Holy Days

I have no idea what to say or how to say it. I don't know what is about to come out on this page, but I have to try. The truth is I am compelled to write. I often feel like a vessel. Like my poetry and melodies come from the Divine and I am simply a messenger. An oracle.

Today much of the world celebrated an Americanized, Christianized, Capitalistic holiday with roots in many cultures from many different periods of time. Everyone who celebrated today has different value they placed upon this sacred day. For those of us who do not celebrate, we have reasons. Many of us have backed up our reasons with solid knowledge, with history stolen, with anti-materialistic sentiment. Whatever the case may be, for me, today was about family. For me, today was about love.

To me, the best definition of a Holy Day would be a day spent in sacred fashion. Sacred to me would mean living life to the fullest. I don't mean in gratification of the flesh but in fulfillment of the spirit. I believe we all have a highest self that we have the potential of attaining in this life. We all have things we excel at and we all have the vices that keep us from realizing our potential faster. As we approach this new year, many thoughts have begun to form in my mind.

When I told Tommy my intentions for 2015, he said he would bet me $500 that I could not go an entire year without having sex. The truth is sex has become tired. Most men think about sex more often than us and can turn almost any conversation into a sexual one. I am not really down for that. I am certain a lot of it has to do with how I was raised but I think there are so many subjects I'd rather we all spend time talking about. I don't like that I can start having a conversation with a man in complete innocence and say something completely unrelated and somehow innuendos begin to fly. Don't get me wrong. Sex with the right person is amazing. I love sex. I just don't love all the things that have become attached to it. Most men are selfish in bed and I cannot tell you how many of my partners (some that really loved me deeply) never worried about my orgasms or my pleasure. I cannot tell you how common it is today to be fucked but not kissed. I'd rather simply be held than that brand of sex.

Disease. Unwanted pregnancies. Non-supportive fathers. Rape. Cold, calculated distance. No kisses. Dirty secrets. No one knows you love me. I am not yours but the Divine forbid I belong to anyone else. Three years laying next to someone in the loudest silence I have ever known. I love him. I have made many mistakes in the lanes of lust, and I have accomplished much in the house of love. It is time that I prove to myself that I am able to place my vices in submission. It is time I showed the world how very much I love myself. It is time I remind the Divine how very committed I am to this mission. My life is a sacred journey. I want to make the most of it.

I have loved and been loved in so many beautiful ways. I have the most incredible people in my inner circle. I could not ask for a better crew. But maybe Tommy is right. I have held so much powerful love in the palms of these two hands. But where is my husband? Where is the father of my child? Where is my comrade in arms? Where is my solider for the cause? Where is my best friend? Where is my knight in shining armor? Where is my forever love?

I don't regret any love I have every known. Each lover was a sacred flame that taught me how to be a more brilliant fire. Each love is contained in a chamber of this giant Pisces heart. Each love lasted for the season it was meant for in my life.

What do I want from love? I want family. I want commitment. I want honesty. I want perseverance. I want a partner to travel this road with me. I want children. I want a strong chest I can cry on when the road is hard. I want someone just as committed to working hard and giving all he is made of as I am. I want forever love.

Becoming pregnant is a sacred act. Therefore, whoever I choose to have sex with would have to be capable of being a father to a child created. Disease is a reality that is an ever present danger. I must truly trust the person that I allow to lay next to me. So the rules are changing.

I know this is the hardest challenge I have ever set for myself. I know for certain that the finest men I have ever known will walk straight up to me in my most tempting hour. I know there will be nights when I come way too close to failure. But I have to do this.

I miss love. I miss being held. I miss trust. I miss waking up next to someone that loves me utterly and completely. I want eye contact. Hand holding. I want kissing. Kissing. Kissing. I want someone who shares my dreams, my goals and my most sacred of beliefs. I want a loving and passionate father to help me make well rounded children.

