Holy Days

I have no idea what to say or how to say it. I don't know what is about to come out on this page, but I have to try. The truth is I am compelled to write. I often feel like a vessel. Like my poetry and melodies come from the Divine and I am simply a messenger. An oracle.

Today much of the world celebrated an Americanized, Christianized, Capitalistic holiday with roots in many cultures from many different periods of time. Everyone who celebrated today has different value they placed upon this sacred day. For those of us who do not celebrate, we have reasons. Many of us have backed up our reasons with solid knowledge, with history stolen, with anti-materialistic sentiment. Whatever the case may be, for me, today was about family. For me, today was about love.

To me, the best definition of a Holy Day would be a day spent in sacred fashion. Sacred to me would mean living life to the fullest. I don't mean in gratification of the flesh but in fulfillment of the spirit. I believe we all have a highest self that we have the potential of attaining in this life. We all have things we excel at and we all have the vices that keep us from realizing our potential faster. As we approach this new year, many thoughts have begun to form in my mind.

When I told Tommy my intentions for 2015, he said he would bet me $500 that I could not go an entire year without having sex. The truth is sex has become tired. Most men think about sex more often than us and can turn almost any conversation into a sexual one. I am not really down for that. I am certain a lot of it has to do with how I was raised but I think there are so many subjects I'd rather we all spend time talking about. I don't like that I can start having a conversation with a man in complete innocence and say something completely unrelated and somehow innuendos begin to fly. Don't get me wrong. Sex with the right person is amazing. I love sex. I just don't love all the things that have become attached to it. Most men are selfish in bed and I cannot tell you how many of my partners (some that really loved me deeply) never worried about my orgasms or my pleasure. I cannot tell you how common it is today to be fucked but not kissed. I'd rather simply be held than that brand of sex.

Disease. Unwanted pregnancies. Non-supportive fathers. Rape. Cold, calculated distance. No kisses. Dirty secrets. No one knows you love me. I am not yours but the Divine forbid I belong to anyone else. Three years laying next to someone in the loudest silence I have ever known. I love him. I have made many mistakes in the lanes of lust, and I have accomplished much in the house of love. It is time that I prove to myself that I am able to place my vices in submission. It is time I showed the world how very much I love myself. It is time I remind the Divine how very committed I am to this mission. My life is a sacred journey. I want to make the most of it.

I have loved and been loved in so many beautiful ways. I have the most incredible people in my inner circle. I could not ask for a better crew. But maybe Tommy is right. I have held so much powerful love in the palms of these two hands. But where is my husband? Where is the father of my child? Where is my comrade in arms? Where is my solider for the cause? Where is my best friend? Where is my knight in shining armor? Where is my forever love?

I don't regret any love I have every known. Each lover was a sacred flame that taught me how to be a more brilliant fire. Each love is contained in a chamber of this giant Pisces heart. Each love lasted for the season it was meant for in my life.

What do I want from love? I want family. I want commitment. I want honesty. I want perseverance. I want a partner to travel this road with me. I want children. I want a strong chest I can cry on when the road is hard. I want someone just as committed to working hard and giving all he is made of as I am. I want forever love.

Becoming pregnant is a sacred act. Therefore, whoever I choose to have sex with would have to be capable of being a father to a child created. Disease is a reality that is an ever present danger. I must truly trust the person that I allow to lay next to me. So the rules are changing.

I know this is the hardest challenge I have ever set for myself. I know for certain that the finest men I have ever known will walk straight up to me in my most tempting hour. I know there will be nights when I come way too close to failure. But I have to do this.

I miss love. I miss being held. I miss trust. I miss waking up next to someone that loves me utterly and completely. I want eye contact. Hand holding. I want kissing. Kissing. Kissing. I want someone who shares my dreams, my goals and my most sacred of beliefs. I want a loving and passionate father to help me make well rounded children.

There are many sacred kings in my life. There are a few I have certainly considered marriage with. Agape Towns has proven his love to me. We have similar values, goals and determination. There are many obvious questions on the table and questions that only our souls need speak. What is meant to be will surely be.

It is my Senior year of my bachelor's degree. I need all this extra energy. This intensified focus to really shine as I weave my way forward into my Master's and my Doctorate. I need courage and peace and strength as I march into the Peace Corps or whatever door opens for me to travel the globe. I need to take all my extra energy and channel it into my life purpose. No distractions.

