My response.

Even among cohorts with similar backgrounds, parallel vocabularies, common visions, communication can often become a challenge. Sometimes, I feel the more knowledge we gain, the harder true communication may become. Life Malcolm recently told me that he would rather speak slowly and place the weight of each word correctly than mesmerize someone with the speed of his lyricism and be misunderstood. He really impressed upon me this goal of choosing my words as carefully as possible. I have been going through several situations that have made me face this same lesson. People are never going to see us the way we see ourselves but any leader or public figure must be cautious about their image. I have been thinking about what I appear to be to those around me. I hear feedback constantly since my destiny has placed me on stage, with a mic, in the public eye.

Our beliefs, our history, our experience, our temperament, our spiritual posture, our psychological state, our vocabulary, our culture, (and the list goes on) all factor in to how we perceive the world around us, how we interpret the diction of those we engage in conversation, how we digest the media, and how we impact those lives we come in contact with.

Many years ago I read and later re-read "The Celestine Prophecy" by James Redfield. It was a well-written book regarding synchronicity in life and paying attention to the messages we receive. It also spoke of things such as energy in conversation. Most of us know that a large portion of our population only are silent when waiting to speak. This is not to be confused with active listening. Energy in a conversation has transference. It shifts and flows with the spiritual energy of the conversation and the next person should feel their moment to speak. Each participant in a conversation (as reinforced by my studies in Psychology) should listen actively, present only pertinent information to the flow of the conversation and wait for their turn to speak. This action of active listening truly allows the connectivity between our souls to flourish causing all engaged by the conversation to walk way energized and fresh!

Although my thoughts may find a moment of fluid and eloquent delivery, what are the several people listening to my words making of my speech?

I tend to take up a lot of space. My inner circle is patient because they know my heart is pure in its approach. I have this exuberant passion for my life and have so many brilliant stories to share. I often end up feeling selfish when I haven't seen one of my soul-mates in a while and fill up the conversation with my voice. I am very sensitive to this aspect of my presence.

Lately, one of the souls closest to my own has been really lashing out at me. Most of you know I am pretty gentle until antagonized and am very volatile when provoked. I try to never speak words I will regret. I try to fill my speech with love focusing on the exponential potential of every being I converse with. From my perspective, we all have darkness and light within our souls. It works as a sort of alchemy. A yin-yang. An obstacle and overcome process. We all have the moment by moment decision to proceed in whichever direction we choose.

A lot of my recent experiences have led me to really challenge myself to my next level of communication. I am really focusing on those statistics we learned in Sociology. 55% of your communication is body language. 38% tone of voice. Only 7% is related to the actual words you are speaking. It is incredible to me as a lyricist and oracle that my words hold such a small percentage within the construct of communication. I am striving forward. I know that I have an intensity, a caustic edge, a sharp tongue, and condescending way about me at times. I am ever working on becoming more gentle, more loving, more careful with my tone and my posture.

I was told recently that I "was lost" that I "didn't know who I was without all my 'soulmates' to reflect in". I was told that I "was selfish". I was told I had a "bunch of lame friends". I was told that "all my past relationship were messed up situations". I was told many things I am trying to render considering the source.

I assure you I know who I am, where I am going and why I am here. I believe myself to be exactly where I am meant to be at this moment in time. I believe that I offer the best of myself in order to move forward in my path and honor the calling of my destiny. I do not believe myself to be perfect or more important than any one else. I do believe that I am and will continue to be a leader in this dawning of new thought, new culture that is rapidly growing in exponential waves across this globe. I am grateful for every relationship I have ever had, and though yes, I have made mistakes, I do not regret any love I have ever held in these two hands. I am a teacher, sure. Those of you that know me best also know that I am a student of the Universe first. I am constantly striving for the mark, pressing forward, encouraging myself and others to be the best we can be.

I am honored to be surrounded by some of the most amazing people in the world. I have so many souls dear to mine on this planet. Love is eternal. Lust is fleeting. The reason I am close with most of what others would call ex's is because I LOVE them. Each love I have ever fostered in this sacred breast has led me to the next stage of development in my spiritual existence. I could not be the woman I am without any of them. I know that is hard for current friends and loves to understand about me. I get that. I cannot apologize for who I am . I am proud of me. I am excited to see the woman I will become.

