home. I wish I had made him go after the kiss. I wish a lot of things. However, I have dealt with the rape itself as much as one can. What I did NOT realize is I had compartmentalized the reaction of those around me during the aftermath.

In class today, we were doing our end of semester presentations. One chapter deals with rape. The presentation after my group got a little deep with the details and the man covering the chapter that deals with rape also did an annotation about the subject. He mentioned how often times women are accused of provoking it and how most people don't even come forward. Again, in retrospect, I can see why so many are silent!

I began shaking and crying hysterically in class. Seated in one of the farthest points from the door, in the middle of someone else's presentation I was forced to remain, sharing the depths of my soul with my classmates.

So many women offered support in that moment, and I have to admit it was incredibly cathartic. I called Paulie after class and realized that I had shut off so much of myself in the last year and a half not even realizing the way I had hidden it from my view. It is a lot to carry around.

As I was walking toward the library to write this out of me, I noticed the sparkles in the concrete. I have always been mesmerized by them. I realized I had become like this. My skin was concrete. Concrete with sparkles.

On my thirtieth birthday, my grandmother, Diane, gave me a set of perfume and sparkle powder by Mariah Carey. I had always given Rachael a very hard time about the glitter she left in her wake. I began wearing it any time I took the stage. My grandmother had always supported my music and to me, it was like having her with me on stage.

Since she passed away, I now wear it every day. It is my way of always having her with me.

Paul is the reason I got the steel down my spine. He is the reason I have the strength I have today. And well my grandmother is my sparkle. Concrete with sparkles. Women of strength.

Ann-I-Vers-ary

Three years of living alone is right around the corner! It has been quite the journey. It began on New Year's Eve, my first alone, three years ago. Bottle of three dollar red wine (Lucky Duck Shiraz- not too shabby), and my music collection, and the action of putting my new apartment together. My sister and family really wanted to make sure I really wanted to be alone. I really did. I remember putting everything where I wanted it and realizing it was actually going to stay there!

There are obviously things I miss about family. I miss Paul and Anny every day. I miss love. Holding hands. Romance. Dinners and dreams shared. But, I really realized last night...I like this living alone thing!

I had a friend stay the night in my bed. The middle of the bed was apparently the only place his body longed to be. He slept restlessly and tossed every time I was sliding into sleep. I went to the couch. The fish tank was too loud. So, I came and did a couple hours of Spanish Lab homework online. Around three thirty I tried again. Around four, just about to drift off, his alarm woke me. I went back to sleep after he left. I was supposed to get up around six and overslept till just after seven! Yikes, I had to be on campus in less than thirty.

He felt bad of course. His dreams had kept him restless. Perhaps, I should have pushed him to the far side of the bed. It's been a while since I've shared my bed with anyone on any regular basis. I realized, I have arrived to a point in my life where not only do I know what I want and need in life, I am also willing to sacrifice what needs to be forsaken to make it happen.

My home is comfortable and decorated with much passion by someone (me) who has worked very hard to earn a living while living alone, attending university and working a full time job. It has been a very important three years of my life.

Yesterday, I hit a wall, not only because of the end of semester but because personal items of concern I am confronting right now.

Those of you that know me best, know that I face a daily challenge in the area of love in a very complex and challenging situation. This relationship has made me face parts of my self that I very much needed to bring to the surface.

I am not a chess piece. I honor the wealth and vibration of my own soul. I sleep in peace (most of the time...lol) at night. I am on a mission! I do not want to be labelled, qualified or organized into a pretty package by anyone. There have been many in my life who have offered to the wellspring of my existence. I am unorthodox. I am true to myself. I am just a girl doing her best to live an extraordinary life.

Sex, love, life, money, school, houses, bills, travel and all the things that a thirty six year old woman would be thinking about...well, I am still thinking about it, but from my own perspective.

This brand of love tattooed across my chest is truly no misnomer. I believe in Agape love with all of my being.

As a Psychology major we study culture, social dynamics and biodiversity factors in a ever augmenting structure of values and goals. Society is made up largely of people who are comfortable remaining in the standard deviation. Those few of us who are outliers relish in being complex characters with other avenues of success than the norms society offers us. There are leaders among every population, on every continent, from every decade. Be true to yourself. Don't be afraid to shine. Stand tall and follow the calling only your soul knows.

There is probably not one among us who can honestly say that what others think of them does not factor into their schema of who they believe themselves to be. Whether it is parents, siblings, best friends, lovers, media, peers, or the random glare of a judgmental stranger, we are all affected by the perception of others about who we appear to be.

I love thirty six! I am just about to stand up and claim my sovereignty. I am just about to rise and say, I am me. I love me. I am not ashamed of me. Please love me because I am beautiful just as I am. We all have room for growth and I intend to continue to grow daily, exponentially for the rest of my life.

There is still much to be accomplished in this end of semester leg of the journey. Adieu for now and more on this chapter closing later.

Thank you all for your continued love and support and faith in all the I am still to become. All that I am. All that we are: Together!

Follow your inner compass for it shall guide you safely home!