Today, I arrived at my family celebration with no makeup, very little hair product and no polish on my toes. I felt more content with myself than I have in a very long time. Each love attempts to augment the reflection of their counterpart to mirror things they are or things they need to receive. Every move or adventure, new group of friends or different city brings out slightly different parts of our character. Every stage and every microphone demands that we entertain the audience. Tommy said, "Just be you". Tommy also said I am always searching. He has been right on more than one occasion.

Truth is, I have things I need to do. Truth is, the greatest challenge and largest distraction in my life has been containing the lust that fuels my veins and feels so good. The truth is I have lived through a lot, I have overcome much and made many errors in judgment. I have loved and left. I have moved and learned. I have danced and laughed. I have grown and fallen down on my face. I must know that I am the woman you all believe me to be. I must see the reflection of the Divine in me.

I have waited this long to have a child because I want a father and a mother and a baby who grow in love and strength and harmony together. I want balance. I want truth. I want justice for all. I want freedom. I want life to be lived to its fullest. I want all that is meant for me. I want to inspire the world around me to get up and take life by the horns and know that it was good.

This road has been mine to tread since I was eleven years old and aware of my sexual nature. I have made much progress every day of my life. In Rochester, I remember reigning in and talking to Asia about re-channeling my energy from my solar plexus to my throat chakra. My voice has grown so much because of it. I cannot wait to see where this year takes me.

I know that the end of this year does not mean that my soul-mate will magically be standing next to me. I know there will remain many unanswered questions. I also know that I will be stronger, wiser, and more fit for the challenge that has been asked of me.

I want to commit myself to my highest self. I want to see my life truly shine. I want to be all I can be in this life.

I will purify myself and ready myself for my groom. For my child(ren). At thirty six I am considered by the medical world (at large) to be a high risk pregnancy. This year, I will eat a vegetarian life, consume no alcohol, and abstain from sex. I will pour myself into my school work, into my ministry, into developing my digital presence, into practicing for albums three and four, into stage productions and writing. Into my family. Into loving myself in a balanced and harmonious state. Into yoga and riding my bike and becoming fit once again. The best chances I have at successfully bearing and raising a child is to be the most fit and balanced version of me there is. This is my goal for 2015.

I have one year before I apply for Master's Programs. I have one year to complete my Bachelor's. I have one year to make my curriculum vitae really shine. I have one year to become ready to be the best mother I know how to be.

Maybe my mom is right and I am not going to end up with a family this lifetime. Maybe she is right when her instinct says that my calling is not an easy one and I could give of myself most effectively if I was a free agent (so to speak). Regardless of what the outcome is, I know this year will heighten my spiritual senses, it will harness my chi and my chakra energies. It will show me how strong I can truly be. It will send many temptations. It will challenge me utterly. But hey If I am the one for someone right now, I will be the one a year from now too. Asia doesn't think I have met him yet. I don't really know what to think any more. I am no longer searching. I am spending a year sacred unto my own soul.

I love and am loved by so many brilliant souls. I will need all of you to surround me with love and support, prayers and meditations to help me raise my vibration enough to accomplish this feat. I am aware that I am not the only person on Earth that has gone one year without having sex. I also know that those of you who know me best are aware of how strong the fire of lust within me rages. More than anything I thirst for connection, for companionship, for spiritual fire, for exponential growth. More than anything I thirst for love.

Walk with me. See what we might see.

Best Me in 2015!

2015

As the wind whipped wicked over the Howard Franklin Bridge, the tears washed down my face just like the rain was soaking the world around me. My father fed me, fueled me, fired me up with the rekindled purposed in the torch he passed to me tonight. I have been largely misunderstood my entire life. Nicknames were bestowed upon me as a child, Spaz, among others. I was different. We are taught that different is wrong. Whether it is a black man in a white neighborhood, a white piano player in a Black Baptist Church (that was me, true story), a man that loves a man but happens to play on the football team, a Catholic in Muslim territory...the list goes on. I have faults and strengths just like anyone, but I have gifts and thoughts that keep me segregated from the general population. I am loved by many. I am hated or feared by a few, but this is something I am used to. The tremendous blessing that has been offered to me since my return to the South has been the close relationship I have forged with both my father and my mother. I was considered the black sheep of the family for quite some time. My spiritual views and my sexual choices were considered from a distance, and I was held at arm's length for a time. The truth is that I have "studied to show myself approved". I have listened and learned from every facet of my existence. Tommy says I have not yet tasted "true love" and I assure you as I assured him, every love I have ever held only added to the wealth of my existence. If that is not TRUE than nothing I know will ever be. We have this fairy tale image of life in America. White people are rich. Heterosexual is normal. Men are stronger. True love lasts forever. The truth is life is lived from your perspective. We can walk together many a mile and still not understand one another or agree on our individual foundations. We may argue, we may love, we may break bread, we may hug, we may disagree, we may rub each other wrong, but at the end of the day, the soul inside each of our chests answers to the Divine Life Force within us in our own words, and our own timing, upon our own terms.

