Infinity!

It has been an incredibly long day. For those of you that do not know I work in a restaurant. One of my besties, Tommy King wore a pedometer on a double once and walked about 21 miles. He never walked nearly as much as I do. We hustle. We lift, walk, bend, lift, think, speak, remember all day long. I love the activity. I love connecting with people. I love remembering. I love the physical ache at the end of a long day. I love making people happy.

I often close the house which means I check the other servers out and make sure everything is ready for the morning. As I was signing one of my co-workers this evening, I made my signature loop that I have on each of my pieces of art, and every managerial document I have ever had to sign, the backs of my checks, etc. My signature. She said, "you know that is the symbol for Infinity Love". I sunk hard into the dark black earth. I miss him so much.

I have never gone this long without hearing from Infinity Won. I don't know where he is. I need to hear his voice. I miss him.

For years on end I was engaged by one long term relationship after another. I just spent three years laying next to a man who is deep and intelligent but just doesn't know how to engage others with that beautiful depth. There were nights I lay next to him in silence, feeling the vibration between us. Knowing how much he cared for me. Knowing I would never get to hold him the way I know only I could.

I love love. I enjoy lust. I love taking care of someone. I enjoy the intricate details of pleasure. I love when someone knows you and can do a little thing to make you laugh, make you smile, make you suck in your breath with butterflies in your stomach. I love touch. I love truth. I love stories that never end for days. Long walks and persuasion. I love trust. The truth is that I have held more love in the palms of this soul than any woman should be allowed to. I am honored by the universe. I miss Brandon. He is the last one that I made LOVE to. Love changes everything. With Agape behind bars, my parameters have had to be augmented to suit the need of my present condition. I must admit at times it is much less than easy.

I love dining, breaking bread and sharing stories. I love kisses. Spiritual conversation. I love sensation, teasing and foreplay. I love long walks and honest gazes. I love praises that have backbone. I love the ringtone of someone you have been waiting to talk to all day. I love faith.

But after three pregnancies that I tried hard to protect against, and several unwanted sexual complications, sensation comes with limitations. I am invested in this life. But that does not change the fact that I also have physical desires. The emotional need to be held. The desire to meld with someone. I miss Brandon.

I will never forget one particular night (there were so many that amazed me!) that I got out of the shower and sat on the edge of our blow-up air mattress bed and wept. I mean, that kind of soul weep, can't stop for fear of still breathing, don't know how I am ever going to survive this chapter of my life, weep. He sat behind me his chest against my back, his legs around my legs, his head against my shoulder, his arms around my body, and held me. He held me. He held me. He held me.

Mister three years of silent depth never really put his arms around me. I am not dishonoring him for he is an amazing and beautiful soul that just has not yet found his freedom, but I needed it. I longed for him.

The truth is that not many in this life can mirror your own soul quite the way you like. I remember another night where Brandon and I were dancing and we were like complete mirror images of one another. We were incredible.

In every union there are things that are perfect, things that don't quite make sense, and things that really irk you. Nature of the beast. But now I sit and I wonder what to do with myself. Where to go at the next turn. Feeling the power of this new moon and knowing that this chapter is going to knock me to my knees, knock my socks off, leaving me begging please and wondering how I ever missed this open door. So much is in store right around the corner for me. I just know.

So Brandon Margrueal Correa. Please let me know where you are. I miss you terribly. I cannot bear this life without you. Please come home.

LINKED IN!

So, I really had a very long day and as I was in the shower just really wanted to share some amazing things that happened today. I signed up for something called Linked In via USF and apparently, I just needed to spend twenty minutes even  finding access to my blog. Sometimes connecting networks is a really bad plan. I realized I had poured so much of my soul into this blog! What a scare. But here I am and I really just want to tell you a story that happened today that kind of blew my spiritual mind.

I was at work. I had not yet had my first table. A woman walked in the door. She felt familiar. Perhaps, I had waited on her before. I seated her in what I believed to be my section since I was the only one without a table. I sat her in one of my co-workers sections by accident and the young lady said I could go ahead and take care of her.

The woman was waiting on someone. A reporter. I was asking her what she would like to drink when she noticed the Agape tattooed across my breastbone. Her eyes welled up with tears as she told me her husband had recently passed away and in his last note to her had written: Agape, look it up. She said she really admired the work of the artist and was thinking maybe she would also get it tattooed on her somewhere. I was sorry for her loss. I then noticed the necklace made to resemble a dog tag around her neck. Just this morning I had put my jewelry on and had almost worn my father's dog tags. It said "Semper Fi". The spiritual nature of the physical world is marvelous!

