Three years of living alone is right around the corner! It has been quite the journey. It began on New Year's Eve, my first alone, three years ago. Bottle of three dollar red wine (Lucky Duck Shiraz- not too shabby), and my music collection, and the action of putting my new apartment together. My sister and family really wanted to make sure I really wanted to be alone. I really did. I remember putting everything where I wanted it and realizing it was actually going to stay there!
There are obviously things I miss about family. I miss Paul and Anny every day. I miss love. Holding hands. Romance. Dinners and dreams shared. But, I really realized last night...I like this living alone thing!
I had a friend stay the night in my bed. The middle of the bed was apparently the only place his body longed to be. He slept restlessly and tossed every time I was sliding into sleep. I went to the couch. The fish tank was too loud. So, I came and did a couple hours of Spanish Lab homework online. Around three thirty I tried again. Around four, just about to drift off, his alarm woke me. I went back to sleep after he left. I was supposed to get up around six and overslept till just after seven! Yikes, I had to be on campus in less than thirty.
He felt bad of course. His dreams had kept him restless. Perhaps, I should have pushed him to the far side of the bed. It's been a while since I've shared my bed with anyone on any regular basis. I realized, I have arrived to a point in my life where not only do I know what I want and need in life, I am also willing to sacrifice what needs to be forsaken to make it happen.
My home is comfortable and decorated with much passion by someone (me) who has worked very hard to earn a living while living alone, attending university and working a full time job. It has been a very important three years of my life.
Yesterday, I hit a wall, not only because of the end of semester but because personal items of concern I am confronting right now.
Those of you that know me best, know that I face a daily challenge in the area of love in a very complex and challenging situation. This relationship has made me face parts of my self that I very much needed to bring to the surface.
I am not a chess piece. I honor the wealth and vibration of my own soul. I sleep in peace (most of the time...lol) at night. I am on a mission! I do not want to be labelled, qualified or organized into a pretty package by anyone. There have been many in my life who have offered to the wellspring of my existence. I am unorthodox. I am true to myself. I am just a girl doing her best to live an extraordinary life.
Sex, love, life, money, school, houses, bills, travel and all the things that a thirty six year old woman would be thinking about...well, I am still thinking about it, but from my own perspective.
This brand of love tattooed across my chest is truly no misnomer. I believe in Agape love with all of my being.
As a Psychology major we study culture, social dynamics and biodiversity factors in a ever augmenting structure of values and goals. Society is made up largely of people who are comfortable remaining in the standard deviation. Those few of us who are outliers relish in being complex characters with other avenues of success than the norms society offers us. There are leaders among every population, on every continent, from every decade. Be true to yourself. Don't be afraid to shine. Stand tall and follow the calling only your soul knows.
There is probably not one among us who can honestly say that what others think of them does not factor into their schema of who they believe themselves to be. Whether it is parents, siblings, best friends, lovers, media, peers, or the random glare of a judgmental stranger, we are all affected by the perception of others about who we appear to be.
I love thirty six! I am just about to stand up and claim my sovereignty. I am just about to rise and say, I am me. I love me. I am not ashamed of me. Please love me because I am beautiful just as I am. We all have room for growth and I intend to continue to grow daily, exponentially for the rest of my life.
There is still much to be accomplished in this end of semester leg of the journey. Adieu for now and more on this chapter closing later.
Thank you all for your continued love and support and faith in all the I am still to become. All that I am. All that we are: Together!
No comments:
Post a Comment