Infinity!

It has been an incredibly long day. For those of you that do not know I work in a restaurant. One of my besties, Tommy King wore a pedometer on a double once and walked about 21 miles. He never walked nearly as much as I do. We hustle. We lift, walk, bend, lift, think, speak, remember all day long. I love the activity. I love connecting with people. I love remembering. I love the physical ache at the end of a long day. I love making people happy.

I often close the house which means I check the other servers out and make sure everything is ready for the morning. As I was signing one of my co-workers this evening, I made my signature loop that I have on each of my pieces of art, and every managerial document I have ever had to sign, the backs of my checks, etc. My signature. She said, "you know that is the symbol for Infinity Love". I sunk hard into the dark black earth. I miss him so much.

I have never gone this long without hearing from Infinity Won. I don't know where he is. I need to hear his voice. I miss him.

For years on end I was engaged by one long term relationship after another. I just spent three years laying next to a man who is deep and intelligent but just doesn't know how to engage others with that beautiful depth. There were nights I lay next to him in silence, feeling the vibration between us. Knowing how much he cared for me. Knowing I would never get to hold him the way I know only I could.

I love love. I enjoy lust. I love taking care of someone. I enjoy the intricate details of pleasure. I love when someone knows you and can do a little thing to make you laugh, make you smile, make you suck in your breath with butterflies in your stomach. I love touch. I love truth. I love stories that never end for days. Long walks and persuasion. I love trust. The truth is that I have held more love in the palms of this soul than any woman should be allowed to. I am honored by the universe. I miss Brandon. He is the last one that I made LOVE to. Love changes everything. With Agape behind bars, my parameters have had to be augmented to suit the need of my present condition. I must admit at times it is much less than easy.

I love dining, breaking bread and sharing stories. I love kisses. Spiritual conversation. I love sensation, teasing and foreplay. I love long walks and honest gazes. I love praises that have backbone. I love the ringtone of someone you have been waiting to talk to all day. I love faith.

But after three pregnancies that I tried hard to protect against, and several unwanted sexual complications, sensation comes with limitations. I am invested in this life. But that does not change the fact that I also have physical desires. The emotional need to be held. The desire to meld with someone. I miss Brandon.

I will never forget one particular night (there were so many that amazed me!) that I got out of the shower and sat on the edge of our blow-up air mattress bed and wept. I mean, that kind of soul weep, can't stop for fear of still breathing, don't know how I am ever going to survive this chapter of my life, weep. He sat behind me his chest against my back, his legs around my legs, his head against my shoulder, his arms around my body, and held me. He held me. He held me. He held me.

Mister three years of silent depth never really put his arms around me. I am not dishonoring him for he is an amazing and beautiful soul that just has not yet found his freedom, but I needed it. I longed for him.

The truth is that not many in this life can mirror your own soul quite the way you like. I remember another night where Brandon and I were dancing and we were like complete mirror images of one another. We were incredible.

In every union there are things that are perfect, things that don't quite make sense, and things that really irk you. Nature of the beast. But now I sit and I wonder what to do with myself. Where to go at the next turn. Feeling the power of this new moon and knowing that this chapter is going to knock me to my knees, knock my socks off, leaving me begging please and wondering how I ever missed this open door. So much is in store right around the corner for me. I just know.

So Brandon Margrueal Correa. Please let me know where you are. I miss you terribly. I cannot bear this life without you. Please come home.