Now my eyes welled with tears and I said to her, "I don't usually tell people this. But, Agape is also a man. A Marine that I love very much. More than I even understand. He is in Attica. Right now until 2026. She asked for what. I answered with caution. She related it to something in her life which of course related back to me. I asked her if her husband had been a Marine. She said "No. My son".

Now I was really afraid. Had she lost them both?!?

She said he had been shot by our side. On accident but nevertheless paralyzed. She said, "Rain. You will never believe this part. His middle name is Rainey". She stood up and put the Semper Fidelis around my neck. She embraced me and we both began to weep.

I am in constant awe of the algorithm that guides me. I am satiated daily by the things that cause me sway. I love my life! I am amazed by the strength of this woman. I will leave her identity anonymous for now in respect for her life and her privacy. She promised to keep in touch and hugged me as she left. I am moved beyond the words on this page.

Love. Life. Now.

The Interconnectedness of all living things.

Whether you think of life as the six degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon or the mysterious spiritual nature that guides us through our existence, we all know that when one pays attention it is amazing the way our path tends to puzzle piece itself together in front of us. I love the serendipitous way that things interlock and unfold. I love how we are given the meal of life one morsel at a time. My earnest endeavor is to learn to savor each and every bite. I am amazed by the miracle that my life is and am overjoyed at how much beauty I am allowed to behold on a daily basis.

I am three weeks away from the end of my semester. It has been a largely eventful week, some things of which I am able to speak and others which I must only allude to. My head has been busy with many thoughts. Many people and circumstances have forged their way into my life and I am enticed by the mystery of this enchanted life I lead.

There once was a man from Barbados. True he had me intoxicated for a few days. We kissed A LOT! His accent alone had me unfolding my wings and singing songs only the ethereal realm knows. I chose however to listen to my mother's words and take them seriously, "He is a distraction." I was upset the day she said them to me. Right now, as I am writing this piece, he is walking passed me in the library without even knowing I am here. No concern. Only irony.

He spoke of this area and its overcrowded concrete spaces. He spoke of my poetry and the stanzas of my phrasing. He spoke of my beauty and the scent of my physical being. He spoke of my facial expressions and how he felt I needed to take my appearance more seriously. He spoke of my jewelry and how I presented myself. He almost had me when he uttered passionately yet distantly, "I feel like an ant in a concrete jungle. I want to return to my island." In the end all he wanted from me was to relieve his male urges, and I graciously declined. He in typical fashion decided not to respond and withdrew from my life completely.

The man I have been seeing casually and forging a friendship with the passed three years has not invited me over to spend the night in over two months. I realize this time we are really done. I have written much about him and his influence in my life though many of you will never know who he was and how our story unfolded. I wrote a song about him, "There's a man that I love in this life. So beautiful but so bottled up inside. An intricate puzzle box mystery. Almost three years and still I long to see. I love me some you. No matter where this might go. I love me some you. No matter who doesn't know. There are things I must do to survive. And some nights that included being by his side. And the silence so loud in between communicates in corridors of my dreams. I love me some you. I love me sum you. No matter where this might go. No matter who doesn't know. I love me SUM you".

I haven't heard from Brandon in several months. Paulie just moved down to this area. So many elements fighting for space in this brilliant and sensitive Piscean heart. I love love.

The truth is I am working on a degree. The truth is once I have finished this degree I will be working on another. The truth is that I give all of myself most of the time. The truth is I am trying with all my heart to heed the words of my mother. No distractions!

I have been in one long term loving relationship after another. I have fared well in the corridors of love. After breaking up with Brandon though I really have changed my approach, what I allowed, my interactions all together.

I am thirty six soon to be thirty seven and all of my heart desires to see Cadence born. With Agape behind bars it is hard to know where to go or how to approach my ideals of love and family. Sex and dating is not what it once was and after all that I have been through on those subjects, I have tried to make safer practices, leave more time between encounters, find new balance on who I trust and allow to have a taste.

I am pondering all these things while also remaining focused and driven along my spiritual path. I know that my destiny requires me to walk faster, work harder, think more carefully and be slightly segregated from the fold than most. I am engaged by this commitment. I am ready for this life. I will continue to give all of me and continue moving forward.

The fact remains that like any other being I have moments where I am incredibly alone. There are times when I just want a man to hold me. Times where I just want a kiss; someone to hold my hand, take a walk with me or share a meal. I love good conversation. I love mystery. I love the way life unfolds. I have complete faith of my direction. I have complete faith in my ability. I have complete faith in the amazing people who offer me love and support even in my loneliest hour.

Thank you to all of you! I could not be the woman I am without you.

