Reflections

I guess sometimes in life we sit and stare at the television screen afraid to get up and do what we know we are supposed to do with our lives. Perhaps, some of us are afraid to fail while others are afraid to succeed. We spend hours wasted in worry energy. Sometimes the things we worry about come to pass while others never come to fruition. The truth is we have more control over our lives than we allow. As young kids we had dreams. We wanted to be something special when we grew up. There are a lot of distracting forces out there. Some are composed of our own vices, our lust. Some are systemic from a society that will always be less than perfect. The fact remains that we all make an impact on our world. Hours can be spent second guessing decisions made or life can be lived and breathed to the fullest. The truth is that it is most likely that I did something wrong that caused my trigger to die. It is also possible it had nothing to do with me. More mistakes will be made. More losses will occur. I will gain weight, and I will lose weight. I will cry and I will laugh. What matters is finding balance. I was told by a friend today that he was most impressed with the fact that I had been through so much but had never allowed myself to be victimized. I often tell people in times of trouble "I have been homeless. I have been beaten. I have been raped. I've got this." I guess what we all know is that we are not always strong. My new clown fish started antagonizing my puffer tonight after the new fish acclimated to the tank. I have stayed up extra late worried that the puffer was going to be attacked. I would hate to lose her. The point I am trying to finally get across to myself is that I can waste time worrying about things that may or may not happen and live an ordinary life OR I can let the puzzle pieces land where they may and live an extra-ordinary one! I am a highly responsible woman. I have a lot of really good friends. I have produced two albums. My first CD is all over the world. I have published a book. I am working on my second degree. I am an honor student. I say none of this to brag or pet my ego. The funniest part is that as much as I have overcome; as much as I have accomplished, I am always afraid of the next step. I guess that is a natural element in evolution, I just find it amusing. What I do find utterly amazing is the amount of incredible people I have in my life. I am surrounded by love, laughter, and life. I am surrounded by people that truly love me, always have my back when I am struggling with that next step, who let me know every day how much I mean to them. So, I am making a proposal for this next year of my life. Terror, sorrow, pain and loss are a part of life. However, so are love, laughter, light, hope, peace, charity, honor, integrity, and joy. My cup overflows. There is no half full here. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life. I am honored by this enchanted life I lead. Sure, there will always be the ones who just don't get me. There will always be the ones who shoot darts of fear my way. There will always be haters. It has been an intense few months. While I did accomplish a lot this Summer, I also spent a lot of hours lounging around. Perhaps, I needed it. I do believe that all things happen with purpose in this grand algorithm we call life. However, I also know that I must push myself up to the next step I have been so afraid of taking. I have been so busy saying that I was waiting for the next step to appear that I forgot I was an artist. This time I have to paint the door, watch it dry and open it myself. I am a sensitive soul. I care what people think because I care about the people thinking. The truth is that I cannot expect the whole world to understand me. I would like to thank my Mother for always being there. Not only did she see the socially awkward child I was, she saw the woman I would become. My Mother listened to everything that came out of my extremely complicated brain. She was and is my sounding wall. This walk I have chosen may be incredibly lonely at times, but I will never be alone. I have too many amazing people in my life. I am honored by my Father and the integrity and work ethic he gave me. I am strong. I am vibrant. I am driven. I am passionate. I have only just begun. To every person I love, your name is written on the walls of my heart. My soul is luminous with all the love I feel from those that know me best. Thank you all for making this a year I will never forget. School begins on Monday and although I expected my last day of Summer Break to be quite different, this day has provided me everything I need to survive this next chapter. I have faith in me. I know that even my mistakes will lead me where I am supposed to go. I will never forget how much the journey matters. I am grateful for every step I have taken so far and excited to look back upon the rest. I know this semester will provide many challenges and many victories, new faces and new stories for me to love. I will give all of myself as I grow daily. I will admit when I am wrong. I will build a better tomorrow. I will follow the Sun where it guides me. I will reflect in the face of the moon each night. I will make my life count.