I have unfortunately been the victim of much LGBT prejudices. I hurt for those who do not allow all beings to find their way. If we are not harming another, I think we should be free to lead our lives as my own inner compass proscribes. I am in touch with the Divine in my fashion and formulate my beliefs based on much prayer, meditation, fasting and study. I feel that we all have the right to communicate with the Divine in our own fashion. I unfortunately have been antagonized at many different workplaces across the years. One story I would like to share was perhaps the most intense for me. I was a personal trainer at a gym in North Carolina. I also worked Child Care in the early mornings for extra cash and because I have always loved working with children. There was a particular family who had three highly unruly children. Somehow I worked some magic with them and was able to have them learning, and playing successfully with the other children. The father was very impressed and stated that his children never listened to anyone but them and that he was amazed with my abilities with them. I was moved to tears by the response I had received. He even told my boss how impressed he was and how he only came during my hours because he was getting much more out of his workout while I cared for them. A couple weeks later, my girlfriend dropped me off at work because she needed the car. When he saw our squiggly gay pride rainbow he glared at me with an intense hatred. When we kissed one another goodbye he exploded in rage. He spoke to my boss and asked for me to be removed from my post saying he didn't trust me with his children, especially his daughter. My boss mused over the situation and handled it with care. He said that he found it amusing that he had just come to him telling him how amazing I was with the kids less than two weeks prior. My boss told him to workout another time or do not bring the children because he had no intention of losing me. A couple weeks later, I was in Wal-mart with Adele. They were shopping, his daughter (about 6) ran up to me threw her arms around me and said, "Miss Christi. Miss Christi. I miss you!" His father demanded she get away from me immediately. The other two were jumping up and down in the cart. The mother whisked the kids away from me as the father proceeded to spit in my face. He told me that I was an abomination in God's eyes and it would be better that I were dead. He even went as far as to ask if I had ever touched his daughter inappropriately. I told him I was bisexual not a child molester. I shook and cried and Adele and I walked away quickly from his ignorance. It surprised me to my core. We have a long way to go!

Infinity!

It has been an incredibly long day. For those of you that do not know I work in a restaurant. One of my besties, Tommy King wore a pedometer on a double once and walked about 21 miles. He never walked nearly as much as I do. We hustle. We lift, walk, bend, lift, think, speak, remember all day long. I love the activity. I love connecting with people. I love remembering. I love the physical ache at the end of a long day. I love making people happy.

I often close the house which means I check the other servers out and make sure everything is ready for the morning. As I was signing one of my co-workers this evening, I made my signature loop that I have on each of my pieces of art, and every managerial document I have ever had to sign, the backs of my checks, etc. My signature. She said, "you know that is the symbol for Infinity Love". I sunk hard into the dark black earth. I miss him so much.

I have never gone this long without hearing from Infinity Won. I don't know where he is. I need to hear his voice. I miss him.

For years on end I was engaged by one long term relationship after another. I just spent three years laying next to a man who is deep and intelligent but just doesn't know how to engage others with that beautiful depth. There were nights I lay next to him in silence, feeling the vibration between us. Knowing how much he cared for me. Knowing I would never get to hold him the way I know only I could.

I love love. I enjoy lust. I love taking care of someone. I enjoy the intricate details of pleasure. I love when someone knows you and can do a little thing to make you laugh, make you smile, make you suck in your breath with butterflies in your stomach. I love touch. I love truth. I love stories that never end for days. Long walks and persuasion. I love trust. The truth is that I have held more love in the palms of this soul than any woman should be allowed to. I am honored by the universe. I miss Brandon. He is the last one that I made LOVE to. Love changes everything. With Agape behind bars, my parameters have had to be augmented to suit the need of my present condition. I must admit at times it is much less than easy.

I love dining, breaking bread and sharing stories. I love kisses. Spiritual conversation. I love sensation, teasing and foreplay. I love long walks and honest gazes. I love praises that have backbone. I love the ringtone of someone you have been waiting to talk to all day. I love faith.

But after three pregnancies that I tried hard to protect against, and several unwanted sexual complications, sensation comes with limitations. I am invested in this life. But that does not change the fact that I also have physical desires. The emotional need to be held. The desire to meld with someone. I miss Brandon.

I will never forget one particular night (there were so many that amazed me!) that I got out of the shower and sat on the edge of our blow-up air mattress bed and wept. I mean, that kind of soul weep, can't stop for fear of still breathing, don't know how I am ever going to survive this chapter of my life, weep. He sat behind me his chest against my back, his legs around my legs, his head against my shoulder, his arms around my body, and held me. He held me. He held me. He held me.

Mister three years of silent depth never really put his arms around me. I am not dishonoring him for he is an amazing and beautiful soul that just has not yet found his freedom, but I needed it. I longed for him.

The truth is that not many in this life can mirror your own soul quite the way you like. I remember another night where Brandon and I were dancing and we were like complete mirror images of one another. We were incredible.

In every union there are things that are perfect, things that don't quite make sense, and things that really irk you. Nature of the beast. But now I sit and I wonder what to do with myself. Where to go at the next turn. Feeling the power of this new moon and knowing that this chapter is going to knock me to my knees, knock my socks off, leaving me begging please and wondering how I ever missed this open door. So much is in store right around the corner for me. I just know.

So Brandon Margrueal Correa. Please let me know where you are. I miss you terribly. I cannot bear this life without you. Please come home.

LINKED IN!

So, I really had a very long day and as I was in the shower just really wanted to share some amazing things that happened today. I signed up for something called Linked In via USF and apparently, I just needed to spend twenty minutes even  finding access to my blog. Sometimes connecting networks is a really bad plan. I realized I had poured so much of my soul into this blog! What a scare. But here I am and I really just want to tell you a story that happened today that kind of blew my spiritual mind.

