As a young woman, my parents instilled in me that honesty certainly was the best policy. Whether we are discussing friendship, marriage, family or co-workers, being honest was high on the list of any set of priorities. In this day of secrets, side-chicks and friends with benefits, I am deeply disturbed about the layers of lies that find their way into almost every connection.
Integrity, a strong moral compass and a strong work ethic were also factors people were measured against in my generation. I am far from perfect, yet I am certainly proud of the woman I am, and have much faith for the woman I am yet to become.
American culture generates strong pulses of individualism which in turn generates a need to "throw people under the bus" and "stab someone in the back" to get ahead. Often lying about our abilities is the first impulse so we can get that job we so desperately want/need. In my household, there was no shame in saying, "I don't know". What was expected however was doing the research required to find out! This is how I became so devout about attaining knowledge.
I have been told more than several times that I share too much, that I am too emotional and that I shouldn't broadcast my business. A few years ago, after hearing these things several times by those closest to me, I started practicing layering the exposure I offered to my life. It resulted in a big, fat, hairy mess! My inner circle knows me to be raw, real, and extremely honest. Beyond the frustration of deciding who should know what, and trying to remember what parts of me I exposed to which people, came another level of frustration.
No matter how honest you are, or how much you share, people are going to have their perception of you. They are going to use the filter of their life experience to "judge" you and "size you up". No One on this Earth knows me like I know me! At thirty eight I am finally ready to "stand on my square", "claim my Divinity" and remember how to be the calm in the center of the storm. I sleep with my own soul each night, and I know that I have done all that is required of me. I am a work in progress just like any other being on this planet, and I strive daily to become the best of me.
When you open yourself up to other people's opinions and advice, you have to promise yourself to listen to your Spirit overall. My soul surely knows the way. I was told recently by someone I am very close to that I am too emotional (never heard THAT before). I was told by another fellow traveler that I am not focused and I need to put more energy into myself. I was told by someone who spent a few moments looking into my life that I needed to stop focusing on only the questions in life, and I should share the answers as well. I could go on for days with advice, opinion, and criticism that has been funneled my way. I am not saying that I am not grateful for those who care for me. I am not saying that there have not been times that someone's advice was exactly what I needed to hear. I am just expressing that the old saying, "take it with a grain of salt" is highly important.
Especially as a figure in the public eye, I open myself to so many souls. I have love for them all. I see the light in them all. However, not everyone has a clear view of me. Not everyone is coming from the foundation of honest intentions. Not everyone even know themselves like they proclaim to know me! I am a very sensitive heart. I have a gift of seeing the best in people. I try to build people up and lift them up to the light. That by no means negates the fact that I also see the darkness in people. I have my own demons to face.
It is because of the things I have done wrong that I do my best NOT to judge my fellow travelers. I forgive easily because I wish to be treated with the same respect. Just because I forgive you, does not mean you can continue to perform the same errant behaviors and still be good with me. I do have lines that may not be crossed. Apologies may soothe a situation. They may even be genuine, however, if someone continues to do the same thing over and over and over, they will have to be removed from my circles. If I am slapped every time I come in to kiss you, will I expect kisses?
Like Saturn, I have innermost and outermost rings with levels of intimacy in between. My inner circle has no doubt who I am or what they mean to me. They are my council. They are my fire. They are the ones I turn to when I need to be reminded who I am and what purpose I serve on this fiery planet. The truth may be uncomfortable. What you believe to be the truth may have been based on a false premise. Assumptions...well, you know what they say.
All I would love to see come from this post, is everyone who reads it taking a moment to reflect on their level of commitment to the truth. Research, listen, reflect, and grow. Speak honestly to the best of your ability. Let your intentions be to seek out the truth and may the integrity in your chest hold you to your moral compass. First and foremost, be honest with yourself. The truth shall set you free!
With all the layers of lies this society has come to accept, it is hard to trust anyone. People are skeptical about love, truth, trust, honor, and so many other things that once were standard in most people. We have grown in technology, but our technology has begun to separate us, and tear us from the moral fiber we once so proudly stood for.
I love the best in you. I see the worst in you. I love the best in me. I see the worst in me. Daily, I work to become closer to the mark. Daily, I work to reach my maximum potential. From the outside, you may not see the work I am doing. I hope something I said inspired you to be true, especially to you!
Much love,
Lady RAin.
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
Saturday, August 13, 2016
Unfolding Orgiami
I am not who I once was
Nor am I who I shall be
And yes, I realize this concept
Is quite elementary
Rudimentary
These life fundamentals
Every breath that I take
Is purely elemental
Supplemental my intelligence
With beauty accidental
Owe that part to genetics babe
It was simply parental
Push it down
These emotions I feel
Like every thought I possess
Rolls out on reel to reel
He said my name
Should never have been in your mouth
Now, hard as I try
I cannot seem to spit it out
These Queens say I am "ride or die"
But whose death am I riding to?
I pump the brakes, hold his hand
And fight to hold the truth
But what if this story is
His business and mine?
How do I decide
Where to draw the lines?
Sign over symptom
My song ever carries
And I am struggling to
Limit my bearings
Setting nauticals to
Keep me closer to home
Close to the bone
Ready to hone in
Cuz I only dive to save people
Ready to swim
If you ain't in it to win it
Then sit the fuck down
Tell yourself can't one more time
And count yourself out
If you walkin with me
Then we walkin devout
Penetrate the promenade
Of the average full of doubt
Armies of angels
Ready to rise
Baby boy, just remember
You opened more than my thighs
Goddess on the rise
Wings to the skies
Perfecting my pieces
this puzzle born life
Nor am I who I shall be
And yes, I realize this concept
Is quite elementary
Rudimentary
These life fundamentals
Every breath that I take
Is purely elemental
Supplemental my intelligence
With beauty accidental
Owe that part to genetics babe
It was simply parental
Push it down
These emotions I feel
Like every thought I possess
Rolls out on reel to reel
He said my name
Should never have been in your mouth
Now, hard as I try
I cannot seem to spit it out
These Queens say I am "ride or die"
But whose death am I riding to?
I pump the brakes, hold his hand
And fight to hold the truth
But what if this story is
His business and mine?
How do I decide
Where to draw the lines?
Sign over symptom
My song ever carries
And I am struggling to
Limit my bearings
Setting nauticals to
Keep me closer to home
Close to the bone
Ready to hone in
Cuz I only dive to save people
Ready to swim
If you ain't in it to win it
Then sit the fuck down
Tell yourself can't one more time
And count yourself out
If you walkin with me
Then we walkin devout
Penetrate the promenade
Of the average full of doubt
Armies of angels
Ready to rise
Baby boy, just remember
You opened more than my thighs
Goddess on the rise
Wings to the skies
Perfecting my pieces
this puzzle born life
Catharsis
There's a place
where darkness rises to the surface
Like the scum on a good soup
And you may find yourself surprised
to find it came up out of you
Yet there's a place
Where darkness rises to the surface
Like that scum on a good soup
And in that place,
You will find the way
To get it all out of you
where darkness rises to the surface
Like the scum on a good soup
And you may find yourself surprised
to find it came up out of you
Yet there's a place
Where darkness rises to the surface
Like that scum on a good soup
And in that place,
You will find the way
To get it all out of you
She Lay It Down
(She lay the pencil down, down
She lay the pencil down) 3x's
She prolific, honorific, you're gonna have to get with this
Or we're goin our separate ways
You say I'm play checkers
You're playin chess tho
I follow my Spirit
Can't you hear it?
You know I go with the flow
You don't want a label
It's a fable
You're unstable
But I really like watching you grow
I'll be all right, B
With or without you
Although I like you
That somethin you just don't seem to know
I'm self sufficient
Independent; I'm stupendous
I know everything my soul needs to know
She lay it down, down
She lay it down, down, down
Can you hear the sound now?
She lay it down, down, down
She lay the pencil down) 3x's
She prolific, honorific, you're gonna have to get with this
Or we're goin our separate ways
You say I'm play checkers
You're playin chess tho
I follow my Spirit
Can't you hear it?
You know I go with the flow
You don't want a label
It's a fable
You're unstable
But I really like watching you grow
I'll be all right, B
With or without you
Although I like you
That somethin you just don't seem to know
I'm self sufficient
Independent; I'm stupendous
I know everything my soul needs to know
She lay it down, down
She lay it down, down, down
Can you hear the sound now?
She lay it down, down, down
Tuesday, July 19, 2016
Black Lives Matter/All Lives Matter
When someone says that Black Lives Matter, the correct response is not All Lives Matter. Yes, of course, All Lives Matter. Black Lives Matter is a movement that was created in 2012 after the murder of Trayvon Martin. "Black Lives Matter is working for a world where Black lives are no longer systematically and intentionally targeted for demise." Patrisse Cullors, Opal Tometi, and Alicia Garza founded this organization with passion for Black Lives, and intend to "build connections between Black people and ... allies to fight anti-Black racism, to spark dialogue among Black people, and to facilitate the types of connections necessary to encourage social action and engagement." (blacklivesmatter.com).
After the murder of Alton Sterling, I attended a rally here in Rochester, New York. The Democrat & Chronicle estimated our number at 400, and 74 of us were arrested. In Atlanta, there was an estimated 10,000 protesters and only 2 were arrested. A lot of people connected to me, and some quite close to my heart, have given me a lot of harsh criticism for my involvement in the movement. I have even had family members tell me I was, "acting black", that I "should be proud to be a 'white girl'", and that rallies will not solve anything.
I explained to one of my young family members why I wrote my latest piece "Not Me" in which I state, "I am NOT a white girl!" I explained to her that had Rosa Parks not sat in the front of that bus, it may still be illegal for black people to sit anywhere other than the back of the bus. I explained to her that Dr. King was arrested for civil disobedience more than twice and rallies do have the power to draw attention and change things. I explained that while the paper said we threw rocks at the police, we did no such thing. I explained that we were sitting on our behinds eating pizza when the police came in riot gear.
In my opinion, if Black Lives Mattered and our voices had a right to be heard, a liaison from the City would have come out to speak to us rather than sending over 100 officers in riot gear to clear the street in military formation. I feel many actions have both positive and negative ramifications, and I understand that knowledge is the key element missing here.
There are problems on every front, but the main point that needs to be heard and digested is that those of us who are fighting for equality are not going to stop fighting until all lives are treated equally in this country. I stand for what I believe in and I am sure along the way, I will learn, augment and grow with every new obstacle, every new truth I encounter.
Rallies are by no means the only action I am taking either. We must be reading, listening, learning, remain active in our communities.
The system is corrupt, and we cannot change what we do not discuss. There are officers who fight for right and put their lives on the line for us every day. There are also racist cops who hunt down and murder Black people. There are good and bad people in every segregated category. I may not get to see the Promised Land, but I fight for a day when sexual preference, religious affiliation, ethnic background, income level, education level, no longer keep us in segregated categories. We are one human race. I have friends from every type of classification. I judge people by their integrity, work ethic, honesty, loyalty, thirst for knowledge, etc. "You may call me a dreamer, but I am not the only one"... (John Lennon)
So for all of you arguing with one another, judging one another, can we try something new? Can we listen, learn, and grow together. The powers that be love to keep us separated, keep us segregate from one another. Imagine the world of possibility if we unified forces. We all have good and bad qualities within us. We all have joy and pain. We all have dreams and fears. This country has good and bad qualities too. However, you cannot sit back blind and idle pretending that everything is all right while people are being targeted and murdered, and the media lies to cover up what is actually going on. This is the country we were born in, that we live in, and we have a right to democratically mold it into the country of our dreams. You can stare at a screen till the day you die and do nothing with your life, but if that is your choice, please stop complaining about what is going on around you. Please stop judging those that are standing up for what they believe in.
Would it kill you just once to say, "Black Lives Matter"...can we not work together to realize a day in this country when All Lives really do Matter! They should. And if I have anything to do with it, they will!
Be the best you, you can possibly be. Stand up for what you believe. Unify, and rise. It is our time to shine.
After the murder of Alton Sterling, I attended a rally here in Rochester, New York. The Democrat & Chronicle estimated our number at 400, and 74 of us were arrested. In Atlanta, there was an estimated 10,000 protesters and only 2 were arrested. A lot of people connected to me, and some quite close to my heart, have given me a lot of harsh criticism for my involvement in the movement. I have even had family members tell me I was, "acting black", that I "should be proud to be a 'white girl'", and that rallies will not solve anything.