To all of you who are in my inner circle, I thank you. For allowing me the space to be me. For breathing new life and love into me every day. For supporting me in every way. For holding me against the pain. For showing me the courage to rise again like a Phoenix from the flame.

Yes, I tattooed this Agape across my chest for Agape Armageddon Towns. I wanted the world according to that courtroom to see where my loyalty stood. I wanted our Rochester Community to realize that no matter what one of us does, we were meant to stick together. Love in the Agape sense of the word can overcome all things. It is courageous and never dies! It loves someone "as is" while encouraging them to be the best version of themselves. The word has sunk deep into my breast-bone. It has sparked many conversations. It has become more than just his name. I love Agape with Agape love and that very love has become me. I grow into this tattoo a little more daily. The response of the general public (and the response of my inner circle) to this tattoo could be a remarkable social experiment. I should begin documentation and actually do intend to write a book (with Agape's collaboration) "The Letters Across my Chest". It has been significant.

Love is eternal. Love is kind. Love is not blind, but it does allow space for growth. Love has no human parameters. Love appears in many different formats: Brotherly love (Philos/Philadelphia). Maternal love. Paternal love. Lust (Eros). Agape (unconditional love).

I was recently told that I could keep my god(s) of mystery. I need to clarify. I don't believe in God in the sense of an almighty, all-powerful being in the sky watching over us in the Christian sense. I also do not offer anything other than respect for another person's belief system. I see "God" as an energy that runs through all living things. This life force has the power to create, destroy, love, hate, move, stagnate, and is far beyond our realm of complete comprehension. It is the wind in the trees and the trees itself. It is the Sun and the Moon. The Rivers and the Ocean. The birth of a child and the murder of a friend. I see "God" as the Great Mystery. By this I mean that I do not pretend to know everything. I believe I am a part of the Divine Essence along with every other living thing. I do not pretend to be God. I have respect for Mother Nature and the laws of physics. I strive to become more tapped into this source every day. I listen to the wind, I work on my flaws. I follow the course of my soul. You all know I love the principle of Taoism, Wu Wei. To become and flow like water. I am a Pisces and my name is Rain! In ancient and mystic Judaism, the Tanakh offers very clearly that a name for the Divine should not be offered or spoken. It was a communion only the individual soul could render. The idea was that our human comprehension was no match for the infinite realm of the eternal life source. The name was not meant to be uttered. The soul was meant to communicate in humble relativity to our part in this intricate play. To me that makes a lot of sense. Once you label the Force that runs within us all God, Allah, Yahweh or any other black and white name, it limits the perception of the unexplainable into the realm of our human definitions. I prefer to believe that while I learn more daily, there are aspects of this universe I will never understand.

I was accused of being an atheist recently, and it really shocked me. I feel that my daily diction offers evidence that I do believe we are all connected to not only a life source but to one another as well. I feel that as far as we have come on allowing others to express their beliefs, we still have a long way to go toward understanding one another. That is my grandest vision and within the four walls of Cadence House I will begin my center. I wish to allow all ethnicities, cultures, sexual preferences, belief systems, education and income levels to enter in order to harmonize with others seeking to reach their highest potential. This is my life's work.

Again, I thank you all for allowing me my soap box, for supporting my education, for standing beside me and striving to reach our highest self. March on. The road is long and the body tired, but the spirit is ever ready to press forward.

It is our time to rise.

~RAin.

Synchronicity!

