First, I would like to take the time to thank everyone who has offered me support. It has come from even the most surprising of sources. I am profoundly blessed to have so many good people lifting me up right now.
So many of you have been following my abstract posts and poetic phrases via social media. So many of you have reached out and asked if I am okay. So many of you have received vague answers and for that I must apologize but stick to my stance. I have grown in the last four years of living alone in my own space with my own conditions. I have realized that sometimes my "open book persona" really adds fuel to the wrong fire. I have always been wide open on the mic, offering the best and worst of my soul and as I received catharsis, my audience received my life story. Things have changed. There are things I now realize are more sacred silent.
That being said, I am going to offer explanation to the depth that I am willing to share. There is much going on underneath the surface of me ever since my return to Rochester. I am only asking that you all allow me my privacy and continue to send me love & light as I make some of the toughest decisions of my life.
Here I sit, in the same basement that caught me in 2010/11 when my whole life literally fell apart. I mean, I usually only give people five of the eighteen things that happened to me during that time (figurative numbers) but let me recount what led me to this place. Paul and I were breaking up as we lost the house on Dix Street we were trying to remodel and sell. My dog ran away: twice, and the second time I did not get her back! My grandparents died within months of one another. Paul's mother died about the same time. My ex-fiancée/childhood sweetheart passed away in a tragic car accident with his nine year old son, Nathan. My ex-husbands parents passed away and I was not welcome to the funeral. My entire music collection was wiped out due to a misunderstanding of how technology worked. Some of that music I will never be able to retrieve. I could keep going, but I am pretty certain you get the point.
Vickie and Erik were kind enough to allow me to move in to their finished basement and call it home till I was able to make my next move. I released my first album at this time, "After the Rain". It was quite poignant because the title track, After the Rain, was dedicated to Stephen Carl Thompson, my childhood sweetheart who passed away. I wrote the song to him when I was fifteen, and the timing was penetrating and viciously painful. My grandmother, perhaps my greatest fan, was said to listen to the album on repeat until her death at the young age of 69. In the middle of all this swirling crisis, I heard loud and clear to return to the Tampa area (to my family) and return to school. Toward the end of 2011, I did just that. I stayed with my sister Cassi and her husband and family for about a month and got my very first place on my own at the apartment complex my sister managed, Winding Lane.
After two years, I graduated with my Associates Degree from Saint Petersburg College in Clearwater, Florida. My last semester I had moved into a cute two bedroom house in Gulfport, Florida. I enrolled at the University of South Florida, St. Pete, and began work on my Bachelor's degree. December 2015 saw me graduate Cum Laude with a Degree in Psychology, Honors College. My thesis made waves across the campus and my professors were happy to see me graduate, but sad to see me leave. I sold what I could and gave away what I could not, and packed up my truck on New Year's Eve to return to the Great White North. The Peace Corps was calling, and no one doubted that I would be accepted.
The plan was to return to Rochester, catch up with good friends and await my assignment to South Africa with the Peace Corps. Everyone was certain the Peace Corps was going to accept me. I was a strong candidate. There was however this nagging feeling in my chest, and they did not accept me. They said I was a strong candidate and to apply for other positions. But I believe that it was a sign this was simply not for me. So, here I am in the same basement figuring my life out all over again. Here I am in the same city with the same stories I had when I left. Here I am realizing that there is a destined path and it is going to take some work to figure out the next move.
I was recently accepted into the Doctoral Program of my choice at Pacifica. There were some factors I did not understand correctly. The program meets only once per month for three days. We have a place to stay for those three days but not the rest of the month. Rent in Santa Barbara is quite high, so now I am faced with another grand decision. Do I stay in the Roc and fly out once per month for classes or do I move as close as I can to campus at a reasonable rate and live in California while I attain my degree?
Rochester and I have a long and sordid history. I have so many people here to which I am inextricably connected. That kind of depth in a city may make it hard to attain a doctorate while residing here in the Rochester. However, that kind of depth can make it the exactly right place to begin my work. So, I am currently considering my options. I know the right answer will certainly come to me, but please be patient as I wade these tumultuous waters and try to understand what is meant to be seen.
I have no bed. No piano. No anything. Heck, I even gave up half my shoe game. Everything has changed. But somehow in this basement, I wonder am I really different than I was when I left it, or am I just the same? It's been really deep for me, and I don't expect anyone to have magical answers. I do appreciate all the love and support. I know me. I will find the way. This is just the most major transition I have ever known.
That is one of the several things going on, and even though I cannot share the rest, I hope you all will understand that I will find the way, I will be okay, and I have tons of faith in the power of my destiny! Please continue to lift me up to the light, to send me love and energy, to know I will be all right, and together, we can make the difference we wish to become.
~Lady RAin
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