I was at work. I had not yet had my first table. A woman walked in the door. She felt familiar. Perhaps, I had waited on her before. I seated her in what I believed to be my section since I was the only one without a table. I sat her in one of my co-workers sections by accident and the young lady said I could go ahead and take care of her.

The woman was waiting on someone. A reporter. I was asking her what she would like to drink when she noticed the Agape tattooed across my breastbone. Her eyes welled up with tears as she told me her husband had recently passed away and in his last note to her had written: Agape, look it up. She said she really admired the work of the artist and was thinking maybe she would also get it tattooed on her somewhere. I was sorry for her loss. I then noticed the necklace made to resemble a dog tag around her neck. Just this morning I had put my jewelry on and had almost worn my father's dog tags. It said "Semper Fi". The spiritual nature of the physical world is marvelous!

Now my eyes welled with tears and I said to her, "I don't usually tell people this. But, Agape is also a man. A Marine that I love very much. More than I even understand. He is in Attica. Right now until 2026. She asked for what. I answered with caution. She related it to something in her life which of course related back to me. I asked her if her husband had been a Marine. She said "No. My son".

Now I was really afraid. Had she lost them both?!?

She said he had been shot by our side. On accident but nevertheless paralyzed. She said, "Rain. You will never believe this part. His middle name is Rainey". She stood up and put the Semper Fidelis around my neck. She embraced me and we both began to weep.

I am in constant awe of the algorithm that guides me. I am satiated daily by the things that cause me sway. I love my life! I am amazed by the strength of this woman. I will leave her identity anonymous for now in respect for her life and her privacy. She promised to keep in touch and hugged me as she left. I am moved beyond the words on this page.

Love. Life. Now.

The Interconnectedness of all living things.

Whether you think of life as the six degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon or the mysterious spiritual nature that guides us through our existence, we all know that when one pays attention it is amazing the way our path tends to puzzle piece itself together in front of us. I love the serendipitous way that things interlock and unfold. I love how we are given the meal of life one morsel at a time. My earnest endeavor is to learn to savor each and every bite. I am amazed by the miracle that my life is and am overjoyed at how much beauty I am allowed to behold on a daily basis.

I am three weeks away from the end of my semester. It has been a largely eventful week, some things of which I am able to speak and others which I must only allude to. My head has been busy with many thoughts. Many people and circumstances have forged their way into my life and I am enticed by the mystery of this enchanted life I lead.

There once was a man from Barbados. True he had me intoxicated for a few days. We kissed A LOT! His accent alone had me unfolding my wings and singing songs only the ethereal realm knows. I chose however to listen to my mother's words and take them seriously, "He is a distraction." I was upset the day she said them to me. Right now, as I am writing this piece, he is walking passed me in the library without even knowing I am here. No concern. Only irony.

He spoke of this area and its overcrowded concrete spaces. He spoke of my poetry and the stanzas of my phrasing. He spoke of my beauty and the scent of my physical being. He spoke of my facial expressions and how he felt I needed to take my appearance more seriously. He spoke of my jewelry and how I presented myself. He almost had me when he uttered passionately yet distantly, "I feel like an ant in a concrete jungle. I want to return to my island." In the end all he wanted from me was to relieve his male urges, and I graciously declined. He in typical fashion decided not to respond and withdrew from my life completely.

The man I have been seeing casually and forging a friendship with the passed three years has not invited me over to spend the night in over two months. I realize this time we are really done. I have written much about him and his influence in my life though many of you will never know who he was and how our story unfolded. I wrote a song about him, "There's a man that I love in this life. So beautiful but so bottled up inside. An intricate puzzle box mystery. Almost three years and still I long to see. I love me some you. No matter where this might go. I love me some you. No matter who doesn't know. There are things I must do to survive. And some nights that included being by his side. And the silence so loud in between communicates in corridors of my dreams. I love me some you. I love me sum you. No matter where this might go. No matter who doesn't know. I love me SUM you".

I haven't heard from Brandon in several months. Paulie just moved down to this area. So many elements fighting for space in this brilliant and sensitive Piscean heart. I love love.

The truth is I am working on a degree. The truth is once I have finished this degree I will be working on another. The truth is that I give all of myself most of the time. The truth is I am trying with all my heart to heed the words of my mother. No distractions!

I have been in one long term loving relationship after another. I have fared well in the corridors of love. After breaking up with Brandon though I really have changed my approach, what I allowed, my interactions all together.

I am thirty six soon to be thirty seven and all of my heart desires to see Cadence born. With Agape behind bars it is hard to know where to go or how to approach my ideals of love and family. Sex and dating is not what it once was and after all that I have been through on those subjects, I have tried to make safer practices, leave more time between encounters, find new balance on who I trust and allow to have a taste.

I am pondering all these things while also remaining focused and driven along my spiritual path. I know that my destiny requires me to walk faster, work harder, think more carefully and be slightly segregated from the fold than most. I am engaged by this commitment. I am ready for this life. I will continue to give all of me and continue moving forward.

The fact remains that like any other being I have moments where I am incredibly alone. There are times when I just want a man to hold me. Times where I just want a kiss; someone to hold my hand, take a walk with me or share a meal. I love good conversation. I love mystery. I love the way life unfolds. I have complete faith of my direction. I have complete faith in my ability. I have complete faith in the amazing people who offer me love and support even in my loneliest hour.

Thank you to all of you! I could not be the woman I am without you.