My life constantly amazes me! I already shared what a strange yet beautiful day yesterday was. The man I have been sleeping beside for three years called me this morning and I always love especially when he calls me first thing in the morning. Due to my late arrival to my bed in the wee hours of this morning I emailed Molly to let her know I would not be attending lab today. After my beautiful companion called me, I started coffee and emailed her to let her know what the heck, I was up, and I would find my way to the lab by ten. That intriguing chocolate man called me back again and I was overjoyed to hear his voice for a second time this morning. As you all know, I swore off sex and alcohol and became vegetarian in order to focus clearly and make the large decisions I need to make by graduation. I expected a lot of people to be surprised, confused, curious about my current status. I especially was unsure how he would take it. Last night, he called and wanted my company. I didn't go. Temptation number two. I can't say it was easy, but I do recognize it is only the beginning of February. Tommy King swears I won't make it! More fuel for my flame. A lady I recently met didn't mean to offend me I am sure when she laughed and asked, "how is not having sex gonna help you spiritually?" We all know how sensitive I can be, and it definitely inflicted shock waves through my psyche. I tried to explain the power of the chakras, the redirection of energy, and the focus I felt I needed. Furthermore, I haven't gone without sex since I became sexually active at seventeen. Beyond that, I have always allowed sex to magnetize me to places and behaviors I would not normally allow. Finally, I am graduating in December, leaving the South (sorry, Mom Yippppeeeeeeee) and going overseas to serve the Peace Corps. It is the time for me to be sovereign. In the beginning of my living alone, I cried a lot. Called  Tommy. Kamahria. Kirstie. Misha. Paul (both of them). I was thinking this morning how far I really have come. It has only just begun.

Last night, as Tommy was laying on my living room carpet looking through videos of pressed fairies and talking to me in his passionate way, we began talking about December and how I would be leaving. My intention is to give to my family and friends what they want of my home and sell what is left. I will leave with only what is in my truck. I intend to drive slowly North stopping in Atlanta, Charleston, Charlotte, Raleigh, Burlington, on my way toward Rochester. I will stay and catch up with my godSun and his mother, my close friends and my city and then, I will head overseas to serve the Peace Corps before beginning my Doctoral Program in Depth Psychology at Pacifica Graduate Institute in Santa Barbara, California. I know December is still a good distance from now in some respects, yet in others it feels ever closer. I am excited!

I meet with my Director for the second time this afternoon as work on my thesis commences. I am so happy with my committee and with the new thought the onset of this work is stimulating.

This morning just after ten, I arrive to find the lab closed. At the same time, Dr. Wong (my professor for Global Conservation) had given up waiting for his class to arrive. It was supernatural timing. For those of you who don't know/remember, Dr. Wong taught a class that literally shattered all that my brain could hold, restructured my soul and sent me into the Summer an incredibly different woman. I could never repay him for the cataclysmic shock waves the knowledge he offered us in the manner he presented it really became. We had a chance to talk for the first time since his class. He asked me how my semester was going and I talked about my thesis and the video project. He completed his dissertation and officially became Doctor while teaching the class on Global Conservation. He is young and fresh, deep and spiritual, intelligent and eloquent, and he offered some advice on this next chapter of my life. The conversation was engaging and he offered his support on my thesis work and asked me to reach out and email him and include him in the narrative. I walked away full of spark.

I arrived upstairs once more to find the lab still locked. I checked my email to find Molly was ill and not coming in. She said she hoped I was not already on campus. I was amazed by the way all the interlocking pieces formed this perfect story line. I was going into my text to post on FaceBook "This synchronous existence!" only to find a text from Kamahria on synchronicity. Her moment was two friends telling her this world was her oyster within the same hour. I of course told her this named her Pearl.

I hope that all of you who read this post will keep your eyes open, listen to the wind, feel the vibration of the Earth beneath your feet, let the Sun warm your soul and realize that this life is a great mystery for those who allow it to be and it can surprise you and lift you up in the midst of the greatest turmoil.

I will never forget that moment after losing everything in Rochester and laying on my bed in Webster and asking why. Not a "fist raised to the sky in contempt" why, but a "please offer me guidance" why.

And look where that moment of clarity has led me. I believe I am exactly where I should be in this moment, and the most beautiful thing about that is realizing the journey ahead of me is going to be simply amazing.

#thisenchantedlife

~~*~~
RAin

What a long Strange Day it's been! (Jerry Garcia)