I explained to one of my young family members why I wrote my latest piece "Not Me" in which I state, "I am NOT a white girl!" I explained to her that had Rosa Parks not sat in the front of that bus, it may still be illegal for black people to sit anywhere other than the back of the bus. I explained to her that Dr. King was arrested for civil disobedience more than twice and rallies do have the power to draw attention and change things. I explained that while the paper said we threw rocks at the police, we did no such thing. I explained that we were sitting on our behinds eating pizza when the police came in riot gear.
In my opinion, if Black Lives Mattered and our voices had a right to be heard, a liaison from the City would have come out to speak to us rather than sending over 100 officers in riot gear to clear the street in military formation. I feel many actions have both positive and negative ramifications, and I understand that knowledge is the key element missing here.
There are problems on every front, but the main point that needs to be heard and digested is that those of us who are fighting for equality are not going to stop fighting until all lives are treated equally in this country. I stand for what I believe in and I am sure along the way, I will learn, augment and grow with every new obstacle, every new truth I encounter.
Rallies are by no means the only action I am taking either. We must be reading, listening, learning, remain active in our communities.
The system is corrupt, and we cannot change what we do not discuss. There are officers who fight for right and put their lives on the line for us every day. There are also racist cops who hunt down and murder Black people. There are good and bad people in every segregated category. I may not get to see the Promised Land, but I fight for a day when sexual preference, religious affiliation, ethnic background, income level, education level, no longer keep us in segregated categories. We are one human race. I have friends from every type of classification. I judge people by their integrity, work ethic, honesty, loyalty, thirst for knowledge, etc. "You may call me a dreamer, but I am not the only one"... (John Lennon)
So for all of you arguing with one another, judging one another, can we try something new? Can we listen, learn, and grow together. The powers that be love to keep us separated, keep us segregate from one another. Imagine the world of possibility if we unified forces. We all have good and bad qualities within us. We all have joy and pain. We all have dreams and fears. This country has good and bad qualities too. However, you cannot sit back blind and idle pretending that everything is all right while people are being targeted and murdered, and the media lies to cover up what is actually going on. This is the country we were born in, that we live in, and we have a right to democratically mold it into the country of our dreams. You can stare at a screen till the day you die and do nothing with your life, but if that is your choice, please stop complaining about what is going on around you. Please stop judging those that are standing up for what they believe in.
Would it kill you just once to say, "Black Lives Matter"...can we not work together to realize a day in this country when All Lives really do Matter! They should. And if I have anything to do with it, they will!
Be the best you, you can possibly be. Stand up for what you believe. Unify, and rise. It is our time to shine.
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
Authentic
It is not always easy to be your authentic self in today's Western society. The general population judge one another based on Appearance, Income, Fashion, Intelligence, Ethnicity, Gender, Sex Appeal, Sexual Preference, Religion, etc. Wouldn't it be nice to be viewed instead by our integrity, honesty, loyalty, work ethic, compassion, passion, focus, and evolution? During young adulthood, I feel it was easy to get lost in viewing myself through the lens of others opinions of me instead of my own intrinsic worth. It is important to take in account our negative traits, focus intently on them long enough to come up with a plan of action to evolve in the necessary areas. However, it is extremely necessary to pay proper attention on what is right with us! Becoming the best of one self is a moment by moment decision to strive in the direction of perfection. We all have areas that need growth. I often find myself condescending in an area that I excel at. WRONG IDEA! There are lines I cross that others would never even entertain. My mother once reminded me of the old saying to measure oneself against the yardstick the Christ. If we measure ourselves by others, it is Ego rather than Spirit that is involved. My main objective in life is to become the best of me. I will take others opinions into account, measure myself by what they see and be honest if there is an area that needs attention. Overall, I sleep with my own Soul at night. I commune with Spirit daily. I walk in the light as often as possible. I work hard to right my wrongs. Every day, I grow a little more. I wish the same for us all.
Thank you for your constant love and support.
~lady RAin
Thank you for your constant love and support.
~lady RAin
Wednesday, June 8, 2016
Chapter & Verse
I spoke to the Student Accounts Department at Pacifica today and found out the total I would be responsible for per month to cover the tuition gap between Financial Aid and the grand total. It is not a low figure. Between rent, cost of living and the monthly flight I would have to take to campus, I certainly cannot make that figure work with my current money making situation. I do have applications and resumes in various places throughout the city and have a possible dream come true situation that I will share when (if) it comes to fruition. There is also the possibility of the Graduate Plus Loan if I can find a benevolent soul to cosign for me. I am going to call the Federal Loan department and see if there is anything else possible as well. I have a couple months before I would need to have this all ironed out, and in my life especially, anything is possible. For now, I am walking forward, listening closer, and waiting for the revelation of the next chapter & verse.
As always, thank you all for your constant love and support.
~RAin
As always, thank you all for your constant love and support.
~RAin
Tuesday, June 7, 2016
An Update...
Hey everyone. Thanks for keeping up with me. I have a very heavy heart, and as you all know, I believe in everything happening with purpose. I don't believe in accidents. I follow my Spirit, and I believe in the power of my Destiny. I am an optimist, a realist, a hard-working, genuine soul. However, there are days that I just feel overwhelmed. This transition has been so hard on me since my return to New York. I sold and gave away most everything I owned with the intentions of serving in the Peace Corps for 27 months. This would have in turn served as a fellowship toward my Doctoral Degree at Pacifica Graduate Institute. I did not get accepted into the program for the Peace Corps and determined it as a sign I was not meant to go. I moved forward with Plan B which was to apply for my doctorate right away. I got accepted! Unfortunately, my Financial Aid is not enough to cover it, and I applied today for the Grad Plus Loan and was denied. I am fighting tears. I am grateful to have my job, but even with six shifts last week, I wasn't even able to make my generously low rent (love Vickie and Erik with all my heart) on time. I could stomp my feet and say, "Woe is me" and throw a temper tantrum...not going to lie, part of me really wants to. However, I really DO believe in the path of my destiny and I am remaining as constant, confident and strong as I know how. I am looking forward to the next step whatever it might be. Please send me love & light and I will keep you posted on how things go...thank you all for your constant love & support.
~RAin
~RAin
Monday, June 6, 2016
El Camino (the way)
As a woman who has been raped three times (the first two times by men who proclaimed to love me, and the most recent by someone I barely knew), it surprises me how much love and trust I still have in the human race. It is a gift and a curse to be able to see the light in a human soul. I look into the eyes of the person facing me and I reflect the Divine within. I see the best of them. That does not mean I do not see the worst. I just prefer to believe in each souls potential. Regardless of which tradition of thought you tend to align with, I think most of us would agree that we all have a "good" side and a "bad" side. We all would probably also agree that we have choices to make with each moment as we are presented which direction we will head in.
I set out on a walk along the El Camino today. Toward the beginning of my walk, I came across a man who appeared to be in his late twenties walking a dog. I said "Hello" to him then "Pretty dog." I received no response and barely a glance. I could tell I had been heard however. A little farther along my journey, I came across three people on a bike ride. An older woman, a man about my age, and a younger woman, probably an older teen. None of them looked me in the eye or greeted me in any fashion. I was daunted but moved on. I kept thinking how in this digital age with so many new ways to communicate, we make less connections than ever before.
I was reflecting deep in my thoughts about recent events in my life. Two main tributaries were as follows: first, the two pages of Jeremiah, KJV, I found while walking the same trek last week. I have since taken on the reading of the book of Jeremiah, slowly, a couple chapters per day and am about half way through. The first page I found was pages 295-296 in the Bible that It was separated from which covers chapter 5:6 until chapter 9:6. I found the first page while headed away from the place where I currently rest my head and the second page I found dead center in the sidewalk on the return half of the walk. The second page was pages 301-302, and covered Jeremiah chapter 19:4 to chapter 23:37. I am including all the numbers with purpose. I do not believe that everything in life is a sign, but I firmly believe that we are given puzzle pieces at a time, signs and symbology to build a big picture, the path of our destiny. I believe that the book of Jeremiah holds great significance at this juncture especially as I have never found pages of the Bible separate from the unit in my entire life! The second main tributary of thought was regarding the three yellow jackets that appeared in my room in the space of less than two days! My Brother Wolf helped me discern from our Native American perspective the significance of those 3 hornets. In Native American folklore, a hornet or wasp represents female warrior status. The stripes represent dichotomy, possibly of a person surrounding you, possibly of the warrior herself. Being able to see the duality in a soul or in the elements surrounding us is of great importance to a warrior. The sting (I was not stung) has other sacred meanings, and can be used as strong medicine especially for joints. I am cutting out sacred details to keep the purpose of the story moving. These are the two main things I was thinking of as I was walking.
At some point along the path, I hear a male voice, seemingly calling out to me. I look around and see no one, but with all my spidey senses, I know the energy is directed at me. I walk on. It comes again, I look all around, this time I have goosebumps. As I was headed out to the trail, the birds all around me were flittering and fussing, calling out like the warning of a storm on its way. I was on high alert. I take nothing for granted in this world. At this point, there is an eerie silence, and on full alert, I spin around to see a man come out of the trees behind me with his arms spread wide. He is yelling after me, asking me to come back. I still don't even understand where he came from. I began to chant and pray and walk at a very rapid rate. Luckily he was lazy and I am incredibly fast, and he had not desire enough to pursue me. My mother's voice filled my head, "You know God is not responsible to protect you if you jump out in front of a semi." I controlled my breathing, and walked a little slower.
Two things occurred to me. First, no wonder so many people no longer make eye contact, or speak when spoken to. Second, not only do I need to become the warrior within, but one of my major purposes with Cadence House will be to educate women on how to communicate effectively, and to protect ourselves from danger. So many women place themselves in situations where they are not safe. So many of us do not really know how to say no. So many of us flirt and flaunt because the lust and chemical reciprocation feels good, but do it in places where our safety is not guaranteed. In no situation is rape justified. If a woman is making out with a man or more, and decides that is as far as she would like to go, no must mean no! However as women, we often are sipping toxins in places where we are unsafe and unaware of our surroundings. We want to be beautiful. We want to be loved. We must protect ourselves. We must use our intuition, as well as find physical means of remaining safe. I would encourage every woman to take safety defense classes, and carry some means of protecting yourself. Control your surroundings and don't be trusting of people that do not deserve your trust. I am a work in progress as we all are, and I have many miles along this journey of learning to go.
thank you for sharing this portion with me.
love & light
~RAin
I set out on a walk along the El Camino today. Toward the beginning of my walk, I came across a man who appeared to be in his late twenties walking a dog. I said "Hello" to him then "Pretty dog." I received no response and barely a glance. I could tell I had been heard however. A little farther along my journey, I came across three people on a bike ride. An older woman, a man about my age, and a younger woman, probably an older teen. None of them looked me in the eye or greeted me in any fashion. I was daunted but moved on. I kept thinking how in this digital age with so many new ways to communicate, we make less connections than ever before.
I was reflecting deep in my thoughts about recent events in my life. Two main tributaries were as follows: first, the two pages of Jeremiah, KJV, I found while walking the same trek last week. I have since taken on the reading of the book of Jeremiah, slowly, a couple chapters per day and am about half way through. The first page I found was pages 295-296 in the Bible that It was separated from which covers chapter 5:6 until chapter 9:6. I found the first page while headed away from the place where I currently rest my head and the second page I found dead center in the sidewalk on the return half of the walk. The second page was pages 301-302, and covered Jeremiah chapter 19:4 to chapter 23:37. I am including all the numbers with purpose. I do not believe that everything in life is a sign, but I firmly believe that we are given puzzle pieces at a time, signs and symbology to build a big picture, the path of our destiny. I believe that the book of Jeremiah holds great significance at this juncture especially as I have never found pages of the Bible separate from the unit in my entire life! The second main tributary of thought was regarding the three yellow jackets that appeared in my room in the space of less than two days! My Brother Wolf helped me discern from our Native American perspective the significance of those 3 hornets. In Native American folklore, a hornet or wasp represents female warrior status. The stripes represent dichotomy, possibly of a person surrounding you, possibly of the warrior herself. Being able to see the duality in a soul or in the elements surrounding us is of great importance to a warrior. The sting (I was not stung) has other sacred meanings, and can be used as strong medicine especially for joints. I am cutting out sacred details to keep the purpose of the story moving. These are the two main things I was thinking of as I was walking.