In this (almost three years) time of living alone, I have become stronger, found solidarity, come to know myself in a very solid way. I have even become funnier. I am more relaxed in my own persona. I enjoy my life immensely. This New Year will be three years and I will continue to celebrate this gift of 'me'. I have become my soul mate. I have allowed the light of the Divine to flow through me. Waiting tables continues to teach me to iron out the flaws in my personality and also strengthen the best of me. I am becoming all that I am meant to be and am happy to have so many amazing souls walking beside me. I have more than one soul-mate in this life and no matter what is required of me to complete my objective this lifetime, I promise I will run the race strong. I will finish well. I will offer up all that I am and all that I am yet to become to helping those that are aware leave this world a better and more brilliant place.

I believe in the exponential potential of each and every one of us, beginning with me~! Let's go!

Three Years Eternal

I would like to take a moment to update everyone on how this semester has been. First I would like to say thank you to all of the amazing people I have in my life who have offered love and continuous support in this incredible journey I lead. I am honored by your presences and find myself to be the richest girl in the world!

I would like to take a moment also to thank my Father and Paul Shapiro for taking time to show me how to take care of things that women were never taught once upon a time. I have fixed my toilet twice this week (and with a paperclip I might add!). This New Year will celebrate three years I have lived completely on my own. It has been an amazing three years filled with so many stories. What would my life be without the continuous cycle of obstacles and blessings?

I chose to take four classes this semester and was told I must take an honors class in order to be an honors student. This was something I wanted very much and since I had already enrolled in four classes I opted to take the fifth required honors course. I also became involved in a lab which I am enjoying immensely and along with a few valued cohorts of mine, am starting a campus organization. I am still working a full time job and somehow have managed to complete the writing process for my upcoming third album, "In Quiescence".  I have many stories to tell and often joke I could write several books per day. I am enthralled with my life.

It has amazed me each and every semester how I choose classes randomly and somehow they puzzle piece themselves together serendipitously. I am thankful that within these three years I have become much stronger and more independent, more aware and well rounded. Waiting tables continues to help me effectively work out the parts of my personality that are out of spiritual balance. I love the harmony of the universe around us and the plethora of knowledge always at our fingertips when we are paying attention.

I have learned much from maintaining my fish tank, from rescuing Cleopatra and finding her a home, from working with a wonderful group of ladies in attempt to shut down Attica and get Agape out of there. I have learned how to better connect with various types of people and have become quite funny in the process.

I have enjoyed this time I have been able to spend with my family. My mother even got her first tattoo the other day. I finally have my wings and I am not afraid to fly. Watch out world, cuz here I come.

I remember when Amen and I were working on the second release to After the Rain. One of the bonus tracks was a song I had just written. I was sitting down playing keys and a little nervous in his studio. He told me what a beautiful voice I had but reminded me I must sing from my belly. Today, I was practicing for Album Three and was amazed to realize how far my voice had traveled with me! I said to the air around me, "Amen, I am singing from my belly. Can you hear me?"

I am thirty six years young and have so much life run through my veins. As the Native Americans say, "It is a good day to die". However, I am utterly grateful I am still breathing.

I just wanted to stop and say thank you to all of you, my mother and father especially. My sisters and my nieces and nephews. My inner circle. My friends. My co-workers. My Professors. My classmates. My comrades in the struggle. The intrinsic beauty of Nature. The Divine Life Source. I am honored to be alive.

I know I have not been as available this semester. Many of you reach out to me daily just the same. Never stop reaching. I love you all!

To Del with Love

I am the vibrant colors
In tomorrows perfect sunset
I am the wind whipping like autumn 
Through your hair
I am the fragrance that makes you remember
I am what is yet to be discovered
Over there
I am the best yet to be decided
I am the flavor on the tip of your tongue
I am the running of the race
When there is no strength for the standing
The compassion of the heart
That gives even after it is burned
I am the yearning of the spirit to find the wisdom offered
I am the coffin that is buried away from the light of Sun
I am the very membrane that keeps you warm and protected
I am the erection of the soul when nothing turns you on
I am the weeping eyelids of the mother
Running tears like rivers down the back of the forest
Waiting for fevers to break after illness has lost
I am the strength to stand when nothing else matters
I am the shattered pieces of glass recreated to reflect
I am the eyes of the goddess
The soul of the cauldron
I am the fire at midnight
When all else is dark and cold
I am the hand that will guide you
The arm that will steady you
The back that will support you
And the eyes to see clearly on
I am the pumping blood of
This modern day messiah
I am higher than life and lower than death
i am all that is left
I am love

First Love

I met him on a Sunday. I was eight years old. I remember spinning around in my Sunday best hoping he would notice. I remember Tommy Wiessner looking at me like he was jealous. I remember liking it. Tommy gave me a red satin heart shaped box to keep sacred things in. I have it to this day, almost thirty years later. Stephen and I were cosmic. We were magnetic. We made butterflies appear in stomachs. We were speechless and nervous and awkward. We were first love.