So today certainly has been a strange and beautiful day. It began with coffee with my friend Megan on USF campus. She and I exchanged gifts. She gave me this gorgeous bead-work bracelet from an Indian Reservation in Panama. It is brilliant. I absolutely love it. We sat down by the water and talked about our lives and realized that a lot of what we are going through is very similar. I think it was helpful for us both. Then, I arrived to find my eleven o'clock class had been cancelled which I was less than thrilled about. I turned in my assignment to the T.A. and decided that it was time to go over and talk to my doctor about what has been going on with my heart. I have been having palpitations, shortness of breath, sharp pain, dizzy spells, and it has really been concerning me. So, in I go. EKG taken to find there is a slight arrhythmia and the doctor would like to do some more tests since both my father and my mother have heart conditions. I won't find out till Tuesday the results. $100 and a couple hours later, I was off to eat a salad. My doctor said I need to ween myself off of caffeine which horrified me! I tried that once only to find myself with the most pounding headaches of a lifetime. Of course, that kind of made me feel like it was probably a good thing to stop using caffeine. With this year being about focusing on my return to center, and the fact that I have taken this step very seriously by swearing off alcohol, sex and became vegetarian...I feel this really falls in line. So, after the salad, I was off to get Live Lyfe '96 tattooed on my wrists in honor of Lyfe Coleman. In dedication to not allowing his life to be in vain. His murder has served as a catalyst to me and I am set on this course I have chosen. After that was a Spanish Exam which I don't feel I did very well on. I will bring my grade up by semester's end. I could probably use the help of a tutor or some of my Spanish speaking friends (Jenny Fair). Then, I arrived home to my Gobi, Shadow dead on my floor which is astounding all by itself. He is a bottom feeder and never made it above the halfway point of the tank while I was watching. There he lay dead two feet from the tank. I miss him already. I spent time working on my thesis which is daunting and titillating in one fell swoop. A visit from a friend. Some homework accomplished. Another friend on his way, and yes, THE SECOND TEMPTATION. I adore him, and three years later, I still long to lay next to him. He called me and asked me to please come over. I tried to explain why I couldn't. I think some part of him truly gets it, but the rest of him really just wants me to come over. I miss him so much. I love laying next to him. I sleep like an angel in his bed. I must prove this to myself. Tommy King reminded me tonight that he has absolutely no faith that I will make it to Graduation! Well, Tommy King, I won't accept the five hundred dollars when you lose, but I will rub it in your face for the rest of our lives. I WILL make it till December (as the old folds say, "Lord willing").

Manifest with me, strength for my physical and my emotional heart. I am moving forward, one painful and electric step at a time.

The First Temptation.

The first temptation came. It came loud and it came strong. I long to be against him. I long to sleep in his bed and smile as I watch him sleep a little while before I fall asleep myself. December is a long way from now. So many people have asked me why am I doing this. So many people believe I cannot complete the task. I must.

It moves me that he misses me. Three years beside him in the most complex connection I have ever been braided into. I miss him already. I am heading in a direction I cannot deny. It is time to spread my wings and fly.

Sex has gotten me into trouble more than several times. We all have vices, yes, but we all have the willpower at our disposal to control them. I love sex. I love the magnetism that begins the pull. I love the anticipation of the kiss. I love the accidental stroke of a hand. I love the red hot skin that pulses waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

I slept with Tanner's brother when I was a teenager. I was living with him! There are certain lines you are simply not supposed to cross in the intimacy game, and I just didn't know when to stop.

My ex-husband and I had a liberally open marriage. We set parameters for one another. Parameters that I did not honor. Parameters that I did not honor several times. I was always honest with him. I'm not really sure what good that served but he tried to honor me, to work through my infidelity and I tried to clean up my act. He forgave me multiple times.

Rachael.  That is all I can say. Those of you who know me well know exactly what that name means to me.

The night that I knew I had fallen in love with Agape, I swear that there was amber light in Venue that night connecting us from within and surrounding us all the same. I saw him in a way I never had before. We had sex one drunken time some months before that night. The next morning he called and said, "Rain, we have some things to discuss. Don't ya think?" I said, "Yeah, it looks like you're in love with me." And he replied, "It looks like your heart is responding. Can I take you out to breakfast?"

We went to Mr. Kim's on Goodman, my favorite breakfast place in the Roc.

We talked. We decided that morning to date and see where it went. I had never viewed him as more than my homie, a close friend, someone I could talk to about anything. We left and he asked if he could make love to me. I couldn't. I had BV from my prior relationship. It goes away with antibiotics, but it was because of that Agape and I still haven't made love till this day. I had no idea that morning that he would be incarcerated just a few short days later. What I would give to have that morning back!