In this (almost three years) time of living alone, I have become stronger, found solidarity, come to know myself in a very solid way. I have even become funnier. I am more relaxed in my own persona. I enjoy my life immensely. This New Year will be three years and I will continue to celebrate this gift of 'me'. I have become my soul mate. I have allowed the light of the Divine to flow through me. Waiting tables continues to teach me to iron out the flaws in my personality and also strengthen the best of me. I am becoming all that I am meant to be and am happy to have so many amazing souls walking beside me. I have more than one soul-mate in this life and no matter what is required of me to complete my objective this lifetime, I promise I will run the race strong. I will finish well. I will offer up all that I am and all that I am yet to become to helping those that are aware leave this world a better and more brilliant place.

I believe in the exponential potential of each and every one of us, beginning with me~! Let's go!

Three Years Eternal

I would like to take a moment to update everyone on how this semester has been. First I would like to say thank you to all of the amazing people I have in my life who have offered love and continuous support in this incredible journey I lead. I am honored by your presences and find myself to be the richest girl in the world!

I would like to take a moment also to thank my Father and Paul Shapiro for taking time to show me how to take care of things that women were never taught once upon a time. I have fixed my toilet twice this week (and with a paperclip I might add!). This New Year will celebrate three years I have lived completely on my own. It has been an amazing three years filled with so many stories. What would my life be without the continuous cycle of obstacles and blessings?

I chose to take four classes this semester and was told I must take an honors class in order to be an honors student. This was something I wanted very much and since I had already enrolled in four classes I opted to take the fifth required honors course. I also became involved in a lab which I am enjoying immensely and along with a few valued cohorts of mine, am starting a campus organization. I am still working a full time job and somehow have managed to complete the writing process for my upcoming third album, "In Quiescence".  I have many stories to tell and often joke I could write several books per day. I am enthralled with my life.

It has amazed me each and every semester how I choose classes randomly and somehow they puzzle piece themselves together serendipitously. I am thankful that within these three years I have become much stronger and more independent, more aware and well rounded. Waiting tables continues to help me effectively work out the parts of my personality that are out of spiritual balance. I love the harmony of the universe around us and the plethora of knowledge always at our fingertips when we are paying attention.

I have learned much from maintaining my fish tank, from rescuing Cleopatra and finding her a home, from working with a wonderful group of ladies in attempt to shut down Attica and get Agape out of there. I have learned how to better connect with various types of people and have become quite funny in the process.

I have enjoyed this time I have been able to spend with my family. My mother even got her first tattoo the other day. I finally have my wings and I am not afraid to fly. Watch out world, cuz here I come.

I remember when Amen and I were working on the second release to After the Rain. One of the bonus tracks was a song I had just written. I was sitting down playing keys and a little nervous in his studio. He told me what a beautiful voice I had but reminded me I must sing from my belly. Today, I was practicing for Album Three and was amazed to realize how far my voice had traveled with me! I said to the air around me, "Amen, I am singing from my belly. Can you hear me?"

I am thirty six years young and have so much life run through my veins. As the Native Americans say, "It is a good day to die". However, I am utterly grateful I am still breathing.

I just wanted to stop and say thank you to all of you, my mother and father especially. My sisters and my nieces and nephews. My inner circle. My friends. My co-workers. My Professors. My classmates. My comrades in the struggle. The intrinsic beauty of Nature. The Divine Life Source. I am honored to be alive.

I know I have not been as available this semester. Many of you reach out to me daily just the same. Never stop reaching. I love you all!

To Del with Love

I am the vibrant colors
In tomorrows perfect sunset
I am the wind whipping like autumn 
Through your hair
I am the fragrance that makes you remember
I am what is yet to be discovered
Over there
I am the best yet to be decided
I am the flavor on the tip of your tongue
I am the running of the race
When there is no strength for the standing
The compassion of the heart
That gives even after it is burned
I am the yearning of the spirit to find the wisdom offered
I am the coffin that is buried away from the light of Sun
I am the very membrane that keeps you warm and protected
I am the erection of the soul when nothing turns you on
I am the weeping eyelids of the mother
Running tears like rivers down the back of the forest
Waiting for fevers to break after illness has lost
I am the strength to stand when nothing else matters
I am the shattered pieces of glass recreated to reflect
I am the eyes of the goddess
The soul of the cauldron
I am the fire at midnight
When all else is dark and cold
I am the hand that will guide you
The arm that will steady you
The back that will support you
And the eyes to see clearly on
I am the pumping blood of
This modern day messiah
I am higher than life and lower than death
i am all that is left
I am love

First Love

I met him on a Sunday. I was eight years old. I remember spinning around in my Sunday best hoping he would notice. I remember Tommy Wiessner looking at me like he was jealous. I remember liking it. Tommy gave me a red satin heart shaped box to keep sacred things in. I have it to this day, almost thirty years later. Stephen and I were cosmic. We were magnetic. We made butterflies appear in stomachs. We were speechless and nervous and awkward. We were first love.

Our love lasted ten entire years. I will never forget segregated lines. I will never forget being a grade ahead and being offered one more grade. My father didn't feel it would be good for my social life. All I could consider was Stephen Carl Thompson. We had a class or two together. There was lunch and assemblies. There was recess. I will never forget the day when a water spout started travelling off the Bay and over the land for a short time which seemed to last for an eternity. We were seamed together and scared as though we were constructed as one being. We may have held hands. I honestly don’t remember. What I will never forget is the moment that water spout felt so close, the wind whipping so strong and the fibers of our very soul shook to the marrow of our making. We were petrified. Just in the nick of time, the spout fell apart and it was the most amazing thing to watch! I loved him.