Life is asking a lot of me right now. This is perhaps the most major crossroads I have ever arrived at. I am embarking on a path that will take me to a whole new level of my existence, a whole new level of my commitment to the Divine, to myself, to those of you that love me so dearly.

I could not be me without my Father, My Mother, every lover I have ever held, ever friend that I have had, still have or have yet to find. I could not be me without every book I have ever read, every movie I have ever entertained, every melodic composition of music that has found space inside my brain. Every conversation held, every sleep taken, every adventure completed. I am me because of all that surrounds me, all that is inside me, all that inspires me to keep moving on.

Love is not a battlefield. It is not composed of ultimatums. It does not make demands nor demean its counterpart. It is not more important on one half of the equation. True love is 100/100. True love leaves both parties better people. True love causes a soul to fly free, experience life from a new perspective, and brings new strength, hope, and purpose to the Divine nature inside our human flesh. Love forgives. Love is eternal. Love is unconditional. Love is the higher frequency. Love is what we crave. Love is what our fingers search for in the absence of light. Love is the universal language. Love is Divine. Divine is Love. We are all we compose ourselves to be.

In the search for my highest self, I must face my demons. Those of you that know me best know already what I am referring to. Lust is the magnetism that connects bodies. Lust is the fire that fuels the flame. Lust is the passion that pulses us forward even when we know we should not move another inch. Lust is the pressure that presses against the base of our spine begging our Kundalini to rise. Lust is the chemical attraction that cannot be denied. Lust is eternal fire.

 In every relationship I have ever had (save one) I have given myself to others during the relationship. In most of my relationships I admit in the beginning that I will love them like no other. I also tell them that I am not monogamous. I am bisexual. I love flavor. I love encounters (sexual or not) that are encounters of the soul to soul kind. I love chemistry. I love connection. I love people. I love mystery and discovery.

I know the corridors of my soul well. I know what I believe. I have learned from all I see. I have loved with all I am. I have grown from all I have loved. I love my life!!!

Native Americans say it is a good day to die! I have done all that is in my power to do. I have erred and grown. Learned and flown. I have been the best of me and the worst of me.

I know that if I take this leap (and I know I am supposed to)...so many amazing black men will come my way with all the swagger and the sway the intelligence and spirituality...and the machismo that I need. I am afraid. I am ready.

On the Eve of a New Year!

I hit a major crossroads in my life. I reached out to many of you last night and I am grateful to say that so many reached back. I am amazed daily by how many incredible people I truly have in my life. So many things converged in one space. One of my best friends said that he missed the one girl that got away and had been looking for her recently. He asked me if there was only one I was allowed to choose of all the amazing men and women I had ever loved, who would I choose? He told me he felt I had never experienced true love. Another of my inner circle, is in the middle of an emotional upheaval as his twenty year marriage is dissolving before his eyes. I have so many things I could say but will honor the sacred nature of the lives of my friends. A lot played in to this hand.

Agape and I have always been candid with one another. Our friendship was brilliant and stunning in every imaginable way. We fell in love in an awkward space just before incarceration. It has not been easy for either of us. Best case scenario he could come home after the next appeal. Worst case scenario, 2028 is a reality. I know what I want out of love. I know what I need. I know what I deserve. I waited to have children this long because I truly wanted a father that was my best friend, my confidant, my everything to bear and raise my children with me. I wanted a family that held each-other up, went through everything together. I want my children to be the best of their father and me. If Agape doesn't come home until 2028, then I have the option of not having children, adopting when he comes home, or marrying him while he is incarcerated and raising our children on my own.