Our love lasted ten entire years. I will never forget segregated lines. I will never forget being a grade ahead and being offered one more grade. My father didn't feel it would be good for my social life. All I could consider was Stephen Carl Thompson. We had a class or two together. There was lunch and assemblies. There was recess. I will never forget the day when a water spout started travelling off the Bay and over the land for a short time which seemed to last for an eternity. We were seamed together and scared as though we were constructed as one being. We may have held hands. I honestly don’t remember. What I will never forget is the moment that water spout felt so close, the wind whipping so strong and the fibers of our very soul shook to the marrow of our making. We were petrified. Just in the nick of time, the spout fell apart and it was the most amazing thing to watch! I loved him.

I remember swing-sets and ninja moves. I remember Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. He was Raphael. I was April. I remember his window facing the playground. I remember every late night that my Mother spent upset that my father was not yet done in his office. I remember those same nights meaning more heat, more time, more lust spent staring at Stephen’s open window. I remember my youth.  I remember eye contact meaning everything. I remember the sweaters we had that were negative opposites of one another. So similar. So familiar. So correct.

I remember the letter I wrote composed in Spanish. My Spanish was not as good and Sandra’s translation not as accurate. That letter required my parents to pull me out of school and homeschool me for almost three years! In the letter I quoted songs. I did the best I could with the Spanish I had learned. I was not good enough. The mistranslation cost me my freedom. I was monitored. What was worse, I was taken away from Stephen. I saw him at church and how grateful I was that my Pastor father was so incredibly active but my mother even walked with me to the restroom. I fumed. Lost I felt without him.

Little did I know how much worse it could be! When I was fifteen he and his family returned to their roots in Alabama. I mourned for him. I missed him more than I knew my young heart could handle. There were phone calls and letters. None of this would ever suffice. I transpired against my father’s wishes. I purchased a plane ticket at seventeen. I was fresh out of high school. I arrived in Alabama not having any idea what to expect.

We walked many miles. We talked about many things. We planned a wedding on a leap year, on a day that could only come around every four years. He bought me a gold ring. I liked silver. We moved back to Tampa. He lived with my Uncle. We mis-carried a child. We loved. We fought. We kissed. We talked. We wrought iron dreams in streets paved with anger. We wondered at the meaning of our young existence. We offered persistence to stories not yet written. We strived for greatness. We waited and stated things that were meant to be forever, however forever was not yet understood by either. I regret nothing. Even when he moved back home, I was alone and aching for his kiss. I knew however we were meant to live separate lives. We danced over stars and underneath overpasses. We even had adventures underneath streets and in cemeteries. We were fearless. We were not permanent.

My first taste of forever danced and dissolved. I missed him desperately yet moved on. We kept in touch over the years and I later knew he married, had children, loved. I have dreamed of him on a regular basis every month of my life since the first day I laid eyes on him.  The year he died in that tragic car accident with his young son Nathan, I had just released my first album, After the Rain. After the Rain was the title track of the album and happened to be a song I wrote for him when I was fifteen and he and his family moved away from me and back to Alabama.

I dream of him still and believe I always will. I know he and his son are running in the sunshine in another place, another time Sublime energy is forged with the knowing of your first love. I was glad he could be mine and know that his love will stay with me for the rest of time. So much of my experiences in love have been shaped by the anticipation, the eye contact, the dreams and the stories that Stephen and I shared. The music, the sunshine, the laughter and even the waterspout! Ninja moves on hillsides waiting and trees I climbed in yards no longer there. I remember it all. The melodic intonations of the baby grand and the secrets we sometimes forgot to share. I will never forget. Love is sacred. I am love. Memories are eternal. Long live Stephen Carl Thompson. Long live first love. 

Clothesline Festival at USFSP

            Like Buddhist prayer flags in the autumn sun these survivors shirts blew in the October breezes. As a survivor myself, each story resounded as though it were a scar on my own arm. The power of their resolve rang of freedom: true freedom in the sense that nothing would ever take away their strength to stand strong. I danced with joy to know that I was not alone. My sisters and mother had not fought in vain. We were an army of women ready to succeed. We were witnesses to the unspeakable pain. We knew nothing would ever dissolve our purpose.

            Each shirt had a story to tell. Women at tables nearby sat ready to arm women with knowledge of how they too could find their freedom. Women at tables nearby sat ready to arm women with knowledge of how they too could survive. Women at tables nearby sat ready to catch the tear of a woman who might cry. The visceral energy of the moment stood poignant against my chest. It shook me to my core. I took pictures that were meant to speak the words I would never be able to speak. May we always remember the story. May we always remember the red road of pain. May we always remember the obstacles it takes to set our soul free. May we always remember how to speak.