I remember swing-sets and ninja moves. I remember Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. He was Raphael. I was April. I remember his window facing the playground. I remember every late night that my Mother spent upset that my father was not yet done in his office. I remember those same nights meaning more heat, more time, more lust spent staring at Stephen’s open window. I remember my youth.  I remember eye contact meaning everything. I remember the sweaters we had that were negative opposites of one another. So similar. So familiar. So correct.

I remember the letter I wrote composed in Spanish. My Spanish was not as good and Sandra’s translation not as accurate. That letter required my parents to pull me out of school and homeschool me for almost three years! In the letter I quoted songs. I did the best I could with the Spanish I had learned. I was not good enough. The mistranslation cost me my freedom. I was monitored. What was worse, I was taken away from Stephen. I saw him at church and how grateful I was that my Pastor father was so incredibly active but my mother even walked with me to the restroom. I fumed. Lost I felt without him.

Little did I know how much worse it could be! When I was fifteen he and his family returned to their roots in Alabama. I mourned for him. I missed him more than I knew my young heart could handle. There were phone calls and letters. None of this would ever suffice. I transpired against my father’s wishes. I purchased a plane ticket at seventeen. I was fresh out of high school. I arrived in Alabama not having any idea what to expect.

We walked many miles. We talked about many things. We planned a wedding on a leap year, on a day that could only come around every four years. He bought me a gold ring. I liked silver. We moved back to Tampa. He lived with my Uncle. We mis-carried a child. We loved. We fought. We kissed. We talked. We wrought iron dreams in streets paved with anger. We wondered at the meaning of our young existence. We offered persistence to stories not yet written. We strived for greatness. We waited and stated things that were meant to be forever, however forever was not yet understood by either. I regret nothing. Even when he moved back home, I was alone and aching for his kiss. I knew however we were meant to live separate lives. We danced over stars and underneath overpasses. We even had adventures underneath streets and in cemeteries. We were fearless. We were not permanent.

My first taste of forever danced and dissolved. I missed him desperately yet moved on. We kept in touch over the years and I later knew he married, had children, loved. I have dreamed of him on a regular basis every month of my life since the first day I laid eyes on him.  The year he died in that tragic car accident with his young son Nathan, I had just released my first album, After the Rain. After the Rain was the title track of the album and happened to be a song I wrote for him when I was fifteen and he and his family moved away from me and back to Alabama.

I dream of him still and believe I always will. I know he and his son are running in the sunshine in another place, another time Sublime energy is forged with the knowing of your first love. I was glad he could be mine and know that his love will stay with me for the rest of time. So much of my experiences in love have been shaped by the anticipation, the eye contact, the dreams and the stories that Stephen and I shared. The music, the sunshine, the laughter and even the waterspout! Ninja moves on hillsides waiting and trees I climbed in yards no longer there. I remember it all. The melodic intonations of the baby grand and the secrets we sometimes forgot to share. I will never forget. Love is sacred. I am love. Memories are eternal. Long live Stephen Carl Thompson. Long live first love. 

Clothesline Festival at USFSP

            Like Buddhist prayer flags in the autumn sun these survivors shirts blew in the October breezes. As a survivor myself, each story resounded as though it were a scar on my own arm. The power of their resolve rang of freedom: true freedom in the sense that nothing would ever take away their strength to stand strong. I danced with joy to know that I was not alone. My sisters and mother had not fought in vain. We were an army of women ready to succeed. We were witnesses to the unspeakable pain. We knew nothing would ever dissolve our purpose.

            Each shirt had a story to tell. Women at tables nearby sat ready to arm women with knowledge of how they too could find their freedom. Women at tables nearby sat ready to arm women with knowledge of how they too could survive. Women at tables nearby sat ready to catch the tear of a woman who might cry. The visceral energy of the moment stood poignant against my chest. It shook me to my core. I took pictures that were meant to speak the words I would never be able to speak. May we always remember the story. May we always remember the red road of pain. May we always remember the obstacles it takes to set our soul free. May we always remember how to speak. 

The River Jordan

With less than six hours to sleep, I wrestled with these poetic words in my head. As every writer knows some of the best things ever written have been in the middle of the night, from the seat of a toilet, or the most frustrating: when you have no way of recording it. That being said, I hope someone that reads this gets something major out if this post since I DID get out of bed to write it.

Those who have not taken the time to understand me often judge me or say harsh things in regards to the fact that I cry a lot. My eyes can be seen welling up with tears when my sensitive feelings are hurt, when I am frustrated, or even at times when I am angry. I am also quite sensitive to the world around me. I went for years not watching the news because I couldn't handle some of the horrible things that go on in this world on a daily basis. However, my eyes can also be seen flooding at something amazing I have just experienced or even the empathic connection I receive when someone filled with joy takes the time to share their story with me. The truth is that I can tend to let my emotions get the best of me. The truth is it is something I work on every day.

What I would like to point out (though I realize I am preaching to the choir here) is that we as human beings have a whole gamut of emotions that we are meant to experience. I have been accused of being bi-polar, schizophrenic and called such things as "spaz" since I was little. The truth is I just feel my emotions completely. I had a co-worker once that really didn't get me at first. In the beginning we were constantly bumping heads. One day, he said to me "You really need to stop letting the little things get to you". I said, "Perhaps, but you know what the beauty of it is?" He said, "What's that?" I said, "The little things really get to me". I can't explain the joy that a butterfly passing by offers me, the magnitude of the beauty of twilight, the Sun rising or setting, a good conversation, etc. The beauty of the little things are the strength that keep me going through a world that also contains a lot of darkness.