After Paul and I broke up, I slept with a few really amazing men! I was getting out of control. I was excusing myself by using the pain of breaking up with Paul, losing Anny, my house, my dog and all the other people and things I lost at the time in my life. I knew I had to get control of my temple.

I came down here and spent New Year's Eve alone in my new apartment 2011/2012. Since then I have lived alone. I have done much better but I have been no where near the ideal I would set for myself. I have spent most of my time with one man for three years now. However, since we did not set any certain stipulations for each other, I definitely indulged on occasion. One particular time, I ended up with Trich. Let me tell you, NO FUN! Five bouts with antibiotics, complete abstinence for a few months and so much physical discomfort I would never wish it on anyone.

I don't think there is anything wrong with having sex. I don't think it has to only happen in a committed loving relationship either. I think adults should set standards and follow them. I feel people engaged in sexual activity should be honest with one another and be careful with each other's bodies for the sake of pregnancy and disease.

I think any good thing out of balance is a good thing out of balance. You dig?

I really want to know that I have my body in check. I want to know that I am strong enough to put me first. I want to know that I have my head clear and I can make all the important decisions wisely this year as I gear up for graduation.

No one said this would be easy. He came back at me a few times tonight. I crave him! There is a deep river of lust and sensuality between us. There is a lot more that we may never have the chance to tap into. I must do this thing!

24 days. Over 300 to go. Please pray with me. Send me energy. May I realize my potential. May I call on my strength. May I be all that I set out to be in this life. May I fulfill my destiny.

Amen.

~~*~~

RAin.

My Cross Cultural Psychology Autobiography Photo Project!

Honor Thesis Broad Abstract

Rain Christi

Honor Thesis Abstract

What “Racism” Means in 2015?

Since the Civil Rights Movement, we would like to believe we have made large amounts of progress when it came to ethnic inequality in this country. Some believe we have and others would say we may have even travelled backward. With the ability to record and share information in this digital age, many stories of violence against Blacks in our communities all across the United States have come to the forefront in the last couple years. Ferguson especially has made its way to our headlines mostly due to the reaction of that town and the media coverage their story received. Meet Lennon Lee Lacy a seventeen year old football star recently believed to have been murdered in a small town in North Carolina. The story is being released to the public as most likely being suicide; however, the story told from the perspective of the family is quite different. The KKK is still present in many states in our Union, North Carolina being one of them. There are “white” people who feel that “black” people have no reason to be angry any longer. There are “black” people who feel that “white” people obviously do not realize how alive and present the struggle still is. There are extremist stances of “Black Power” who believe the scales will not be even till the power is in their hands. Since the beginning of recorded history we have seen power struggles, slavery, and the thumb of oppression served on many indigenous peoples. Christianity when taken over by the Romans left a wide river of blood in its wake. The foundation of our very country rests on the bones of the indigenous people now called “Native Americans”. Biology is our witness to the inequality in every species population. Why should the human race be any different? However, with all the wealth that is in the world, why do people still starve till their unfortunate deaths on this planet? How did Hitler raise his arm and have millions follow his lead in the slaughter of anyone not believed to be of the Aryan race?

            Uhuru is a Swahili word for “freedom”. Under the direction of the African Socialist Party, “white” people who feel that reparations are owed the African people work together to educate the general population seeking to “change the narrative” and raise funds to make right all that was stolen from Africa. Under their leader, Omali Yeshitela, ideas like Capitalism and Socialism and people like Lenin and Marx are discussed and analyzed. The systematic accumulation of wealth at the expense of indigenous peoples is what Omali Yeshitela believes to be the culprit of the state of our black and white relations.

            I stand in solidarity with all indigenous people. I believe that any system built off the rape, pillage, murder and theft of indigenous lands is incorrect from its very foundation. However, are reparations truly the answer to fixing thousands of years of power hungry greed? Do all people deserve an equal chance at this life? Of course. Does America have the right to take whatever it wants from around the world? In my opinion, no. Does biology show us that species only survive through the fighting success of the fittest? Yes. Is it not common for the strongest in the pack of any animal to be toward the center so that the weakest are picked off by prey? Yes. Where does this leave us?