At some point along the path, I hear a male voice, seemingly calling out to me. I look around and see no one, but with all my spidey senses, I know the energy is directed at me. I walk on. It comes again, I look all around, this time I have goosebumps. As I was headed out to the trail, the birds all around me were flittering and fussing, calling out like the warning of a storm on its way. I was on high alert. I take nothing for granted in this world. At this point, there is an eerie silence, and on full alert, I spin around to see a man come out of the trees behind me with his arms spread wide. He is yelling after me, asking me to come back. I still don't even understand where he came from. I began to chant and pray and walk at a very rapid rate. Luckily he was lazy and I am incredibly fast, and he had not desire enough to pursue me. My mother's voice filled my head, "You know God is not responsible to protect you if you jump out in front of a semi." I controlled my breathing, and walked a little slower.
Two things occurred to me. First, no wonder so many people no longer make eye contact, or speak when spoken to. Second, not only do I need to become the warrior within, but one of my major purposes with Cadence House will be to educate women on how to communicate effectively, and to protect ourselves from danger. So many women place themselves in situations where they are not safe. So many of us do not really know how to say no. So many of us flirt and flaunt because the lust and chemical reciprocation feels good, but do it in places where our safety is not guaranteed. In no situation is rape justified. If a woman is making out with a man or more, and decides that is as far as she would like to go, no must mean no! However as women, we often are sipping toxins in places where we are unsafe and unaware of our surroundings. We want to be beautiful. We want to be loved. We must protect ourselves. We must use our intuition, as well as find physical means of remaining safe. I would encourage every woman to take safety defense classes, and carry some means of protecting yourself. Control your surroundings and don't be trusting of people that do not deserve your trust. I am a work in progress as we all are, and I have many miles along this journey of learning to go.
thank you for sharing this portion with me.
love & light
~RAin
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
Silent Scream
Peanut butter pipe dreams
Not even the sirens can hear me scream
Lighthouse, light show
Teach me somethin' that I don't know
We grow together exponential
In Agape love with potential
In the White House presidential
Let them carry on judgmental
Thin spider web over window pane
My blood runs quick within my veins
This heart pumps thick
The love we made
And all the haters keep throwing shade
Wading in these waters deep
Pray the Rain my soul to keep
Constant obstacles beg me weep
But I keep on marching
Though the hill is steep
Hold me on your chest tonight
Wish we could be side by side
Better yet go back in time
Whispers messages sublime
Like maybe don't go out tonight
Lovemaking needs no alibi
I sigh with Angel wings Divine
Remind myself what should be mine
Time never tarries for the story to be told
Yet every time we speak
The Universe unfolds
God broke the mold when he
Made you & I
And when we are together
The Heavens sigh
I cry in the breaking
Darkness before the Dawn
My song ever carries
And I keep marching on
I march for the people
For the freedom of our souls
And every time I step
One can hear the thunder roll
Because I am the Rain
No man may contain me
So many have tried
I hate the sound of hearts breaking
This Agape love emblazoned
Across my chest
Means everything to me
And I truly detest
How humanity attempts
To make tiny little boxes
Complete with labels, colors & locks, see
We were designed to go with the flow
Adapt & evolve
Follow the paths of our soul
Encourage, inspire
And together to rise
Divinity within the flesh
Wings to the skies
Eyes on the prize
Yet so many give less
Each and every day I promise
To offer my best
Blessed beyond reason
This life I love
There's only one thing
That I'm dreaming of
My song ever carries
My sounds to the Sea
And soon the sirens
Will be listening to me
Singing sweet songs of freedom
No more may I divest
For all of you here marching
Continue giving your best
Keep believing in Mount Zion
And the promise of brighter days
Manifest destiny
This war we wage
Keep singing sweet songs of freedom
Eyes forever on the prize
And when the trumpet has sounded
You'll know it is our time to rise
Not even the sirens can hear me scream
Lighthouse, light show
Teach me somethin' that I don't know
We grow together exponential
In Agape love with potential
In the White House presidential
Let them carry on judgmental
Thin spider web over window pane
My blood runs quick within my veins
This heart pumps thick
The love we made
And all the haters keep throwing shade
Wading in these waters deep
Pray the Rain my soul to keep
Constant obstacles beg me weep
But I keep on marching
Though the hill is steep
Hold me on your chest tonight
Wish we could be side by side
Better yet go back in time
Whispers messages sublime
Like maybe don't go out tonight
Lovemaking needs no alibi
I sigh with Angel wings Divine
Remind myself what should be mine
Time never tarries for the story to be told
Yet every time we speak
The Universe unfolds
God broke the mold when he
Made you & I
And when we are together
The Heavens sigh
I cry in the breaking
Darkness before the Dawn
My song ever carries
And I keep marching on
I march for the people
For the freedom of our souls
And every time I step
One can hear the thunder roll
Because I am the Rain
No man may contain me
So many have tried
I hate the sound of hearts breaking
This Agape love emblazoned
Across my chest
Means everything to me
And I truly detest
How humanity attempts
To make tiny little boxes
Complete with labels, colors & locks, see
We were designed to go with the flow
Adapt & evolve
Follow the paths of our soul
Encourage, inspire
And together to rise
Divinity within the flesh
Wings to the skies
Eyes on the prize
Yet so many give less
Each and every day I promise
To offer my best
Blessed beyond reason
This life I love
There's only one thing
That I'm dreaming of
My song ever carries
My sounds to the Sea
And soon the sirens
Will be listening to me
Singing sweet songs of freedom
No more may I divest
For all of you here marching
Continue giving your best
Keep believing in Mount Zion
And the promise of brighter days
Manifest destiny
This war we wage
Keep singing sweet songs of freedom
Eyes forever on the prize
And when the trumpet has sounded
You'll know it is our time to rise
Monday, May 16, 2016
Agape Love
This may be the hardest thing I will ever sit down to write. This may be the largest weight I have ever carried. But, I cannot take one more step carrying a cross that is not mine to carry. I cannot take one more step breathing in the fumes of someone else's lies. The truth as we know it does not always exist in plain view. I stand before you naked, raw, seeking purification, seeking to rise.
I was raised to be honest. I was taught that "honesty is the best policy". I was conditioned to believe in the best in people. I was shown my demons at a very young age and asked to rise to the challenge of setting my self free. From my perspective, we all have a moment by moment choice. We follow the darker or more primal parts of us, or we choose the light or more evolved aspects of our character. I am certainly flawed and have a couple things about myself that I really wish to rid from my being. I work hard every day on me. I take an honest look in the mirror. Anyone that knows me at all knows I am speaking the truth.
The funny thing about the truth, and honesty is it comes in many shades and shadows of the actual definition of those words. Now, before you get upset with me and stop reading, please consider what I am trying to say. A story can have an absolute beginning, middle and ending with concrete elements that actually took place. However, in the remembering of the story, in the telling of the tale, the "truth" often becomes anything but. We all know historically, the "truth" gets to be accounted by the "victor". So many "history" books contain very little to no truth. The older I get, the more I realize how perception factors in to the story of a life. Furthermore, there are parts that must be left out because they a) embarrass the one telling the story, b) embarrass someone they love, c) have legal elements that cannot be repeated, d) could get someone in trouble, or e) any number of other reasons I did not mention.
The point I am working toward is that since Agape Armageddon Towns was tried and convicted, my life has changed abruptly. I have found it harder and harder to tell my own life story. There are very few people who know the entire story. There are times I have shared portions and regretted it greatly as I have been judged, analyzed, or lectured because of the way his choices affected me. Since my return to Rochester, I have received true support from very few people. It has been quite hard for me to come home and hold my head up against the din. I have also come to full realization that so many people only have a tiny portion of our story. I am going to take the time to rectify this. I will have to say that there are unfortunately some portions that will have to be left out because they do not belong to only me, however, I will tell you all that is mine to share. I am tired of carrying this weight.
Agape and I met late in 2008. His father told me to check out his open mic at Boulder Coffee on Alexander. It was friendship at first sight. He is a good deal younger than me and at the time was about 18. His poetry was dope and his spirit was old school and we hit it off right away. I honestly didn't realize how young he was at first. But it really didn't matter, our souls had a lot to say to one another. We shared a lot of the same mics and we often rode together to and from venues. I was in a relationship when we met and so was he. He let me know early on that he was attracted to me, and although I found him attractive, I was not drawn to him that way because of his age. He just wasn't grown enough for me. People talk and a lot of people in our circle assumed we had been together, but we knew the truth and let them talk. Any of my close friends that asked were answered but other than that we didn't really address it. One night when I had broken off the relationship that I had been in when we met, I was chilling at his house on Normandy and he and I cuddled which I desperately needed. We were listening to music and as I began to get sleepy, I decided to get up and go. He leaned in to hug me goodbye and then kissed me. The kiss was nice but I had to gently push him back. I told him I was going to go. He asked me to marry him. I laughed. I said, "Towns, stop playing." He said he was serious and that when I was over anyone else I might consider to be an option for my life, he would be standing there, ready and waiting to be my husband. I laughed again, and then paused...I wasn't sure how to take it. He walked me out to my car and we didn't speak of it for some years.
Later, some time just after his twentieth birthday, we went to a show together. He had another one to do, A Black family reunion and invited me to come along and bless the mic. I laughed. He said he was serious and that after the family heard me on the mic, they would see why he had brought me along. So I went. I blessed the mic and sure enough, they loved me. People were buying me drinks left and right and I was overjoyed at the response and conversation. Both of us had been invited (strangely through different circles) to a house party that night. We decided to go. At the party, I drank one more which proved to be too many and Agape, who had not been drinking offered to drive me home. He was breaking up with his girl at the time, and asked if he could stay with me. Agape always took good care of me. I loved and trusted him. So, I said yes. We ended up doing a lot of kissing. And then, we had sex. Which is really a shame, because I was pretty intoxicated and I was really not any fun. After, he held me and that was really amazing. Felt so comfortable between us. A little time passed and it was late in 2011. He was hosting an open mic at Venue. Brandon, Melissa and I decided to go.
Brandon had a studio opening and invited me to come along but something in my spirit said stay. Propegolution was a buzz word in the Roc and Agape had yet to hear it somehow. He begged me to do it and so I did. When I got off the mic, I looked across the room and there he was looking into my soul. I realized that his marriage proposal was real and that perhaps my heart was curious to see what he had to offer. The energy between us had definitely shifted. The next morning, he called me and asked if he could take me out to breakfast. I accepted. We needed to talk. Over breakfast at my favorite place, we agreed to date. We agreed to focus only on each other and see what was meant to be seen. Unfortunately that chance was never afforded us. He was locked up less than two weeks later. We never went on our first date, never made love, never got to see what this was.
Over the years, Agape had asked me to marry him a couple times. I always just felt he was being young and frivolous. I have been married and divorced. I knew what it was like to raise children, buy and lose houses and have a broken heart. He did not.
In further complication to my life, Agape claimed me as his alibi. I was pulled into the case. The DA threatened to throw me in jail if I did not stand for them. I was to be flown to Rochester, kept in a hotel and made to take the stand. Having no money for a lawyer nor seeing any way out, I realized I must comply. However, I wanted everyone in this city to know whose side I was on. A few nights before my plane was scheduled to land for the trial of my lifetime, I tattooed his name across my chest. I wanted the whole courtroom to see exactly who I was there for. Now, Agape as you know means Unconditional love so I figured what better word to wear in honor than unconditional love.
This October, Agape will have been inside for five years. We will have known each other for eight. He knew long before his incarceration that he wanted me to be his wife. I never came to the same conclusion. I never got the chance to see. I have held him down for these almost five years. I am his best friend. I have tried to be constant in a situation that allows no wiggle room. I have tried to come to a conclusion, but until now, I have tried to no avail. I have had moments of sheer despair because I hate this situation for both of us. Had he not been incarcerated, I would have dated him and had the chance to see if we were meant for one another. The prison system is not a system designed for actual reform or rehabilitation. Men and women do not go inside and come out better. That is rare. It is a system of punishment, oppression, subjugation and demonstration of power. I do not even have the option of seeing Agape as he is meant to be seen.
