I hit a major crossroads in my life. I reached out to many of you last night and I am grateful to say that so many reached back. I am amazed daily by how many incredible people I truly have in my life. So many things converged in one space. One of my best friends said that he missed the one girl that got away and had been looking for her recently. He asked me if there was only one I was allowed to choose of all the amazing men and women I had ever loved, who would I choose? He told me he felt I had never experienced true love. Another of my inner circle, is in the middle of an emotional upheaval as his twenty year marriage is dissolving before his eyes. I have so many things I could say but will honor the sacred nature of the lives of my friends. A lot played in to this hand.
Agape and I have always been candid with one another. Our friendship was brilliant and stunning in every imaginable way. We fell in love in an awkward space just before incarceration. It has not been easy for either of us. Best case scenario he could come home after the next appeal. Worst case scenario, 2028 is a reality. I know what I want out of love. I know what I need. I know what I deserve. I waited to have children this long because I truly wanted a father that was my best friend, my confidant, my everything to bear and raise my children with me. I wanted a family that held each-other up, went through everything together. I want my children to be the best of their father and me. If Agape doesn't come home until 2028, then I have the option of not having children, adopting when he comes home, or marrying him while he is incarcerated and raising our children on my own.
Furthermore, I have the pleasure of changing the nature of what I will allow. If Agape is to be my husband then I am a taken woman. What that leaves me with are less than satisfying circumstances of encounters that I would not normally engage in because if I have my soul-mate then what is left is sex. I am no one's booty call. Never have been. Never will be. So, for the last three years I have been laying next to someone who has proven time and time again to have my back, be my friend, but we are not romantic, we are not really even lovers. I am tired of selling myself short. I am tired of placing my self on a shelf for later.
Agape and I have been through a tremendous amount together. He is intelligent, wise, spiritual, focused and so many things I would want in a man. We never got the opportunity to date as we only fell in love a couple short weeks before he was incarcerated. This has added so much to the complication of any already intense situation. I am weary. I am thirty six. I wish to have children.
I was holding my niece Aubrielle who was not feeling well the other night. I loved her baby breath, her baby smile, her baby scent. I am ready. I would make an amazing mother. I want a man beside me to raise my children. According to today's medicine, I am already a high risk pregnancy.
I am one year away from graduating with my Bachelor's Degree. Master's. Doctorate. Peace Corps. Music. Writing. Travel. So many questions. As much as I would love to be a mother, perhaps it is not in my best interest to do so. This is a hard thought.
So I asked myself, what do I want?
I want a best friend, a comrade in the struggle, I want someone who wants to travel this globe with me singing music, spitting poetry from every available microphone. I want a brother who is committed to doing all that is in his power to change the world around him. I want a dedicated lover, father, husband who is interested in loving me, growing with me and becoming the best of himself. I want someone who can love the free spirit that I am. I want someone who is willing to learn what I like best and knows that I love to return the favor. I want a man who is focused on his health, both physical and spiritual, who is driven, passionate, and ready for action. I want a man who is just alpha enough to guide me and our family but just sensitive enough to know when to let me guide the reigns. I need a brother who can match my intelligence, my passion, my drive, my focus and know how to have fun while accomplishing all we are about to in this life. I want someone who is willing to commit to me for life but cares not for the traditional burdens of this worlds version of marriage. I need someone ready to think on his feet, let me be me, while he is he and we can be that much more amazing together.
I have held so many beautiful loves in the palms of these two hands. But, I have learned that what I need comes to me. I have learned to call for and claim that which I deserve. I am ready for love. I am ready for life. I am ready for the birth of my babies. I want all of this. I have waited so long.
I am on the brink of making a very hard and challenging decision. I think that I should take a vow of abstinence for the year of 2015. I am tired of ordinary sex. I want to make love. I want to marry. I want to walk miles with the man of my dreams.
My mother seems to feel that perhaps, due to my destiny, I am not meant to have a husband or a family. I can see why she feels this way, but I pray it is not so. I could have a warrior husband and a warrior child. Either way, I could see where being set apart, and sacred could really sanctify me. I can see the empowerment this action would allow but I am afraid to say I will in the chances I let myself down.
I shall not fail!
I feel that if I wish to bear a child, I should also be physically immaculate, spiritually centered, emotionally balanced and mentally prepared. I am also considering other things like a year of being a vegetarian and working my physical being back into center balance. That way when he comes, whether Agape or someone I have not met yet, I will be ready. It is my Senior year and I could put all of my extra focus into my studies so I could graduate with fireworks and bells.
I am open to opinions, ideas, and support. This is a major life decision. This is a major crossroads.
Thank you all for your constant support.
~Rain.
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