            Statistics would represent that blacks and whites are not yet equal in this country. Much has been adjusted since the work of those that fought in the Civil Rights Movement. Where do we go from here? Much of the problem that I see is a lack of information. Ignorance in this case is not bliss. Those that are crammed into tiny houses in small city streets of mostly blacks that have crime and poverty to face every day would perhaps cast daggers of hatred at a rich white person driving by. White people segregated in their big fancy houses may not realize what is actually still occurring. There are poor people in every ethnic description as well as rich people of all types. Yes it is still predominantly a white man’s world. There are many layers to this story and many perspectives to entertain.

            I will design a template of set questions related to the nature of racism and the perception of it in this country. I will articulate them clearly and in the same fashion every time. I will record (anonymously if so desired by the participant) the answers without interference from the interviewer. I will travel first my USF campus, then, the area surrounding it, branching out into multiple demographics always asking the exact same set of questions. Furthermore, I will fortify it by sharing statistics that relate to the narrative and stories of prominent focus around the country today. What I hope to attain is a grassroots view of how America perceives “racism” in the year 2015.

            I am reading “An Uneasy Equilibrium” where Omali Yeshitela is expounding on the evils of capitalism, the plight of indigenous peoples, the need for reparations to the African people and many other tributaries. I am digesting it slowly as he is clearly well versed and quite the scholar. I am curious as to how he feels that reparations are the answer to the social inequality and yes, ethnic inequality as well. By the end of my thesis I hope to agree or disagree with him and state clear and scientifically-backed reasons as to why.

            The African story is significant. The fact that the KKK still exists and there are still young men being hung to death for the color of their skin troubles me deeply. To know many “white” people in my own life that do not believe there is still an issue disturbs me greatly. I wish through this work to expose stories, ask questions, raise thoughts that may lead us to the next level of development in this matter. Like Martin Luther King, I too “have a dream”.

The next step.

I have watched Life Malcolm Stand Tall for every life stolen too soon. I sat next to him as he spoke about the atrocity of the police breaking all boundaries and accusing him and his family of animal cruelty for his beloved dog JJ. I have learned much from him over the past few years. I admire his strength, his stamina, his courage. He is afraid of nothing. He speaks when things must be said and he rallies much support from a community willing to come together and make waves of necessary change. I joined Uhuru after counseling with him. I wanted to do more, be more, move forward in this warfare against capitalism, against inequality.

When I received the news that his son had been murdered, my heart shattered in so many pieces. There are no words that can bring him back. There are no words that can right this wrong. Yet, as I lay awake in my bed, tears streaming down my cheeks, I knew that I must not allow his young Life lost to be in vain.

Life Jr. had his whole life ahead of him. He leaves sisters and family that care deeply for him. This tragedy has been a catalyst to lead me to the next open door. I must do more!

I was walking with a peer of mine on campus today. I was speaking of this great loss and speaking of my need to do more. I was discussing Uhuru with him, and talking about Doctor Yeshitela. I am in the midst of reading "An Uneasy Equilibrium". I am reading it slowly because it is a lot to digest. I was telling my friend that I would love for him to borrow it and read it once I was done. I was expressing to him how I felt a connection that made me believe he and I were meant to do work together. As we exited the building on campus that we were walking through, There were representatives from Uhuru with a table set up with the latest breaking news of actual truth to a people who have no idea what is actually going on in the world we live in.

We gathered in a circle. Expounded on our surrounding conditions, what we know must be done. We spoke of Life and his son. We cried. We communed. Sunday, after the funeral, Uhuru has a convention that will be held. I know that I must be present.

My friend and I walked away amazed by the power of the Universe that surrounds us. There is certainly so much pain. Tragedy. Injustice, but there is also love, hope and some good old fashioned magic. I was taken away by the fact that here I was telling him about Uhuru, Dr. Yeshitela and there they were, spreading the truth!

There are a lot of things I will be begin working on because of this great loss. I have given my vow to give my all for my entire life, and it is time to step up my game and move forward through that waiting open door.

I pray that all of you who read this will remember those we have lost this past year alone. I hope that you will all reach out to your community around you and be all that you can possibly become. I pray that for every life lost, you will in turn live yours to the fullest. Comfort those who are facing their tragedies.

We have been beaten. We have been lost. We have been raped. We have been hungry. We have been homeless. We are one human race. May we the people take back the reins and remember where we came from. Love one another. You never know when someone you love may be taken away.