I promised him I would hold him down till he came home. I know that I am all he has. I have been for him what any best friend should be. But, he is in love with me, and I am not in love with him. I cannot stand this story. His love is poetic. His love is romantic. His love is deep. His love is intuitive. His love is classic. But, without him here beside me, I can't really see what we are together in that way. I have seen things in him only prison could draw to the surface, and heard words from his lips he never really wanted to say. I have stood by him no matter what. But his love for me is ripping him apart.
So we made a deal. The only way I can date him (without of course bringing him home) was to marry him legally so I could go inside and spend one on one time with him. Share meals. Watch movies. Have conversation that is not being hawked down in the middle of the visiting room. I'm also involved in this case (unfortunately) and there are things I need to know. So against my own Spirit, against all the council of my inner circle, my mother, his grandmother, I married him so I could go inside. Legally, I am his wife. But, Agape and I have a clear understanding that it is a piece of legal paper to facilitate our spending time together. I was afraid that if I walked away from considering him as a romantic partner, I would live with the feeling that I would "never know" for the rest of my life. I also feel after holding him down so long, and missing him so much out here, that I deserved to be next to him for a while. That way, even if I realized what I already knew, that we couldn't be together, I would have spent some time with him and offered healing to both of us.
Furthermore, it is helpful for the case. I can meet with lawyers, get paperwork and make phone calls as his legal wife to advocate for him. I will stand by my conviction that his sentence was unfair, and that he certainly should already be on his way home. He did a lot right. He didn't deserve 17 years!
After divorcing Brad, I had no intentions to get married ever again. And outside of this situation, I never would have. I don't consider myself married right now, and I know that so many of you will probably stop following along at this point. Agape and I have a clear understanding, and though he is very in love with me, he understands my side of this and how hard it has been on me. He also is grateful for all that I have done.
Very recently, I told him that I couldn't go on like this anymore. I told him as unfair as this storyline is for both of us, I just knew that he wasn't in the right place to be with me (no pun intended). I need a comrade out here with me, someone with similar goals, someone who is headed in the same direction, someone who can hold me on their chest at night, someone who might like to make a baby with me. So, we settled that and decided we would just be friends. There are so many parts of this story that cannot be adequately explained in one small blog, but I am doing my best.
The worst part is, in the middle of all this, I fell in love for the first time in five years. The man I have been seeing is brilliant, spiritual, poetic, charming, driven, passionate and an amazing lover. Now before everyone jumps to judge me, there is nothing Agape Towns does not know about me. The hard part is explaining Agape to anyone else. I haven't even told most of my family about this. I just realized that for my own good, I really need to come clean. It is hard for me to carry all this weight around with me.
I know there is a calling on my life so without or without a man at my side, with or without a child from my womb, I will do what I was meant to do on this earth. I must be true to myself. I know that Agape and I are not in harmony. I am his best friend. I will continue to hold him down. I am scared to post this and open myself up to a world of questions, but I am tired of all the inconsistencies in the stories that float around the community and I realize a lot of it has come from me not being able to share.
I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. I love to be open and honest and raw. So many people have told me to keep my business to myself for my own benefit. This world is scared of their information being used against them. We are scared of being judged. We are scared of being rejected. We are scared of being abandoned. I am a good woman. I will continue to get even better every day. I love my life, and I have utter faith in the process. I have complete confidence in my destiny. Please love me for who I am, stand beside me and lift me up to the light.
I will continue to share my stories with you because that is what I do. I will also endeavor to not engage in storylines that I cannot share. My job is to share my journey. My gift is my song. My truth is my music. I see the next chapter opening before me. I believe that life is coming to rescue me once again. I believe in the sound of poetry my voice makes even when it shakes and cries. I will spread my wings and fly. I have so much left to give. I will never stop moving forward. I believe in Me!
Thank you all for your constant love and support.
I was raised to be honest. I was taught that "honesty is the best policy". I was conditioned to believe in the best in people. I was shown my demons at a very young age and asked to rise to the challenge of setting my self free. From my perspective, we all have a moment by moment choice. We follow the darker or more primal parts of us, or we choose the light or more evolved aspects of our character. I am certainly flawed and have a couple things about myself that I really wish to rid from my being. I work hard every day on me. I take an honest look in the mirror. Anyone that knows me at all knows I am speaking the truth.
The funny thing about the truth, and honesty is it comes in many shades and shadows of the actual definition of those words. Now, before you get upset with me and stop reading, please consider what I am trying to say. A story can have an absolute beginning, middle and ending with concrete elements that actually took place. However, in the remembering of the story, in the telling of the tale, the "truth" often becomes anything but. We all know historically, the "truth" gets to be accounted by the "victor". So many "history" books contain very little to no truth. The older I get, the more I realize how perception factors in to the story of a life. Furthermore, there are parts that must be left out because they a) embarrass the one telling the story, b) embarrass someone they love, c) have legal elements that cannot be repeated, d) could get someone in trouble, or e) any number of other reasons I did not mention.
The point I am working toward is that since Agape Armageddon Towns was tried and convicted, my life has changed abruptly. I have found it harder and harder to tell my own life story. There are very few people who know the entire story. There are times I have shared portions and regretted it greatly as I have been judged, analyzed, or lectured because of the way his choices affected me. Since my return to Rochester, I have received true support from very few people. It has been quite hard for me to come home and hold my head up against the din. I have also come to full realization that so many people only have a tiny portion of our story. I am going to take the time to rectify this. I will have to say that there are unfortunately some portions that will have to be left out because they do not belong to only me, however, I will tell you all that is mine to share. I am tired of carrying this weight.
Agape and I met late in 2008. His father told me to check out his open mic at Boulder Coffee on Alexander. It was friendship at first sight. He is a good deal younger than me and at the time was about 18. His poetry was dope and his spirit was old school and we hit it off right away. I honestly didn't realize how young he was at first. But it really didn't matter, our souls had a lot to say to one another. We shared a lot of the same mics and we often rode together to and from venues. I was in a relationship when we met and so was he. He let me know early on that he was attracted to me, and although I found him attractive, I was not drawn to him that way because of his age. He just wasn't grown enough for me. People talk and a lot of people in our circle assumed we had been together, but we knew the truth and let them talk. Any of my close friends that asked were answered but other than that we didn't really address it. One night when I had broken off the relationship that I had been in when we met, I was chilling at his house on Normandy and he and I cuddled which I desperately needed. We were listening to music and as I began to get sleepy, I decided to get up and go. He leaned in to hug me goodbye and then kissed me. The kiss was nice but I had to gently push him back. I told him I was going to go. He asked me to marry him. I laughed. I said, "Towns, stop playing." He said he was serious and that when I was over anyone else I might consider to be an option for my life, he would be standing there, ready and waiting to be my husband. I laughed again, and then paused...I wasn't sure how to take it. He walked me out to my car and we didn't speak of it for some years.
Later, some time just after his twentieth birthday, we went to a show together. He had another one to do, A Black family reunion and invited me to come along and bless the mic. I laughed. He said he was serious and that after the family heard me on the mic, they would see why he had brought me along. So I went. I blessed the mic and sure enough, they loved me. People were buying me drinks left and right and I was overjoyed at the response and conversation. Both of us had been invited (strangely through different circles) to a house party that night. We decided to go. At the party, I drank one more which proved to be too many and Agape, who had not been drinking offered to drive me home. He was breaking up with his girl at the time, and asked if he could stay with me. Agape always took good care of me. I loved and trusted him. So, I said yes. We ended up doing a lot of kissing. And then, we had sex. Which is really a shame, because I was pretty intoxicated and I was really not any fun. After, he held me and that was really amazing. Felt so comfortable between us. A little time passed and it was late in 2011. He was hosting an open mic at Venue. Brandon, Melissa and I decided to go.
Brandon had a studio opening and invited me to come along but something in my spirit said stay. Propegolution was a buzz word in the Roc and Agape had yet to hear it somehow. He begged me to do it and so I did. When I got off the mic, I looked across the room and there he was looking into my soul. I realized that his marriage proposal was real and that perhaps my heart was curious to see what he had to offer. The energy between us had definitely shifted. The next morning, he called me and asked if he could take me out to breakfast. I accepted. We needed to talk. Over breakfast at my favorite place, we agreed to date. We agreed to focus only on each other and see what was meant to be seen. Unfortunately that chance was never afforded us. He was locked up less than two weeks later. We never went on our first date, never made love, never got to see what this was.
Over the years, Agape had asked me to marry him a couple times. I always just felt he was being young and frivolous. I have been married and divorced. I knew what it was like to raise children, buy and lose houses and have a broken heart. He did not.
In further complication to my life, Agape claimed me as his alibi. I was pulled into the case. The DA threatened to throw me in jail if I did not stand for them. I was to be flown to Rochester, kept in a hotel and made to take the stand. Having no money for a lawyer nor seeing any way out, I realized I must comply. However, I wanted everyone in this city to know whose side I was on. A few nights before my plane was scheduled to land for the trial of my lifetime, I tattooed his name across my chest. I wanted the whole courtroom to see exactly who I was there for. Now, Agape as you know means Unconditional love so I figured what better word to wear in honor than unconditional love.
This October, Agape will have been inside for five years. We will have known each other for eight. He knew long before his incarceration that he wanted me to be his wife. I never came to the same conclusion. I never got the chance to see. I have held him down for these almost five years. I am his best friend. I have tried to be constant in a situation that allows no wiggle room. I have tried to come to a conclusion, but until now, I have tried to no avail. I have had moments of sheer despair because I hate this situation for both of us. Had he not been incarcerated, I would have dated him and had the chance to see if we were meant for one another. The prison system is not a system designed for actual reform or rehabilitation. Men and women do not go inside and come out better. That is rare. It is a system of punishment, oppression, subjugation and demonstration of power. I do not even have the option of seeing Agape as he is meant to be seen.
I promised him I would hold him down till he came home. I know that I am all he has. I have been for him what any best friend should be. But, he is in love with me, and I am not in love with him. I cannot stand this story. His love is poetic. His love is romantic. His love is deep. His love is intuitive. His love is classic. But, without him here beside me, I can't really see what we are together in that way. I have seen things in him only prison could draw to the surface, and heard words from his lips he never really wanted to say. I have stood by him no matter what. But his love for me is ripping him apart.
So we made a deal. The only way I can date him (without of course bringing him home) was to marry him legally so I could go inside and spend one on one time with him. Share meals. Watch movies. Have conversation that is not being hawked down in the middle of the visiting room. I'm also involved in this case (unfortunately) and there are things I need to know. So against my own Spirit, against all the council of my inner circle, my mother, his grandmother, I married him so I could go inside. Legally, I am his wife. But, Agape and I have a clear understanding that it is a piece of legal paper to facilitate our spending time together. I was afraid that if I walked away from considering him as a romantic partner, I would live with the feeling that I would "never know" for the rest of my life. I also feel after holding him down so long, and missing him so much out here, that I deserved to be next to him for a while. That way, even if I realized what I already knew, that we couldn't be together, I would have spent some time with him and offered healing to both of us.
Furthermore, it is helpful for the case. I can meet with lawyers, get paperwork and make phone calls as his legal wife to advocate for him. I will stand by my conviction that his sentence was unfair, and that he certainly should already be on his way home. He did a lot right. He didn't deserve 17 years!
After divorcing Brad, I had no intentions to get married ever again. And outside of this situation, I never would have. I don't consider myself married right now, and I know that so many of you will probably stop following along at this point. Agape and I have a clear understanding, and though he is very in love with me, he understands my side of this and how hard it has been on me. He also is grateful for all that I have done.
Very recently, I told him that I couldn't go on like this anymore. I told him as unfair as this storyline is for both of us, I just knew that he wasn't in the right place to be with me (no pun intended). I need a comrade out here with me, someone with similar goals, someone who is headed in the same direction, someone who can hold me on their chest at night, someone who might like to make a baby with me. So, we settled that and decided we would just be friends. There are so many parts of this story that cannot be adequately explained in one small blog, but I am doing my best.