Society at large has become afraid of their emotions. Many do not know why they feel what they feel, how to express what they feel and have one or two expressions for everything. Like the Rhesus monkeys society has begun to exhibit some seriously aggressive tendencies in situations that certainly don't call for it. The General Population has largely ceased making eye contact and I cannot even count how many times I see a table in the restaurant where all parties are on their digital device and not even paying attention to the beautiful beings in front of them. I am scared for the current status on emotion. As sensitive as I truly am (and that is not really all bad) I know that most people that mock my emotion really just don't know how to deal with their own. Please remember that I clearly stated I DO let my emotions get the best of me sometimes and I AM working on this. But, I will never apologize for tears.

Life can offer you rivers of pain. Life can provide you with rivers of joy. This is my River Jordan. I will be victorious. I will seek daily to maximize my potential in this life. And if a bitter young woman wishes to call me an over-achiever because of it, I will pray that she is blessed with the happiest ordinary life she can create. When did we stop dreaming? When did we stop inventing amazing positions to fulfill "when we grew up"? When did we stop looking up into the sky to see what shape the clouds could make today? When did emotion become a bad thing?

I am passionate. I am on fire. I am honest and very good at saying I am sorry when I have done wrong. I am a work in progress just like the rest of us and I hope that perhaps this touched someone in a very relevant space. I love the amazing people in my life and am grateful every day because I know there is no way I could be the woman I have become without every integral part of my enchanted life story.

Three cheers for honest tears!
Three cheers for emotion.

Epistemology

"We were naked and drinking coffee making plans to change the world while the world was changing us." Dave Matthews.

This semester has already been a tidal wave of new thought and I am only at the beginning of the third week. Along with the combined pressure of work-related obstacles, financial trials, and relationship dilemmas, this last month has offered much pressure toward the Diamond forging nature of this enchanted life.

I have been meditating and ruminating much on the concepts of perception, social awareness and relative truth. My mind has been dabbling with quantum physics (at an extremely novice level) and the acceptance of lessons I have been wrestling with for years.

My life is brilliantly beautiful and I have so much to be thankful for. I can feel a new chapter falling in place before me and expect this brilliant Harvest (Full) Moon to bring beautiful new opportunities and new challenges still.

I have five classes this semester. Cognitive Psychology, Social Psychology, Women's Mental Health, Spanish I, and an Honors Seminar. It always intrigues me how without knowing enough details to engage this level of awareness, the Divine has led me to choose courses that perfectly harmonize with all I am supposed to be learning at this time. My Spanish Profesora also has a degree in Clinical Psychology and is a poetess. I knew neither of these details about her when I chose the class. The art that surrounds my natural existence astounds me daily. Dr. Salnaitis, my Professor for Cognitive introduced a couple new terms to me in a conversation we had after I shared with her two poems I wrote during her class (relative to the material). Personal epistemology. Social Constructivism.

Here are relative definitions before I continue.

Epistemology: Concerning the origin and methods of human knowledge.

Personal Epistemology: The study of how the individual develops a conception of knowledge and how they use that knowledge to understand the world.

Social Constructivism: a sociological theory of knowledge that applies the general philosophical constructivism into social settings, wherein groups construct knowledge for one another, collaboratively creating a small culture of shared artifcats with shared meanings.

Social Constructionism: Theoretical viewpoint that humans do not discover reality directly; rather they construct meanings for events in the environment based on their own prior experiences and beliefs.

Schema: (Cognitive) general knowledge or framework about a particular topic; schema then processes and organizes new information received on that topic

So here I write a couple poems in my Cognitive class. I feel compelled to share them with the Professor. In turn, Dr. Salnaitis gets chills as I read the poetry to her and asks me to email them to her. We engage in conversation and she suggests I look into the new terminology. I set up an appointment to include her in the process of deciding which degree to seek out next. I go home to embrace the new knowledge these terms have to offer. I go to the University of Colorado at Boulder's website to look over the degrees I have interest in again so I am prepared to discuss my perceived options. While reading the breakdown of the PhD in Philosophy they offer, I see the word epistemology which I would have not understood had Dr. Salnaitis and I not had that discussion. I do research, take notes and sit down to read my current chapter for Women's Mental Health. Within the reading are the terms, epistemology and social constructivism. Coincidence? I think not!

My life is a beautiful matrix lined with poetry and obstacles. I am excited for this meeting as I know it will illuminate even more knowledge I need to move forward and make the correct decision.

As I have been going about my day I have had many epiphanies already. After a month of being estranged from my lover as we worked out our recent relationship hurdle, I feel healed and satisfied just laying next to him again. I realized as I lay against him that some people say more just by skin contact than others do with thousands of words. I realized that I waste a lot of energy trying to convince people to see me. Some people are never going to get me. The beauty is SO MANY DO!

My eyes welled with tears as I realized that I am loved by so many...so let the haters hate! I like harmony. I desire peace. I have always liked the end result of working out details between parties. However, due to personal epistemologies and relevant perception of the individual world around each of us, there will be times where harmony cannot be reached.

