Reminiscence Bump

White face
Painted with silence
Body sways with
The purpose of a story
Glory days have passed
But the body still remembers
September breezes elegant
Against October rain
Pain rises slowly
To the surface of the skin
Evaporation calling
All that hurt you home
Zones of isolation
Places that need facing
Racing thoughts take time
To program brighter days
Swaying to the music
That your soul surely knows
Glowing with the vibrance
The long journey home

Orienting Self

I missed the lizards
While I was in New York
Stark awareness registers
Things moving
Outside our point of view
Orienting registers
Movement beneath
Our feet
Allowing potential
For things
Never before possible

Finals!

So, these past few days have been tumultuous. A few people really close to my heart are moving away (one is already gone), I went through a major transition (I am not yet ready to discuss) and one of my friends is in a bind and needs a place to stay...(Which has an uncanny reflection against the major transition I am going through), I cannot find Brandon anywhere and I have been really trying to reach out to him. All of this said, we are in the middle of Finals Week and I have the two most grueling finals left to go. The possibility of straight A's is there, but it will take a miracle! Meanwhile, I have been stressing because a couple professors have yet to post grades that would really help me know where I stand.

Here comes the funny story! I am in class today and my Professor for Women's Mental Health asks me if I have the quiz that she handed us to look at which we were supposed to return. I know this because that is how she has done it throughout the semester. However, I was in no present state of mind (this was the class that I ended up sobbing in due to the nature of the discussion on rape) and I threw the quiz away upon exiting the class! Great. It is funny however that the whole time I was upset she had not yet posted the grade and the whole time the reason she hadn't posted yet was ME!

No matter how smart we are, no matter how well read, no matter how many details we understand there will always be more to discover.

So, as I am sitting there taking our final review of knowledge, I look up at the filing cabinet in front of me (I am sitting in an unusual location due to the testing going on) and all over the cabinet are infinity signs. As many of you know one of Brandon's aliases is Infinity Won. I know that so many of you tease me for my undying belief in signs and symbols but my symbology has yet to fail me. My path is woven of intricate details that connect to other intricate details and Wu Wei (Taoist principle of becoming like water to move fluidly through the universe) me along my daily path. This all weaves into a much deeper story but I must leave it surface level for now out of respect for a life so intricately woven into mine and yet not mine alone. Suffice it to say that I felt comforted as if Brandon is okay and soon I shall hear his voice.

I had a lovely conversation with my niece Kirstie as we were catching up with our stories...I was arriving at my house. There is this glorious sunflower growing between the sidewalk and the road in the middle of Florida Winter when all my plants on my porch have wilted and appear to have given up the ghost. There it is bright yellow against a gloomy cold and gray day (yes, my loving New Yorkers we DO have days like that in Florida!) and I had to take its picture and share it with the world.

Now, I must study for my last two Finals...I just wanted to share some of the details in this brain of mine.

Ciao~

Truth in Unison

I stand seductive
Precluded from your view
Listening to the way you breathe
Every time I look at you
Freedom builds her cages
Out of yesterdays beliefs
Every random conversation
Offers sweet relief
Our intersecting bodies
Nearly touch so many times
Sorry softly lingers
At the edge of the Divine
Sublime parcel packages
Subliminal are sent
And with every dollar bill
We save to pay the rent
Images of Yester-me
Build up and sometimes swell
And depths within dig so deep
I draw water from the well
Tears begin to overflow
Joy cannot be measured
This body given me certainly
Is a temple made to weather
Every storm I was born
To walk through

Rain

After the tidal wave of tears that swept over me today in class, Heather McKay, one of my cohorts wrote this for me:

Emotion
welling up
to eyelids
and
heart valves
a beat
rhythmically
leading
hands to
create
mold
play
love
Dance,
open palms
red cheeks
Dance.

Rising to the Surface

A few days ago in one of my psychology classes, a professor, uncomfortable made a flippant remark regarding rape, "What you guys don't want to talk about rape?" Between his flippant attitude and his body language, I ended up running out of the class and crying hysterically. I came to the conclusion that I was upset because I hadn't really registered how deeply it affected me some of the reactions that I got to the situation by those I love, the police, and people I was associated with.

The man I have been seeing for almost three years now, didn't know how to handle it. He made remarks about how he knew the guy (I can't imagine that from his perspective!). He made mention of how he had known us both about the same amount of time and didn't want to get involved as though it were some kind of disagreement!

A young woman at work (my workplace was unfortunately involved) made a comment "How does something like that even happen?!" I walk away stating, "I hope you never have to find out."

I had people ask me if I had provoked it, had others ask me if I wanted them to shoot him, the detective even tried to get me to re-enact it. The law sent were only males as if that made any sense at all!

We had been drinking that night. My friend that was there didn't remember the details correctly and gave the police misinformation. I don't hold it against her but it may have kept him from being locked up because our stories didn't exactly match.

There was interaction between this man and I. I invited him into my home. He kissed me at one point and I pushed him back gently. I told him he had gotten the wrong idea and after that he behaved until the rape unfortunately.