The worst part is, in the middle of all this, I fell in love for the first time in five years. The man I have been seeing is brilliant, spiritual, poetic, charming, driven, passionate and an amazing lover. Now before everyone jumps to judge me, there is nothing Agape Towns does not know about me. The hard part is explaining Agape to anyone else. I haven't even told most of my family about this. I just realized that for my own good, I really need to come clean. It is hard for me to carry all this weight around with me.
I know there is a calling on my life so without or without a man at my side, with or without a child from my womb, I will do what I was meant to do on this earth. I must be true to myself. I know that Agape and I are not in harmony. I am his best friend. I will continue to hold him down. I am scared to post this and open myself up to a world of questions, but I am tired of all the inconsistencies in the stories that float around the community and I realize a lot of it has come from me not being able to share.
I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. I love to be open and honest and raw. So many people have told me to keep my business to myself for my own benefit. This world is scared of their information being used against them. We are scared of being judged. We are scared of being rejected. We are scared of being abandoned. I am a good woman. I will continue to get even better every day. I love my life, and I have utter faith in the process. I have complete confidence in my destiny. Please love me for who I am, stand beside me and lift me up to the light.
I will continue to share my stories with you because that is what I do. I will also endeavor to not engage in storylines that I cannot share. My job is to share my journey. My gift is my song. My truth is my music. I see the next chapter opening before me. I believe that life is coming to rescue me once again. I believe in the sound of poetry my voice makes even when it shakes and cries. I will spread my wings and fly. I have so much left to give. I will never stop moving forward. I believe in Me!
Thank you all for your constant love and support.
The Man In The Window
Last night's show was amazing! I got called out of the room to have a brilliant spiritual message delivered to me. It cost me some time on the mic, but it was well worth it in the long run. As it turns out, I was all amped up for the show all day and didn't get enough catharsis, so I had to go back to Press Coffee today and had to sit back at that beautiful baby grand and play! As I was sitting there in the precious Rochester sunshine, I remembered the man in the window last night as I played "Gaze"...
So, I have to share this story. Usually, when I play "Gaze" I preface it with the story of why I wrote it, what it means to me and so forth. Last night, I strangely did not, and as I sat at the piano, the story of how I wrote it played itself out in real time. Allow me to explain.
Just before my first journey to New York City, I wrote "Gaze" with the intentions of getting us all to stop and think about connections that we feel with one another a little longer before we walk away. I think we would all agree that there are times we make eye contact, and we feel this exquisite connection. Now, it might be physical, mental, emotional, spiritual...we know for sure there is an exchange that needs to be made, but sometimes we simply turn and walk away. Sometimes, it is our insecurities. Whatever the case may be, whatever it is that we are afraid of, we miss the moment we were supposed to share with the reflecting soul.
So as I was playing "Gaze" last night, this older black man, well dressed and rocking a Fedora, came to the window and watched me play. He stood mesmerized for nearly the entire song. I made eye contact with him, and stared at him as he was watching me do what I do best. Toward the end of the song, he turned and walked away. I watched him retreat down the sidewalk, pause at the entrance, and continue down his path away from what intrigued him. I couldn't believe how perfect this was! My storyline that inspired the lyrics for my song, "I don't even know your name, love. I shouldn't have let you walk way..." were taking place before my very eyes.
As I rose from the piano, Krysis exclaimed about the man in the window, recognizing the irony. I then expressed my joy at the synchronicity of the Universe. Obviously, I was meant to tell my story. The crowd now had an even deeper connection to the title track for my upcoming fourth album, "Gaze". I just had to share...Thank you all for your constant love and support. You mean the world to me.
So, I have to share this story. Usually, when I play "Gaze" I preface it with the story of why I wrote it, what it means to me and so forth. Last night, I strangely did not, and as I sat at the piano, the story of how I wrote it played itself out in real time. Allow me to explain.
Just before my first journey to New York City, I wrote "Gaze" with the intentions of getting us all to stop and think about connections that we feel with one another a little longer before we walk away. I think we would all agree that there are times we make eye contact, and we feel this exquisite connection. Now, it might be physical, mental, emotional, spiritual...we know for sure there is an exchange that needs to be made, but sometimes we simply turn and walk away. Sometimes, it is our insecurities. Whatever the case may be, whatever it is that we are afraid of, we miss the moment we were supposed to share with the reflecting soul.
So as I was playing "Gaze" last night, this older black man, well dressed and rocking a Fedora, came to the window and watched me play. He stood mesmerized for nearly the entire song. I made eye contact with him, and stared at him as he was watching me do what I do best. Toward the end of the song, he turned and walked away. I watched him retreat down the sidewalk, pause at the entrance, and continue down his path away from what intrigued him. I couldn't believe how perfect this was! My storyline that inspired the lyrics for my song, "I don't even know your name, love. I shouldn't have let you walk way..." were taking place before my very eyes.
As I rose from the piano, Krysis exclaimed about the man in the window, recognizing the irony. I then expressed my joy at the synchronicity of the Universe. Obviously, I was meant to tell my story. The crowd now had an even deeper connection to the title track for my upcoming fourth album, "Gaze". I just had to share...Thank you all for your constant love and support. You mean the world to me.
Tuesday, April 26, 2016
April Update.
As you all know, I gave away and sold everything that I owned expecting to be accepted in the Peace Corps for an assignment in South Africa teaching English. I would have also learned Swahili and would have been afforded the trip to go to a country rich with history and struggle and would have been able to walk some of the same steps that Mandela walked. I moved back home to Rochester and for the first month was treated like and lived like a Queen. Being back in the same basement I was when my life fell apart in 2011 had me facing some of the same thoughts I had and some of the same emotions. I reflected on all that I had accomplished alive with hope. Ready for the journey. I was not accepted for the position and though the Peace Corps has repeatedly invited me to try for other positions, I interpreted not being sent as a sign that it was not meant for me to go. Africa is certainly calling me, and I know my work will take me there under different, more appropriate parameters. I was daunted however. I mean, I gave away my piano! I sold my rig (keys, amp, stand, bench, case, cables...) which I have had since I was 19! I bought it at the House of Guitars right down the street from where I once again am laying my head to rest through a massive transformation in my life. I own no bed, no cookware, no furniture of any sort, and to what end? To purchase it all again? No one in my life expected me not to go (except my beautiful mother). So, I activated Plan B.
Plan B saw me accepted into the Doctoral Program of my dreams at Pacifica Graduate Institute. The goal to attain a Doctorate in Depth Psychology, CLE (Critical Community Psychology, Liberation Psychology, and Eco-Psychology). Yesterday, As Kamahria warned me I would find, it was made clear to me just how large the gap was between what Financial Aid can cover and what I will be responsible for by other means. Now, having no rich relative that is able to support me, I have two options that I know of so far. First, there is a Student Account department that arranges the balance in monthly or quarterly payments. Second, I can take out a Grad Plus loan. I am waiting to find out how much the monthly/quarterly payments would amount to. The Grad Plus loan is based on credit score and therefore, I am willing to bet that I am not even eligible. Once again, I am feeling daunted.
Furthermore, on a personal front, I have been really going through it! Some details I will not include (my inner circle knows). I have not been making sufficient money to even pay my bills since my arrival. I was just hired full time by Texas de Brazil and am hoping that this job is just as good to me as Seabreeze was and I am able to comfortably support myself all the way through my doctorate (that is IF the stars align for me to attain my doctorate). I do have absolute faith in the path my destiny sees me taking. I only get a couple puzzle pieces at a time. If I am not able to manage to get into Pacifica, I will activate Plan C. But that is getting ahead of myself...I really am rooting for Plan B.
I have had a lot of ghosts to face from my past life here in Rochester. I have a lot of history in this my beloved city. I have made some tragic mistakes, some significant errors in judgement, but I am able to say that I have also risen above some of the sins I have struggled with for what feels like centuries. I am transforming yet again, and if I say I have faith, then I must show it. I have been homeless, beaten, raped, so whether it is plan C, D, E, F, G or Z... I will follow the path of my destiny.
I would like to take a moment and thank every family member, every close friend, every fan, follower, fellow sojourner, supporter for offering me love and support every step of the way. It has been a turbulent ride for me the past couple months. However, there have been many amazing stories to tell along the way. I love my life and am grateful for even the toughest of times because it is these times where we truly get to show whether or not our soul is committed to Truth, whether or not we will be victorious. I am no ordinary woman. I have many to thank for helping me find every next version of me. I will first and foremost always thank my mother and father, Judy and Robert, for giving me every good thing they knew how to give. I know not where the next step might be but I do know the power of my destiny. I am humbled by the journey, honored by this gift, LIFE!
Plan B saw me accepted into the Doctoral Program of my dreams at Pacifica Graduate Institute. The goal to attain a Doctorate in Depth Psychology, CLE (Critical Community Psychology, Liberation Psychology, and Eco-Psychology). Yesterday, As Kamahria warned me I would find, it was made clear to me just how large the gap was between what Financial Aid can cover and what I will be responsible for by other means. Now, having no rich relative that is able to support me, I have two options that I know of so far. First, there is a Student Account department that arranges the balance in monthly or quarterly payments. Second, I can take out a Grad Plus loan. I am waiting to find out how much the monthly/quarterly payments would amount to. The Grad Plus loan is based on credit score and therefore, I am willing to bet that I am not even eligible. Once again, I am feeling daunted.
Furthermore, on a personal front, I have been really going through it! Some details I will not include (my inner circle knows). I have not been making sufficient money to even pay my bills since my arrival. I was just hired full time by Texas de Brazil and am hoping that this job is just as good to me as Seabreeze was and I am able to comfortably support myself all the way through my doctorate (that is IF the stars align for me to attain my doctorate). I do have absolute faith in the path my destiny sees me taking. I only get a couple puzzle pieces at a time. If I am not able to manage to get into Pacifica, I will activate Plan C. But that is getting ahead of myself...I really am rooting for Plan B.
I have had a lot of ghosts to face from my past life here in Rochester. I have a lot of history in this my beloved city. I have made some tragic mistakes, some significant errors in judgement, but I am able to say that I have also risen above some of the sins I have struggled with for what feels like centuries. I am transforming yet again, and if I say I have faith, then I must show it. I have been homeless, beaten, raped, so whether it is plan C, D, E, F, G or Z... I will follow the path of my destiny.
I would like to take a moment and thank every family member, every close friend, every fan, follower, fellow sojourner, supporter for offering me love and support every step of the way. It has been a turbulent ride for me the past couple months. However, there have been many amazing stories to tell along the way. I love my life and am grateful for even the toughest of times because it is these times where we truly get to show whether or not our soul is committed to Truth, whether or not we will be victorious. I am no ordinary woman. I have many to thank for helping me find every next version of me. I will first and foremost always thank my mother and father, Judy and Robert, for giving me every good thing they knew how to give. I know not where the next step might be but I do know the power of my destiny. I am humbled by the journey, honored by this gift, LIFE!