As I lay in bed next to the man who speaks with his skin, I was engaged by the program he had on (he fell asleep). In the program "Weeds", one of the main characters is Jewish and is teaching a class of young Jewish boys. Further into the program a psychiatrist is engaging another of the main characters in session with an extension of Jewish principle. He is talking about how the Divine places us equidistant from opposite polar ends (in other words dark vs. light; right vs. wrong; lust vs. love). The Divine then allows us to choose our path. In a very yin and yang sense of this discussion we are centered between dark and light at all times. This struck a very deep chord with me.

In my Honors Seminar, taught by Dr. Cassill we are studying the sociology of ants, the inequality of krill and the Haves and Have Nots of Human Society. I am engaged fully as my personal epistemology writes this brilliant story for me. I am in love with my life!

I give all of myself everyday and walk closer always to my highest self (the journey is long and worth it) and I am grateful daily to each and every one of you who have given me the puzzle pieces I need to put this beautiful portrait of a life together.

"I've been working and working but I still have so terribly far to go." Nina Simone

Subliminal

Perspective alters perception

Mental protection for

What we are afraid to never find

Sublime offers messages

Beyond subliminal vestiges

Cresting mental peaks

We seek passage to the Divine

Inter-twined with our Humanity

Ethereal realms feel like insanity

What if these things were planned

So we

Found one puzzle piece at a time

Refraction

Sleeping demons

In Pandemonium lie

Dormant there

In the back of my eye

Retina refraction

Produces satisfaction

For those neurons present

That recognize

Pattern finds

A way to produce sight

Just like waves of rolling sound

Wake me up

In the middle of the night

Sight over symbol

This freedom I have found

Demons laying down

Culminating Waves~~~*~~~

Due to a misunderstanding of my new Fall Schedule, I am short two work shifts. Due to a hang-up in my Financial Aid, I still have no money for books or supplies. Money is tight right now, but thankfully my Mother taught me how to make a pocket full of change feel like the Bahamas! My AC was a pound shy on Freon and let me tell you in the middle of August in Florida, that is quite the complication! My brakes were slipping and sometimes the little things have a way of choking up on you so you feel like you cannot breathe.

The best part is though it is also the little things that bless us so richly this life feels like magic sometimes. A young man that I work with blessed me by fixing my brakes and my AC for nothing more than the parts. He said as he left this morning, "You have blessed so many people. I am honored to bless you in return."

The show last night was incredible! There was even a young woman from Rochester in the audience. I did a shout out to my city and she came up to speak to me once I had left the stage. Speaking of the show, I would like to say Thanks to my sister, Cali, and her husband, Chris. Due to my finances being a little strapped right now, I was not able to get my toes done or buy a new dress like I would prefer before a show. So, I was leafing through my closet and found this brilliant dress Cali and Chris had given me that I had never worn because the strap was ripped. I sewed the strap, wore the dress, painted my own toes (usually a known disaster just ask Cassi) and did my hair. All in all, I think I looked pretty great.

The house was full and the love was overflowing. Ybor City Jazz House never had it so good. I am grateful to all of you who came out to show support. Truly blessed by all the love sent to me by those who couldn't make it, and especially all my air support from Rochester, New York! Dichotomy, Dennis Ammadaeus, and Talaam Acey all in the house! What a night. There were profound echoes throughout the poets work: like Dennis and I both mentioning Attica specifically and how we must reform the prison system NOW!

Then, I randomly see a painting that one of my soulmates has hanging in his house hanging on the wall of the club. I am wondering now which is the print and which the original. I will get to the bottom of that.

I also got to see one of my best gals who is moving away. We stayed up till five talking, laughing, holding on to one another. We had tried several times to see each other. She wasn't supposed to be able to make it to the show last night. What a blessing she did.

I also made an intriguing new friend. Who meets Tuesday on a Tuesday afternoon while scheduled to perform (among others) her power piece that contains the line, "on a random Tuesday afternoon"? That is a WHOLE lot of Tuesdays.

I am blessed. I am grateful. So many stories to tell. I love my life.

However, I must get to class.

Namaste,

Lady RAin.

Mental Posture

As I have been focusing on my stress levels and my worry energy in an attempt to remain centered and focused in the moment no matter what lemony snickett series of chaos is currently going on around me, I find that the old adage "Be careful what you wish for"...to be so very relevant! We pray for what we want and meditate upon what we believe we need, yet what we often refuse to see is that sometimes the most annoying or painful situation is exactly what will lead to that next level of awareness in our lives. I am NOT a patient person. Allow me to elaborate, I am not patient with elements that exist only because someone was not diligent enough to keep them from occurring. I am not patient with trivial yet annoying things. I am very patient with some of the most important areas that require patience. As I said in my last post "I have been raped. I have been beaten. I have been homeless. I've got this." However, let the wind blind me with my hair several times after removing it from my face, and I will throw a terrible two tantrum inside my head! (working on this)...

 I abhor laziness and we all know that only a handful of us truly work hard in this life. Some are just not driven with any sense of purpose. Those of us who are must work even harder to make things flow smoothly. This alone adds to our stress levels. We care. We are passionate. We believe that with due diligence what should occur will. "You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one." John Lennon of course believed that this world could change. So did Martin Luther King, JR. So did Mahatma Gandhi. So did Mother Teresa. You get my point. We can make a difference in this world. What I have been really working on lately is the realization that when I am stressed the only thing I am good at drawing to me is more negative elements. We are walking electrical beings filled with levels of emotion and energies that even the most profound among us are still not completely aware of. So, here I stand in the center of my temple, offering myself up as a vessel. Please use me as you need in these times of darkness. To my voice may they hearken because my people are straight sobbin' and I would love to see them free. We have the power to change the world around us, but first it begins with changing the currents that flow within us. This is where I would like to say two words that I hope we can all focus on and build upon, together. Mental Posture.

