2015

As the wind whipped wicked over the Howard Franklin Bridge, the tears washed down my face just like the rain was soaking the world around me. My father fed me, fueled me, fired me up with the rekindled purposed in the torch he passed to me tonight. I have been largely misunderstood my entire life. Nicknames were bestowed upon me as a child, Spaz, among others. I was different. We are taught that different is wrong. Whether it is a black man in a white neighborhood, a white piano player in a Black Baptist Church (that was me, true story), a man that loves a man but happens to play on the football team, a Catholic in Muslim territory...the list goes on. I have faults and strengths just like anyone, but I have gifts and thoughts that keep me segregated from the general population. I am loved by many. I am hated or feared by a few, but this is something I am used to. The tremendous blessing that has been offered to me since my return to the South has been the close relationship I have forged with both my father and my mother. I was considered the black sheep of the family for quite some time. My spiritual views and my sexual choices were considered from a distance, and I was held at arm's length for a time. The truth is that I have "studied to show myself approved". I have listened and learned from every facet of my existence. Tommy says I have not yet tasted "true love" and I assure you as I assured him, every love I have ever held only added to the wealth of my existence. If that is not TRUE than nothing I know will ever be. We have this fairy tale image of life in America. White people are rich. Heterosexual is normal. Men are stronger. True love lasts forever. The truth is life is lived from your perspective. We can walk together many a mile and still not understand one another or agree on our individual foundations. We may argue, we may love, we may break bread, we may hug, we may disagree, we may rub each other wrong, but at the end of the day, the soul inside each of our chests answers to the Divine Life Force within us in our own words, and our own timing, upon our own terms.

Life is asking a lot of me right now. This is perhaps the most major crossroads I have ever arrived at. I am embarking on a path that will take me to a whole new level of my existence, a whole new level of my commitment to the Divine, to myself, to those of you that love me so dearly.

I could not be me without my Father, My Mother, every lover I have ever held, ever friend that I have had, still have or have yet to find. I could not be me without every book I have ever read, every movie I have ever entertained, every melodic composition of music that has found space inside my brain. Every conversation held, every sleep taken, every adventure completed. I am me because of all that surrounds me, all that is inside me, all that inspires me to keep moving on.

Love is not a battlefield. It is not composed of ultimatums. It does not make demands nor demean its counterpart. It is not more important on one half of the equation. True love is 100/100. True love leaves both parties better people. True love causes a soul to fly free, experience life from a new perspective, and brings new strength, hope, and purpose to the Divine nature inside our human flesh. Love forgives. Love is eternal. Love is unconditional. Love is the higher frequency. Love is what we crave. Love is what our fingers search for in the absence of light. Love is the universal language. Love is Divine. Divine is Love. We are all we compose ourselves to be.

In the search for my highest self, I must face my demons. Those of you that know me best know already what I am referring to. Lust is the magnetism that connects bodies. Lust is the fire that fuels the flame. Lust is the passion that pulses us forward even when we know we should not move another inch. Lust is the pressure that presses against the base of our spine begging our Kundalini to rise. Lust is the chemical attraction that cannot be denied. Lust is eternal fire.

 In every relationship I have ever had (save one) I have given myself to others during the relationship. In most of my relationships I admit in the beginning that I will love them like no other. I also tell them that I am not monogamous. I am bisexual. I love flavor. I love encounters (sexual or not) that are encounters of the soul to soul kind. I love chemistry. I love connection. I love people. I love mystery and discovery.

I know the corridors of my soul well. I know what I believe. I have learned from all I see. I have loved with all I am. I have grown from all I have loved. I love my life!!!

Native Americans say it is a good day to die! I have done all that is in my power to do. I have erred and grown. Learned and flown. I have been the best of me and the worst of me.

I know that if I take this leap (and I know I am supposed to)...so many amazing black men will come my way with all the swagger and the sway the intelligence and spirituality...and the machismo that I need. I am afraid. I am ready.