Sunday, April 24, 2016
Indelible (4-11-16)
It gets hard inside a head sometimes
Lines drawn never to be crossed
Later erased and replaced by polka dots
Spot on in significance at the time
Later looking faulty by design
Sign over symptom and song ever carries
Reassessing my bearings
Scary though how some people change
How inner circle becomes
Those farthest away
Swaying side by side
This sunlit day
Reminding myself why I came
The first place
The first taste
The first cut
The first space to be erased
These pencil lines seem
Indelible at the time
But eventually everything drawn
Swims into brand new perspective
I respect this more
Than I have ever taken time to say
And I love you more
Different
Each and every day
Sign over symptom
Imperfect by design
Time marches on
Without lines to define
This space
Lines drawn never to be crossed
Later erased and replaced by polka dots
Spot on in significance at the time
Later looking faulty by design
Sign over symptom and song ever carries
Reassessing my bearings
Scary though how some people change
How inner circle becomes
Those farthest away
Swaying side by side
This sunlit day
Reminding myself why I came
The first place
The first taste
The first cut
The first space to be erased
These pencil lines seem
Indelible at the time
But eventually everything drawn
Swims into brand new perspective
I respect this more
Than I have ever taken time to say
And I love you more
Different
Each and every day
Sign over symptom
Imperfect by design
Time marches on
Without lines to define
This space
Parameters
I wait
Anticipating greatness
Constancy
Constantly evolving me
Whispering
Sweet nothings into my darkness
Boasting great promises
Of eternal love
Smug
This cocky half rising smile
We both seem to have
Arrogance
Apparent as the Moon and Sun
We run
A world that most
Will never even see
Only taste in sips
While basking in the silver screen
Movie gleam
Living lifetimes inside the space
Of a storyline
Replacing time with pantomimes
Life is pleasure, pain in measures
That hardly ever
Can be adequately explained
You can not contain me in this place
Parameters undefined
I am yours and you are mine
In ways we have never known before
Scores of music played
In basement forgotten waves
Saying words meant to be said
To no one else but you
Anticipating greatness
Constancy
Constantly evolving me
Whispering
Sweet nothings into my darkness
Boasting great promises
Of eternal love
Smug
This cocky half rising smile
We both seem to have
Arrogance
Apparent as the Moon and Sun
We run
A world that most
Will never even see
Only taste in sips
While basking in the silver screen
Movie gleam
Living lifetimes inside the space
Of a storyline
Replacing time with pantomimes
Life is pleasure, pain in measures
That hardly ever
Can be adequately explained
You can not contain me in this place
Parameters undefined
I am yours and you are mine
In ways we have never known before
Scores of music played
In basement forgotten waves
Saying words meant to be said
To no one else but you
Tuesday, April 19, 2016
Pacific Time
I received my official acceptance letter in the mail today for the doctoral program of my choice at Pacifica Graduate Institute. To complete registration, I need to come up with $250 by the 30th. As many of you know, I have not been able to land the right job since my return home. I am not making enough money. I am barely making enough to pay for groceries and gas. Luckily I was able to use my tax money to travel to Chicago for Kamahria's dance for Ryan, and travel to Charleston for Rachel & Tim's wedding, but I have no hidden jackpots left. I have a lot of feelers out around the city and have been putting in application after application. I also will be going down to City Hall tomorrow to apply for every job my Bachelor's Degree qualifies me for. Please keep me in your thoughts, prayers and meditations that I may find the right spot where I can once again take excellent care of myself, pay my bills, and fly out once per month when classes begin. This is a really hard spot for me and I have been under an intense amount of emotional pressure since my return. I am facing a lot right now, growing tremendously and please continue to show me the love and support each and every one of you is so famous for.
Love & Light,
Rain.
Love & Light,
Rain.
Thursday, April 7, 2016
By The River (Agape Armageddon Towns)
I was born by a river
It was called the Genesee
Just like that river
The Hudson
And Mississippi
My city's polluting me
Females, foes and friends all hatin'
Seems my niggas be shootin' me.
It's been a long,
A long time running...
Running in shackles made for three.
And I know someday I will break free.
See, I was born at night.
Right under a full blue moon.
At exactly nine pm.
Not a minute after or too soon.
So excuse the likeness of a Lyken
Cause ware-wolf is in my blood
Used to run in packs just like ewe wood.
Now I'm a lone wolf just like I should.
Doggy-styled whatever bitch I could.
Devoured prey.
Wherever I may;
Since I was always up to no good.
Howled at the Moon all night in every single hood.
It's been a long...
A long time Stunting,
Stunting in Diamond chains of slavery.
And I sold my soul just so I could pay me.
Its been hella-hard living
And I can't wait to die.
I keep two middle fingers blazing high,
"Fuck" whatever's up there beyond the sky
Cause, I'm certain GOD walk's with me;
Through this Hell with every stride
I saw Hym and Myh own reflection,
Peering through these teary window-pained eyes.
Still I know someday, that a change is due to come.
But I'm so damn reluctant to be the changing one.
I once made a "Face-Time" Movie.
In it, she was going Downtown.
A Hilton bred hood groupie.
Turned Liberty Pole porn star now.
Until the great day came,
That she'd made that great claim;
That she was pregnant,
So I got two steppin'
You know I could not stick around.
I sent that film out as a text,
YouTubed to be a chauvinistic world.
Now my ex-girl, only gets
Misogynistic nick-names for her self and her every pearl.
Yet, we both know how, somebody has to cum.
It's been a long...
Long time fronting.
Fronting for flawless Jezebels to lay in my sheets.
The Adversity I Don't Sense is,
AIDS rushing my River bed to Sea.
Then I go to my lil brotha
and my lil brotha said, "Big Bro. Help me, Please."
So we devised a plan,
Masked up with gun in hand, and
Put mutha-fuckas down on their knees
Oh!
But when shit hit the fan,
Lil' Brotha took a Bible to his stand,
Cops came, he copped a "Plea".
Now, he'll get his program,
And I've got seventeen before I'm free.
And I still don't know my existence
Life's path is only blocked with resistance.
Yet, I can "almost" cee half the distance,
"Almost" like 120 degrees times three.
Well its been a long...
A long time gunning,
gunning down Negros in these streets.
And if I can't change now?
I'll die the death a slave should meet.
It was called the Genesee
Just like that river
The Hudson
And Mississippi
My city's polluting me
Females, foes and friends all hatin'
Seems my niggas be shootin' me.
It's been a long,
A long time running...
Running in shackles made for three.
And I know someday I will break free.
See, I was born at night.
Right under a full blue moon.
At exactly nine pm.
Not a minute after or too soon.
So excuse the likeness of a Lyken
Cause ware-wolf is in my blood
Used to run in packs just like ewe wood.
Now I'm a lone wolf just like I should.
Doggy-styled whatever bitch I could.
Devoured prey.
Wherever I may;
Since I was always up to no good.
Howled at the Moon all night in every single hood.
It's been a long...
A long time Stunting,
Stunting in Diamond chains of slavery.
And I sold my soul just so I could pay me.
Its been hella-hard living
And I can't wait to die.
I keep two middle fingers blazing high,
"Fuck" whatever's up there beyond the sky
Cause, I'm certain GOD walk's with me;
Through this Hell with every stride
I saw Hym and Myh own reflection,
Peering through these teary window-pained eyes.
Still I know someday, that a change is due to come.
But I'm so damn reluctant to be the changing one.
I once made a "Face-Time" Movie.
In it, she was going Downtown.
A Hilton bred hood groupie.
Turned Liberty Pole porn star now.
Until the great day came,
That she'd made that great claim;
That she was pregnant,
So I got two steppin'
You know I could not stick around.
I sent that film out as a text,
YouTubed to be a chauvinistic world.
Now my ex-girl, only gets
Misogynistic nick-names for her self and her every pearl.
Yet, we both know how, somebody has to cum.
It's been a long...
Long time fronting.
Fronting for flawless Jezebels to lay in my sheets.
The Adversity I Don't Sense is,
AIDS rushing my River bed to Sea.
Then I go to my lil brotha
and my lil brotha said, "Big Bro. Help me, Please."
So we devised a plan,
Masked up with gun in hand, and
Put mutha-fuckas down on their knees
Oh!
But when shit hit the fan,
Lil' Brotha took a Bible to his stand,
Cops came, he copped a "Plea".
Now, he'll get his program,
And I've got seventeen before I'm free.
And I still don't know my existence
Life's path is only blocked with resistance.
Yet, I can "almost" cee half the distance,
"Almost" like 120 degrees times three.
Well its been a long...
A long time gunning,
gunning down Negros in these streets.
And if I can't change now?
I'll die the death a slave should meet.
Tidal Wave!
First, I would like to take the time to thank everyone who has offered me support. It has come from even the most surprising of sources. I am profoundly blessed to have so many good people lifting me up right now.
So many of you have been following my abstract posts and poetic phrases via social media. So many of you have reached out and asked if I am okay. So many of you have received vague answers and for that I must apologize but stick to my stance. I have grown in the last four years of living alone in my own space with my own conditions. I have realized that sometimes my "open book persona" really adds fuel to the wrong fire. I have always been wide open on the mic, offering the best and worst of my soul and as I received catharsis, my audience received my life story. Things have changed. There are things I now realize are more sacred silent.
That being said, I am going to offer explanation to the depth that I am willing to share. There is much going on underneath the surface of me ever since my return to Rochester. I am only asking that you all allow me my privacy and continue to send me love & light as I make some of the toughest decisions of my life.
Here I sit, in the same basement that caught me in 2010/11 when my whole life literally fell apart. I mean, I usually only give people five of the eighteen things that happened to me during that time (figurative numbers) but let me recount what led me to this place. Paul and I were breaking up as we lost the house on Dix Street we were trying to remodel and sell. My dog ran away: twice, and the second time I did not get her back! My grandparents died within months of one another. Paul's mother died about the same time. My ex-fiancée/childhood sweetheart passed away in a tragic car accident with his nine year old son, Nathan. My ex-husbands parents passed away and I was not welcome to the funeral. My entire music collection was wiped out due to a misunderstanding of how technology worked. Some of that music I will never be able to retrieve. I could keep going, but I am pretty certain you get the point.
Vickie and Erik were kind enough to allow me to move in to their finished basement and call it home till I was able to make my next move. I released my first album at this time, "After the Rain". It was quite poignant because the title track, After the Rain, was dedicated to Stephen Carl Thompson, my childhood sweetheart who passed away. I wrote the song to him when I was fifteen, and the timing was penetrating and viciously painful. My grandmother, perhaps my greatest fan, was said to listen to the album on repeat until her death at the young age of 69. In the middle of all this swirling crisis, I heard loud and clear to return to the Tampa area (to my family) and return to school. Toward the end of 2011, I did just that. I stayed with my sister Cassi and her husband and family for about a month and got my very first place on my own at the apartment complex my sister managed, Winding Lane.
After two years, I graduated with my Associates Degree from Saint Petersburg College in Clearwater, Florida. My last semester I had moved into a cute two bedroom house in Gulfport, Florida. I enrolled at the University of South Florida, St. Pete, and began work on my Bachelor's degree. December 2015 saw me graduate Cum Laude with a Degree in Psychology, Honors College. My thesis made waves across the campus and my professors were happy to see me graduate, but sad to see me leave. I sold what I could and gave away what I could not, and packed up my truck on New Year's Eve to return to the Great White North. The Peace Corps was calling, and no one doubted that I would be accepted.
The plan was to return to Rochester, catch up with good friends and await my assignment to South Africa with the Peace Corps. Everyone was certain the Peace Corps was going to accept me. I was a strong candidate. There was however this nagging feeling in my chest, and they did not accept me. They said I was a strong candidate and to apply for other positions. But I believe that it was a sign this was simply not for me. So, here I am in the same basement figuring my life out all over again. Here I am in the same city with the same stories I had when I left. Here I am realizing that there is a destined path and it is going to take some work to figure out the next move.
I was recently accepted into the Doctoral Program of my choice at Pacifica. There were some factors I did not understand correctly. The program meets only once per month for three days. We have a place to stay for those three days but not the rest of the month. Rent in Santa Barbara is quite high, so now I am faced with another grand decision. Do I stay in the Roc and fly out once per month for classes or do I move as close as I can to campus at a reasonable rate and live in California while I attain my degree?
Rochester and I have a long and sordid history. I have so many people here to which I am inextricably connected. That kind of depth in a city may make it hard to attain a doctorate while residing here in the Rochester. However, that kind of depth can make it the exactly right place to begin my work. So, I am currently considering my options. I know the right answer will certainly come to me, but please be patient as I wade these tumultuous waters and try to understand what is meant to be seen.
I have no bed. No piano. No anything. Heck, I even gave up half my shoe game. Everything has changed. But somehow in this basement, I wonder am I really different than I was when I left it, or am I just the same? It's been really deep for me, and I don't expect anyone to have magical answers. I do appreciate all the love and support. I know me. I will find the way. This is just the most major transition I have ever known.
That is one of the several things going on, and even though I cannot share the rest, I hope you all will understand that I will find the way, I will be okay, and I have tons of faith in the power of my destiny! Please continue to lift me up to the light, to send me love and energy, to know I will be all right, and together, we can make the difference we wish to become.
~Lady RAin
So many of you have been following my abstract posts and poetic phrases via social media. So many of you have reached out and asked if I am okay. So many of you have received vague answers and for that I must apologize but stick to my stance. I have grown in the last four years of living alone in my own space with my own conditions. I have realized that sometimes my "open book persona" really adds fuel to the wrong fire. I have always been wide open on the mic, offering the best and worst of my soul and as I received catharsis, my audience received my life story. Things have changed. There are things I now realize are more sacred silent.