There are many sacred kings in my life. There are a few I have certainly considered marriage with. Agape Towns has proven his love to me. We have similar values, goals and determination. There are many obvious questions on the table and questions that only our souls need speak. What is meant to be will surely be.

It is my Senior year of my bachelor's degree. I need all this extra energy. This intensified focus to really shine as I weave my way forward into my Master's and my Doctorate. I need courage and peace and strength as I march into the Peace Corps or whatever door opens for me to travel the globe. I need to take all my extra energy and channel it into my life purpose. No distractions.

Today, I arrived at my family celebration with no makeup, very little hair product and no polish on my toes. I felt more content with myself than I have in a very long time. Each love attempts to augment the reflection of their counterpart to mirror things they are or things they need to receive. Every move or adventure, new group of friends or different city brings out slightly different parts of our character. Every stage and every microphone demands that we entertain the audience. Tommy said, "Just be you". Tommy also said I am always searching. He has been right on more than one occasion.

Truth is, I have things I need to do. Truth is, the greatest challenge and largest distraction in my life has been containing the lust that fuels my veins and feels so good. The truth is I have lived through a lot, I have overcome much and made many errors in judgment. I have loved and left. I have moved and learned. I have danced and laughed. I have grown and fallen down on my face. I must know that I am the woman you all believe me to be. I must see the reflection of the Divine in me.

I have waited this long to have a child because I want a father and a mother and a baby who grow in love and strength and harmony together. I want balance. I want truth. I want justice for all. I want freedom. I want life to be lived to its fullest. I want all that is meant for me. I want to inspire the world around me to get up and take life by the horns and know that it was good.

This road has been mine to tread since I was eleven years old and aware of my sexual nature. I have made much progress every day of my life. In Rochester, I remember reigning in and talking to Asia about re-channeling my energy from my solar plexus to my throat chakra. My voice has grown so much because of it. I cannot wait to see where this year takes me.

I know that the end of this year does not mean that my soul-mate will magically be standing next to me. I know there will remain many unanswered questions. I also know that I will be stronger, wiser, and more fit for the challenge that has been asked of me.

I want to commit myself to my highest self. I want to see my life truly shine. I want to be all I can be in this life.

I will purify myself and ready myself for my groom. For my child(ren). At thirty six I am considered by the medical world (at large) to be a high risk pregnancy. This year, I will eat a vegetarian life, consume no alcohol, and abstain from sex. I will pour myself into my school work, into my ministry, into developing my digital presence, into practicing for albums three and four, into stage productions and writing. Into my family. Into loving myself in a balanced and harmonious state. Into yoga and riding my bike and becoming fit once again. The best chances I have at successfully bearing and raising a child is to be the most fit and balanced version of me there is. This is my goal for 2015.

I have one year before I apply for Master's Programs. I have one year to complete my Bachelor's. I have one year to make my curriculum vitae really shine. I have one year to become ready to be the best mother I know how to be.

Maybe my mom is right and I am not going to end up with a family this lifetime. Maybe she is right when her instinct says that my calling is not an easy one and I could give of myself most effectively if I was a free agent (so to speak). Regardless of what the outcome is, I know this year will heighten my spiritual senses, it will harness my chi and my chakra energies. It will show me how strong I can truly be. It will send many temptations. It will challenge me utterly. But hey If I am the one for someone right now, I will be the one a year from now too. Asia doesn't think I have met him yet. I don't really know what to think any more. I am no longer searching. I am spending a year sacred unto my own soul.

I love and am loved by so many brilliant souls. I will need all of you to surround me with love and support, prayers and meditations to help me raise my vibration enough to accomplish this feat. I am aware that I am not the only person on Earth that has gone one year without having sex. I also know that those of you who know me best are aware of how strong the fire of lust within me rages. More than anything I thirst for connection, for companionship, for spiritual fire, for exponential growth. More than anything I thirst for love.

Walk with me. See what we might see.

Best Me in 2015!