How many of us remember our mother reminding us to "sit up straight", "stand up straight" or "don't slouch"?Many of us have participated in sports, martial arts or practiced yoga. Our spine is made up of vertebrae that when out of alignment can cause pressure on muscles or even pinch a nerve. How do you feel when your body is aching and you are attempting to work hard? How does your physical state affect your day? How does your posture affect you physical state?

Our brain is a complex bundle of nerves and axons, passages and fluid, dark and light matter. We are beautifully complex beings. I was raised in a home where I was not allowed to say "can't". I would never be able (pun noticed) to repay my parents for instilling this intrinsic value in me. And since I just said "can't" in a fancy way right after say I was not allowed to say can't, allow me to rephrase. I will repay my parents for instilling this intrinsic value in me by living my life to the fullest and becoming the exponential potential of my highest self.

So this is my current meditation, my new daily mantra. Mental Posture. Every time I begin going down a negative pathway, I will stop, breathe and re-route. I am a firm believer that everything happens with purpose in this Grand Algorithm we call Life. "All things work together for the good of those that love God." Stay centered in Divine Light, straighten your mental spine, breathe in deep the air that offers us life and live your life to the fullest.

Love. Light. Laughter and "the peace that surpasses all understanding".

Reflections

I guess sometimes in life we sit and stare at the television screen afraid to get up and do what we know we are supposed to do with our lives. Perhaps, some of us are afraid to fail while others are afraid to succeed. We spend hours wasted in worry energy. Sometimes the things we worry about come to pass while others never come to fruition. The truth is we have more control over our lives than we allow. As young kids we had dreams. We wanted to be something special when we grew up. There are a lot of distracting forces out there. Some are composed of our own vices, our lust. Some are systemic from a society that will always be less than perfect. The fact remains that we all make an impact on our world. Hours can be spent second guessing decisions made or life can be lived and breathed to the fullest. The truth is that it is most likely that I did something wrong that caused my trigger to die. It is also possible it had nothing to do with me. More mistakes will be made. More losses will occur. I will gain weight, and I will lose weight. I will cry and I will laugh. What matters is finding balance. I was told by a friend today that he was most impressed with the fact that I had been through so much but had never allowed myself to be victimized. I often tell people in times of trouble "I have been homeless. I have been beaten. I have been raped. I've got this." I guess what we all know is that we are not always strong. My new clown fish started antagonizing my puffer tonight after the new fish acclimated to the tank. I have stayed up extra late worried that the puffer was going to be attacked. I would hate to lose her. The point I am trying to finally get across to myself is that I can waste time worrying about things that may or may not happen and live an ordinary life OR I can let the puzzle pieces land where they may and live an extra-ordinary one! I am a highly responsible woman. I have a lot of really good friends. I have produced two albums. My first CD is all over the world. I have published a book. I am working on my second degree. I am an honor student. I say none of this to brag or pet my ego. The funniest part is that as much as I have overcome; as much as I have accomplished, I am always afraid of the next step. I guess that is a natural element in evolution, I just find it amusing. What I do find utterly amazing is the amount of incredible people I have in my life. I am surrounded by love, laughter, and life. I am surrounded by people that truly love me, always have my back when I am struggling with that next step, who let me know every day how much I mean to them. So, I am making a proposal for this next year of my life. Terror, sorrow, pain and loss are a part of life. However, so are love, laughter, light, hope, peace, charity, honor, integrity, and joy. My cup overflows. There is no half full here. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life. I am honored by this enchanted life I lead. Sure, there will always be the ones who just don't get me. There will always be the ones who shoot darts of fear my way. There will always be haters. It has been an intense few months. While I did accomplish a lot this Summer, I also spent a lot of hours lounging around. Perhaps, I needed it. I do believe that all things happen with purpose in this grand algorithm we call life. However, I also know that I must push myself up to the next step I have been so afraid of taking. I have been so busy saying that I was waiting for the next step to appear that I forgot I was an artist. This time I have to paint the door, watch it dry and open it myself. I am a sensitive soul. I care what people think because I care about the people thinking. The truth is that I cannot expect the whole world to understand me. I would like to thank my Mother for always being there. Not only did she see the socially awkward child I was, she saw the woman I would become. My Mother listened to everything that came out of my extremely complicated brain. She was and is my sounding wall. This walk I have chosen may be incredibly lonely at times, but I will never be alone. I have too many amazing people in my life. I am honored by my Father and the integrity and work ethic he gave me. I am strong. I am vibrant. I am driven. I am passionate. I have only just begun. To every person I love, your name is written on the walls of my heart. My soul is luminous with all the love I feel from those that know me best. Thank you all for making this a year I will never forget. School begins on Monday and although I expected my last day of Summer Break to be quite different, this day has provided me everything I need to survive this next chapter. I have faith in me. I know that even my mistakes will lead me where I am supposed to go. I will never forget how much the journey matters. I am grateful for every step I have taken so far and excited to look back upon the rest. I know this semester will provide many challenges and many victories, new faces and new stories for me to love. I will give all of myself as I grow daily. I will admit when I am wrong. I will build a better tomorrow. I will follow the Sun where it guides me. I will reflect in the face of the moon each night. I will make my life count.