That being said, I am going to offer explanation to the depth that I am willing to share. There is much going on underneath the surface of me ever since my return to Rochester. I am only asking that you all allow me my privacy and continue to send me love & light as I make some of the toughest decisions of my life.
Here I sit, in the same basement that caught me in 2010/11 when my whole life literally fell apart. I mean, I usually only give people five of the eighteen things that happened to me during that time (figurative numbers) but let me recount what led me to this place. Paul and I were breaking up as we lost the house on Dix Street we were trying to remodel and sell. My dog ran away: twice, and the second time I did not get her back! My grandparents died within months of one another. Paul's mother died about the same time. My ex-fiancée/childhood sweetheart passed away in a tragic car accident with his nine year old son, Nathan. My ex-husbands parents passed away and I was not welcome to the funeral. My entire music collection was wiped out due to a misunderstanding of how technology worked. Some of that music I will never be able to retrieve. I could keep going, but I am pretty certain you get the point.
Vickie and Erik were kind enough to allow me to move in to their finished basement and call it home till I was able to make my next move. I released my first album at this time, "After the Rain". It was quite poignant because the title track, After the Rain, was dedicated to Stephen Carl Thompson, my childhood sweetheart who passed away. I wrote the song to him when I was fifteen, and the timing was penetrating and viciously painful. My grandmother, perhaps my greatest fan, was said to listen to the album on repeat until her death at the young age of 69. In the middle of all this swirling crisis, I heard loud and clear to return to the Tampa area (to my family) and return to school. Toward the end of 2011, I did just that. I stayed with my sister Cassi and her husband and family for about a month and got my very first place on my own at the apartment complex my sister managed, Winding Lane.
After two years, I graduated with my Associates Degree from Saint Petersburg College in Clearwater, Florida. My last semester I had moved into a cute two bedroom house in Gulfport, Florida. I enrolled at the University of South Florida, St. Pete, and began work on my Bachelor's degree. December 2015 saw me graduate Cum Laude with a Degree in Psychology, Honors College. My thesis made waves across the campus and my professors were happy to see me graduate, but sad to see me leave. I sold what I could and gave away what I could not, and packed up my truck on New Year's Eve to return to the Great White North. The Peace Corps was calling, and no one doubted that I would be accepted.
The plan was to return to Rochester, catch up with good friends and await my assignment to South Africa with the Peace Corps. Everyone was certain the Peace Corps was going to accept me. I was a strong candidate. There was however this nagging feeling in my chest, and they did not accept me. They said I was a strong candidate and to apply for other positions. But I believe that it was a sign this was simply not for me. So, here I am in the same basement figuring my life out all over again. Here I am in the same city with the same stories I had when I left. Here I am realizing that there is a destined path and it is going to take some work to figure out the next move.
I was recently accepted into the Doctoral Program of my choice at Pacifica. There were some factors I did not understand correctly. The program meets only once per month for three days. We have a place to stay for those three days but not the rest of the month. Rent in Santa Barbara is quite high, so now I am faced with another grand decision. Do I stay in the Roc and fly out once per month for classes or do I move as close as I can to campus at a reasonable rate and live in California while I attain my degree?
Rochester and I have a long and sordid history. I have so many people here to which I am inextricably connected. That kind of depth in a city may make it hard to attain a doctorate while residing here in the Rochester. However, that kind of depth can make it the exactly right place to begin my work. So, I am currently considering my options. I know the right answer will certainly come to me, but please be patient as I wade these tumultuous waters and try to understand what is meant to be seen.
I have no bed. No piano. No anything. Heck, I even gave up half my shoe game. Everything has changed. But somehow in this basement, I wonder am I really different than I was when I left it, or am I just the same? It's been really deep for me, and I don't expect anyone to have magical answers. I do appreciate all the love and support. I know me. I will find the way. This is just the most major transition I have ever known.
That is one of the several things going on, and even though I cannot share the rest, I hope you all will understand that I will find the way, I will be okay, and I have tons of faith in the power of my destiny! Please continue to lift me up to the light, to send me love and energy, to know I will be all right, and together, we can make the difference we wish to become.
~Lady RAin
Monday, April 4, 2016
Communication Breakdown
I have come to realize that times have changed and when it comes to communication I am the oddball! It always saddens me that with the advent of the digital age, came this growing lack in communication skills. It seems it should have been the other way around. I will admit that I can be quite verbose (something I am certainly working on) but if you say you are going to do a thing, you should do it. If for some very good reason you cannot, you should connect with the people it involves and explain why you cannot.
Multiple times this week alone, people that I love very much have made plans with me and did not follow through. Now, I am grown and completely understand that things happen to impede the desired flow. I have no problem when plans get cancelled. What I truly do have a problem with is when someone makes plans with me, and I sit at home waiting for that phone call, that event to begin. I have a lot of friends in this city, and I do not prefer to sit still. If you cannot keep our plans, coolio, just let me know so I can do something else with my life.
There are obviously times when people fall asleep, their phone dies, car breaks down, they are hospitalized, and they are readily forgiven the lack of communication. I had plans with someone Sunday morning. Pretty important plans, and still have yet to have heard from this person. I love this person very much and we go WAY back! So, now I am worried, did something happen? This can all be alleviated by a text or phone call which could easily take 13 seconds or less...
In this day and age of mass involvement with social media, digital devices and instant messengers, please don't forget to be old school and communicate effectively. I have lots of important things to do with my time. If I care enough about you to not make other plans, please care enough about me to reach out when said plans must fall through. Is that really too much to ask?
Multiple times this week alone, people that I love very much have made plans with me and did not follow through. Now, I am grown and completely understand that things happen to impede the desired flow. I have no problem when plans get cancelled. What I truly do have a problem with is when someone makes plans with me, and I sit at home waiting for that phone call, that event to begin. I have a lot of friends in this city, and I do not prefer to sit still. If you cannot keep our plans, coolio, just let me know so I can do something else with my life.
There are obviously times when people fall asleep, their phone dies, car breaks down, they are hospitalized, and they are readily forgiven the lack of communication. I had plans with someone Sunday morning. Pretty important plans, and still have yet to have heard from this person. I love this person very much and we go WAY back! So, now I am worried, did something happen? This can all be alleviated by a text or phone call which could easily take 13 seconds or less...
In this day and age of mass involvement with social media, digital devices and instant messengers, please don't forget to be old school and communicate effectively. I have lots of important things to do with my time. If I care enough about you to not make other plans, please care enough about me to reach out when said plans must fall through. Is that really too much to ask?
Pacfic Time!
As most of you know I was accepted into the doctoral program of my choosing this week! The program begins at Pacifica Graduate Institute this October. Kamahria did some research for me and apartments in that area run about $4000/month. Classes only meet for the program three days per month and board is provided but only for that time. The rest of the month is spent in reading and assignments. It seems that staying here in my home community and flying out once per month makes the most sense. Right now, that is the direction I am leaning in. So, I thought, what is the best job that a woman who needs to fly once per month could go for, ding ding, yep, something with the airlines. So, I am about to apply for everything airline. As much as I love the company I am currently working for, I am not making the money I am used to, and I am certainly not making enough to pay bills. I will once again say how incredibly grateful I am for my close friends. One of which just paid my cell bill for the month, which was unfortunately past due.
Following that train of thought, I need a job that will pay for a small apartment, and the couple minor bills that I have like my cell and my car insurance. I am looking preferably for a one bedroom first floor apartment where I can have a piano (PLEASE!) and a quiet place to read and study for my doctoral degree. I also will work on some grant writing so I may begin my ministry in my community. This is home. This is the place I love. This is where I see myself beginning my work. I am asking that you all band together and lift me up to the light. I will only walk through the right open doors and desire only to make the very best of me in this life.
Thank you all for your constant love and support. I will keep you posted on my next moves.
Upward. Onward.
RAin Christi.
Following that train of thought, I need a job that will pay for a small apartment, and the couple minor bills that I have like my cell and my car insurance. I am looking preferably for a one bedroom first floor apartment where I can have a piano (PLEASE!) and a quiet place to read and study for my doctoral degree. I also will work on some grant writing so I may begin my ministry in my community. This is home. This is the place I love. This is where I see myself beginning my work. I am asking that you all band together and lift me up to the light. I will only walk through the right open doors and desire only to make the very best of me in this life.
Thank you all for your constant love and support. I will keep you posted on my next moves.
Upward. Onward.
RAin Christi.
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
Overflowing Joy
Today, at work I was walking by a young man I work with and noticed him rubbing his knee. With genuine concern I asked him what was hurting. He told me he had been in a coma after a terrible car accident for two months. This same car accident claimed the life of his best friend. Since then, he has had a pinched nerve that often results in terrible pain in his knee and leg.
Since I have worked there I have always noticed the joy in him. He is always cordial, smiling, singing and spitting another set of his favorite lyrics. I was amazed in his presence today as he told me the story of how the doctors had encouraged the family to "pull the plug" ending his life support. With tears in my eyes, I said, "I'm so glad they didn't!" He high fived me and I thanked him for sharing his story with me. I'm so glad I asked about his knee.
Later, I heard him quoting a Bible verse. I had chills as I heard, Colossians 1:19 (ESV) "For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell..." I asked him to please write it on a card for me and I slipped it into my server book. I was filled with joy as I walked in this morning. This bounce in my step was only lifted even farther by this spiritual exchange.
Life is not easy. It is filled with loss, and danger, and terrifying experiences. It is filled with hard decisions and moments of feeling completely lost. At the same time, people like my co-worker remind me that it is also filled with miracles, second chances and thousands of beautiful stories that save us from giving up.
I once heard a Rabbi say that sometimes God needs our help. This verse says we can be a space where God is happy to dwell. I live my life considering my every step, my every decision, my every breath and endeavor to be a space where the Divine is "pleased to dwell"...
I thank you all for your constant love and support.
~RAin (divinity within me)
Since I have worked there I have always noticed the joy in him. He is always cordial, smiling, singing and spitting another set of his favorite lyrics. I was amazed in his presence today as he told me the story of how the doctors had encouraged the family to "pull the plug" ending his life support. With tears in my eyes, I said, "I'm so glad they didn't!" He high fived me and I thanked him for sharing his story with me. I'm so glad I asked about his knee.
Later, I heard him quoting a Bible verse. I had chills as I heard, Colossians 1:19 (ESV) "For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell..." I asked him to please write it on a card for me and I slipped it into my server book. I was filled with joy as I walked in this morning. This bounce in my step was only lifted even farther by this spiritual exchange.
Life is not easy. It is filled with loss, and danger, and terrifying experiences. It is filled with hard decisions and moments of feeling completely lost. At the same time, people like my co-worker remind me that it is also filled with miracles, second chances and thousands of beautiful stories that save us from giving up.
I once heard a Rabbi say that sometimes God needs our help. This verse says we can be a space where God is happy to dwell. I live my life considering my every step, my every decision, my every breath and endeavor to be a space where the Divine is "pleased to dwell"...
I thank you all for your constant love and support.
~RAin (divinity within me)
Sunday, February 14, 2016
I Fight (a cypher)
I fight
Because the struggle is real
Working to stay positive
No matter how I feel
I feel the ground beneath my feet
Left
Right
Left
I meet my soul
in the boxed and shadow of love
Fighting to live
I fight for the ones who can't
For the ones we've lost
For the ones who stand
Against the danger of the living day
Some people are fighting to get out of prison
Certain people are going through pain
Trying hard to remain the same
We all go through something
Once in a while
But we fight to keep a smile
I fight for my family
And the truths I believe in
I fight because of life and death
As one person breathes
Another ones leaves.
Because the struggle is real
Working to stay positive
No matter how I feel
I feel the ground beneath my feet
Left
Right
Left
I meet my soul
in the boxed and shadow of love
Fighting to live
I fight for the ones who can't
For the ones we've lost
For the ones who stand
Against the danger of the living day
Some people are fighting to get out of prison
Certain people are going through pain
Trying hard to remain the same
We all go through something
Once in a while
But we fight to keep a smile
I fight for my family
And the truths I believe in
I fight because of life and death
As one person breathes
Another ones leaves.