Looking back, I wish of course that I had never let him into my home. I wish I had made him go after the kiss. I wish a lot of things. However, I have dealt with the rape itself as much as one can. What I did NOT realize is I had compartmentalized the reaction of those around me during the aftermath.

In class today, we were doing our end of semester presentations. One chapter deals with rape. The presentation after my group got a little deep with the details and the man covering the chapter that deals with rape also did an annotation about the subject. He mentioned how often times women are accused of provoking it and how most people don't even come forward. Again, in retrospect, I can see why so many are silent!

I began shaking and crying hysterically in class. Seated in one of the farthest points from the door, in the middle of someone else's presentation I was forced to remain, sharing the depths of my soul with my classmates.

So many women offered support in that moment, and I have to admit it was incredibly cathartic. I called Paulie after class and realized that I had shut off so much of myself in the last year and a half not even realizing the way I had hidden it from my view. It is a lot to carry around.

As I was walking toward the library to write this out of me, I noticed the sparkles in the concrete. I have always been mesmerized by them. I realized I had become like this. My skin was concrete. Concrete with sparkles.

On my thirtieth birthday, my grandmother, Diane, gave me a set of perfume and sparkle powder by Mariah Carey. I had always given Rachael a very hard time about the glitter she left in her wake. I began wearing it any time I took the stage. My grandmother had always supported my music and to me, it was like having her with me on stage.

Since she passed away, I now wear it every day. It is my way of always having her with me.

Paul is the reason I got the steel down my spine. He is the reason I have the strength I have today. And well my grandmother is my sparkle. Concrete with sparkles. Women of strength.

Ann-I-Vers-ary

Three years of living alone is right around the corner! It has been quite the journey. It began on New Year's Eve, my first alone, three years ago. Bottle of three dollar red wine (Lucky Duck Shiraz- not too shabby), and my music collection, and the action of putting my new apartment together. My sister and family really wanted to make sure I really wanted to be alone. I really did. I remember putting everything where I wanted it and realizing it was actually going to stay there!

There are obviously things I miss about family. I miss Paul and Anny every day. I miss love. Holding hands. Romance. Dinners and dreams shared. But, I really realized last night...I like this living alone thing!

I had a friend stay the night in my bed. The middle of the bed was apparently the only place his body longed to be. He slept restlessly and tossed every time I was sliding into sleep. I went to the couch. The fish tank was too loud. So, I came and did a couple hours of Spanish Lab homework online. Around three thirty I tried again. Around four, just about to drift off, his alarm woke me. I went back to sleep after he left. I was supposed to get up around six and overslept till just after seven! Yikes, I had to be on campus in less than thirty.

He felt bad of course. His dreams had kept him restless. Perhaps, I should have pushed him to the far side of the bed. It's been a while since I've shared my bed with anyone on any regular basis. I realized, I have arrived to a point in my life where not only do I know what I want and need in life, I am also willing to sacrifice what needs to be forsaken to make it happen.

My home is comfortable and decorated with much passion by someone (me) who has worked very hard to earn a living while living alone, attending university and working a full time job. It has been a very important three years of my life.

Yesterday, I hit a wall, not only because of the end of semester but because personal items of concern I am confronting right now.

Those of you that know me best, know that I face a daily challenge in the area of love in a very complex and challenging situation. This relationship has made me face parts of my self that I very much needed to bring to the surface.

I am not a chess piece. I honor the wealth and vibration of my own soul. I sleep in peace (most of the time...lol) at night. I am on a mission! I do not want to be labelled, qualified or organized into a pretty package by anyone. There have been many in my life who have offered to the wellspring of my existence. I am unorthodox. I am true to myself. I am just a girl doing her best to live an extraordinary life.

Sex, love, life, money, school, houses, bills, travel and all the things that a thirty six year old woman would be thinking about...well, I am still thinking about it, but from my own perspective.

This brand of love tattooed across my chest is truly no misnomer. I believe in Agape love with all of my being.

As a Psychology major we study culture, social dynamics and biodiversity factors in a ever augmenting structure of values and goals. Society is made up largely of people who are comfortable remaining in the standard deviation. Those few of us who are outliers relish in being complex characters with other avenues of success than the norms society offers us. There are leaders among every population, on every continent, from every decade. Be true to yourself. Don't be afraid to shine. Stand tall and follow the calling only your soul knows.

There is probably not one among us who can honestly say that what others think of them does not factor into their schema of who they believe themselves to be. Whether it is parents, siblings, best friends, lovers, media, peers, or the random glare of a judgmental stranger, we are all affected by the perception of others about who we appear to be.

I love thirty six! I am just about to stand up and claim my sovereignty. I am just about to rise and say, I am me. I love me. I am not ashamed of me. Please love me because I am beautiful just as I am. We all have room for growth and I intend to continue to grow daily, exponentially for the rest of my life.

There is still much to be accomplished in this end of semester leg of the journey. Adieu for now and more on this chapter closing later.

Thank you all for your continued love and support and faith in all the I am still to become. All that I am. All that we are: Together!