Letting Go (For Marvin) (January 28, 2016)
In between pressed pages
Of bitter sheets
Shimmers a flower
I once pressed
Today a brother (Marvin) said to me
I am blessed by my pain
Inside I'm shy
But I am destined
To share rhymes because we
Poets reflect the Divine
And even though none of we
Are perfect by design
We shine with brilliant light
Every time we bless the mic
Wisdom is gained
In every fallen tear
Years of pain
Can wear a soul down
Or it can allow
New pathways
For the waters of Life to flow
Sewing seeds for tomorrow
our Sorrow reminds us
What is worth fighting for
And what we must let go
Of bitter sheets
Shimmers a flower
I once pressed
Today a brother (Marvin) said to me
I am blessed by my pain
Inside I'm shy
But I am destined
To share rhymes because we
Poets reflect the Divine
And even though none of we
Are perfect by design
We shine with brilliant light
Every time we bless the mic
Wisdom is gained
In every fallen tear
Years of pain
Can wear a soul down
Or it can allow
New pathways
For the waters of Life to flow
Sewing seeds for tomorrow
our Sorrow reminds us
What is worth fighting for
And what we must let go
It is Well (January 28, 2016)
I lift my head up to the light
The skylight drips
Ancient resin beads of sunshine
Raining down on me
I am in the presence of
The divine
Mind over matter
And I recall
As many times
As my soul has shattered
I have come back together
Stronger than I ever was
Before
Doors close, yes
But the windows of heaven open
Showing me the way
I have learned to say
It is well
It is well
With my soul
Self control is an issue in my life
Wise words spoken
open my heart as
Christ consciousness begins
to Resonate within
But deep in my chest
I know
The sins that weigh me down
My crown sits kind of heavy
And I modify my bearings
My greatest desire is
To be the best I can be
In this life
I rise to meet the Great Creator
As the Native blood in me would say
These things that cause me sway
Can be either obstacles
Or stepping stones
I sleep alone most nights
Not because I have to
But because I know it's right
And no matter how many times
I fail
I will not give up the fight
Wise words are spoken
opening me up
To Christ consciousness within
In the sea of life I swim
one day I know
I shall reach the golden shore
It is well
It is well
With my soul
The skylight drips
Ancient resin beads of sunshine
Raining down on me
I am in the presence of
The divine
Mind over matter
And I recall
As many times
As my soul has shattered
I have come back together
Stronger than I ever was
Before
Doors close, yes
But the windows of heaven open
Showing me the way
I have learned to say
It is well
It is well
With my soul
Self control is an issue in my life
Wise words spoken
open my heart as
Christ consciousness begins
to Resonate within
But deep in my chest
I know
The sins that weigh me down
My crown sits kind of heavy
And I modify my bearings
My greatest desire is
To be the best I can be
In this life
I rise to meet the Great Creator
As the Native blood in me would say
These things that cause me sway
Can be either obstacles
Or stepping stones
I sleep alone most nights
Not because I have to
But because I know it's right
And no matter how many times
I fail
I will not give up the fight
Wise words are spoken
opening me up
To Christ consciousness within
In the sea of life I swim
one day I know
I shall reach the golden shore
It is well
It is well
With my soul
Feast of Lupercalia
For all of you who wished me a "Happy Valentine's Day" only to receive some quippy political answer, I apologize (only if I offended you). The truth is "Valentine's Day" is just another parasitic capitalistically driven stolen holiday that America celebrates to make money and solidify control. For the Roman driven Western Christian world captured and slaughtered many peoples as the West was "Won". If you choose to celebrate "Valentine's Day" that is up to you, however all of you who know me well know I must speak the truth.
Love should be offered to your significant other, your life partner, your husband or wife three sixty five. Let's keep it one hundred/one hundred. I don't believe in fifty-fifty.
America has devised a plan. Keep the one percent happy! For all of you who believe yourselves to be anti-establishment, ask yourself, what do you really know about the history of the holiday (holy day) you are celebrating.
The power is in the people. We continue to feed the machine, and the machine is strong. Consider your history. Consider the back story. And if you still decide to celebrate "Valentine's day" I will wish you a happy "Valentine's day". However, please if you know me and love me remember, I DO NOT CELEBRATE money making holidays in a system that is designed to keep the oppressed oppressed and keep the one percent fed.
I love you all. Each and every day.
I love my life.
Love should be offered to your significant other, your life partner, your husband or wife three sixty five. Let's keep it one hundred/one hundred. I don't believe in fifty-fifty.
America has devised a plan. Keep the one percent happy! For all of you who believe yourselves to be anti-establishment, ask yourself, what do you really know about the history of the holiday (holy day) you are celebrating.
The power is in the people. We continue to feed the machine, and the machine is strong. Consider your history. Consider the back story. And if you still decide to celebrate "Valentine's day" I will wish you a happy "Valentine's day". However, please if you know me and love me remember, I DO NOT CELEBRATE money making holidays in a system that is designed to keep the oppressed oppressed and keep the one percent fed.
I love you all. Each and every day.
I love my life.
Friday, February 5, 2016
Do No Harm
In any relationship, whether your best friend, your lover, your sister or your mother, there are going to be plenty of moments where what one half of the union needs is the complete opposite of what the other half would benefit from.
A person I love very much has never had an easy time facing the pain they cause in others. This person is one of the hardest working people I have ever known. They are spontaneous, fun, and amazing with surprises. Adventure should be their middle name and life with them is never boring. You can talk to them about any subject. Their curiosity and intelligence will accommodate stimulating conversation most of the time. But try to bring up a way you have felt pain by them and it is change the subject, laugh it off and at best better brush it under the heaviest rug on the planet.
This person told me to let go of the past. I guess some of the healing that could have come over the years has been stunted because they never owned up to their portion of what went wrong. Never said, "I'm sorry". Never claimed responsibility for my broken heart. Exasperated this evening they said to me, "I hurt you!?"
I was stunned. Tears in my eyes, I brushed it all back underneath the surface and told the sleeping beast now wide awake to return to its slumber.
It isn't easy when one person's pain is healed in one manner while the person they hurt needs the exact opposite to find healing. And I guess this is when I have to put on my big girl panties, and give it over to the Divine. I guess it is time to lift it to the light and let it go. Truth is, this person loves me and took care of me and has held me close for many years. It just would have been nice had they been able to validate the silent pain I held on to for so long.
Since they are not able, and I adore all that is right in this soul...I must now lift it up and let it go...May my pain blow away on this Winter wind. May I shed my last tears from the pain I held within. May I relinquish my grief to the Great Spirit who truly knows me. May I weep no more. May I hold on to the love. May I hold on to the laughter. May I hold on to every good thing our love ever created. I anticipate greatness. I lift myself up to the light. I will become the best of me. Holding on to yesterday's pain will get me nowhere.
Rivers run deep. Dark caverns know. The light is replete with sorrows let go. I love my life and every twist it takes. I shake off my sorrow. From slumber awake. It is well. It is well with my soul.
A person I love very much has never had an easy time facing the pain they cause in others. This person is one of the hardest working people I have ever known. They are spontaneous, fun, and amazing with surprises. Adventure should be their middle name and life with them is never boring. You can talk to them about any subject. Their curiosity and intelligence will accommodate stimulating conversation most of the time. But try to bring up a way you have felt pain by them and it is change the subject, laugh it off and at best better brush it under the heaviest rug on the planet.
This person told me to let go of the past. I guess some of the healing that could have come over the years has been stunted because they never owned up to their portion of what went wrong. Never said, "I'm sorry". Never claimed responsibility for my broken heart. Exasperated this evening they said to me, "I hurt you!?"
I was stunned. Tears in my eyes, I brushed it all back underneath the surface and told the sleeping beast now wide awake to return to its slumber.
It isn't easy when one person's pain is healed in one manner while the person they hurt needs the exact opposite to find healing. And I guess this is when I have to put on my big girl panties, and give it over to the Divine. I guess it is time to lift it to the light and let it go. Truth is, this person loves me and took care of me and has held me close for many years. It just would have been nice had they been able to validate the silent pain I held on to for so long.
Since they are not able, and I adore all that is right in this soul...I must now lift it up and let it go...May my pain blow away on this Winter wind. May I shed my last tears from the pain I held within. May I relinquish my grief to the Great Spirit who truly knows me. May I weep no more. May I hold on to the love. May I hold on to the laughter. May I hold on to every good thing our love ever created. I anticipate greatness. I lift myself up to the light. I will become the best of me. Holding on to yesterday's pain will get me nowhere.
Rivers run deep. Dark caverns know. The light is replete with sorrows let go. I love my life and every twist it takes. I shake off my sorrow. From slumber awake. It is well. It is well with my soul.
Wednesday, January 20, 2016
Manifesting Open Doors
I am happy to report that I have arrived safely in Rochester (as most of you already know) and am feeling adjusted and acclimated post transition. As I await the decision from the Peace Corps, I am filling my time catching up with loved ones, visiting Agape, catching up on a stack of books I longed to read during the four years of my Bachelor's Degree, Writing and organizing new thought, and involving myself in my community.
I am participating in a play, written by Grace Flores, "The Waiting Room" and feeling spiritually amazed at her talent for pulling currents out of the ether and putting them on paper. My first week and a half has certainly not been uneventful. I have had many spiritual revelations during this time and am cautiously walking forward in light and love with the intentions of manifesting the highest resolution my life is capable of.
Tomorrow I will be working with Sharon Turner and participating in a poetry workshop for Rochester Youth. I am excited and looking forward to this event. Agape is urging me in many amazing directions with the hopes that I do not return to waiting tables but instead answer my calling full time in a manner that will help pay the bills.
I am working with Judith Brink, of Prison Action Network, and my community here in the Roc to put together a networking event where those of us greatly concerned with reforming current prison system legislation can come together and amplify. I am really looking forward to manifesting this event.
I am asking those of you who have offered me constant love and support to pray with me that the Universe will manifest the doors I should walk through and show me the way. I love waiting tables. I am good at it and it paid my bills for many years. However, I would much rather spend my time working in my community, speaking my truth, sharing my music and helping build a brighter tomorrow. That being said, if anyone in the Rochester community needs my energy and talent, please let me know. I have done a lot of keynote speaking and charity events where I perform my poetry and/or my music. I am ready, willing and able.
I believe in the power of my destiny. I know that my path is opening in front of me. I believe I will look back on this six months and be amazed at how much I was able to accomplish; amazed by how many good things came my way. That is not to say it will be without challenges and obstacles meant for me to overcome. Stronger I am daily. This is my beautiful life. Thank you for sharing it with me.
~RAin Christi.
I am participating in a play, written by Grace Flores, "The Waiting Room" and feeling spiritually amazed at her talent for pulling currents out of the ether and putting them on paper. My first week and a half has certainly not been uneventful. I have had many spiritual revelations during this time and am cautiously walking forward in light and love with the intentions of manifesting the highest resolution my life is capable of.
Tomorrow I will be working with Sharon Turner and participating in a poetry workshop for Rochester Youth. I am excited and looking forward to this event. Agape is urging me in many amazing directions with the hopes that I do not return to waiting tables but instead answer my calling full time in a manner that will help pay the bills.
I am working with Judith Brink, of Prison Action Network, and my community here in the Roc to put together a networking event where those of us greatly concerned with reforming current prison system legislation can come together and amplify. I am really looking forward to manifesting this event.
I am asking those of you who have offered me constant love and support to pray with me that the Universe will manifest the doors I should walk through and show me the way. I love waiting tables. I am good at it and it paid my bills for many years. However, I would much rather spend my time working in my community, speaking my truth, sharing my music and helping build a brighter tomorrow. That being said, if anyone in the Rochester community needs my energy and talent, please let me know. I have done a lot of keynote speaking and charity events where I perform my poetry and/or my music. I am ready, willing and able.
I believe in the power of my destiny. I know that my path is opening in front of me. I believe I will look back on this six months and be amazed at how much I was able to accomplish; amazed by how many good things came my way. That is not to say it will be without challenges and obstacles meant for me to overcome. Stronger I am daily. This is my beautiful life. Thank you for sharing it with me.
~RAin Christi.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)