Furthermore, I have the pleasure of changing the nature of what I will allow. If Agape is to be my husband then I am a taken woman. What that leaves me with are less than satisfying circumstances of encounters that I would not normally engage in because if I have my soul-mate then what is left is sex. I am no one's booty call. Never have been. Never will be. So, for the last three years I have been laying next to someone who has proven time and time again to have my back, be my friend, but we are not romantic, we are not really even lovers. I am tired of selling myself short. I am tired of placing my self on a shelf for later.

Agape and I have been through a tremendous amount together. He is intelligent, wise, spiritual, focused and so many things I would want in a man. We never got the opportunity to date as we only fell in love a couple short weeks before he was incarcerated. This has added so much to the complication of any already intense situation. I am weary. I am thirty six. I wish to have children.

I was holding my niece Aubrielle who was not feeling well the other night. I loved her baby breath, her baby smile, her baby scent. I am ready. I would make an amazing mother. I want a man beside me to raise my children. According to today's medicine, I am already a high risk pregnancy.

I am one year away from graduating with my Bachelor's Degree. Master's. Doctorate. Peace Corps. Music. Writing. Travel. So many questions. As much as I would love to be a mother, perhaps it is not in my best interest to do so. This is a hard thought.

So I asked myself, what do I want?

I want a best friend, a comrade in the struggle, I want someone who wants to travel this globe with me singing music, spitting poetry from every available microphone. I want a brother who is committed to doing all that is in his power to change the world around him. I want a dedicated lover, father, husband who is interested in loving me, growing with me and becoming the best of himself. I want someone who can love the free spirit that I am. I want someone who is willing to learn what I like best and knows that I love to return the favor. I want a man who is focused on his health, both physical and spiritual, who is driven, passionate, and ready for action. I want a man who is just alpha enough to guide me and our family but just sensitive enough to know when to let me guide the reigns. I need a brother who can match my intelligence, my passion, my drive, my focus and know how to have fun while accomplishing all we are about to in this life. I want someone who is willing to commit to me for life but cares not for the traditional burdens of this worlds version of marriage. I need someone ready to think on his feet, let me be me, while he is he and we can be that much more amazing together.

I have held so many beautiful loves in the palms of these two hands. But, I have learned that what I need comes to me. I have learned to call for and claim that which I deserve. I am ready for love. I am ready for life. I am ready for the birth of my babies. I want all of this. I have waited so long.

I am on the brink of making a very hard and challenging decision. I think that I should take a vow of abstinence for the year of 2015. I am tired of ordinary sex. I want to make love. I want to marry. I want to walk miles with the man of my dreams.

My mother seems to feel that perhaps, due to my destiny, I am not meant to have a husband or a family. I can see why she feels this way, but I pray it is not so. I could have a warrior husband and a warrior child. Either way, I could see where being set apart, and sacred could really sanctify me. I can see the empowerment this action would allow but I am afraid to say I will in the chances I let myself down.

I shall not fail!

I feel that if I wish to bear a child, I should also be physically immaculate, spiritually centered, emotionally balanced and mentally prepared. I am also considering other things like a year of being a vegetarian and working my physical being back into center balance. That way when he comes, whether Agape or someone I have not met yet, I will be ready. It is my Senior year and I could put all of my extra focus into my studies so I could graduate with fireworks and bells.

I am open to opinions, ideas, and support. This is a major life decision. This is a major crossroads.

Thank you all for your constant support.

~Rain.

Research Begins

The well of knowledge builds itself effectively at my mercy
Each particle weaving itself into the tapestry
Of my personal epistemology
I am wallowing in the nature of Mother Nature herself
I dance in the broken sentences of those who are trying so hard
To speak complete thoughts
My cage is wrought with iron but the door is open
The mystery continues to unfold holding golden promises
in a monochrome world
I roll through my life on a spiritual skateboard
That transports me to my next location
Sensation dances up my ethereal spine
Kundalini rise
Eyes on the prize which is forever enough
Low level tones reverberate
My sacral chakra begins to implode
Diving deeper on this inward facing history
Prismatically I see the world in brilliant rainbow hues
Tunes of melodic mystery charm those listening into patterns of dance
That will carry them far
Stars align as patterns collide
I see pupil's eyes and am reminded we are all alive
And we will all die but we are not all living
Swimming upstream through the primordial ooze I choose to be
The keeper of the flame (Nina Simone)
Sane thoughts are captured in the nets and I could only regret what I never got up
To try
Sigh
A new chapter begins

Sung

Ink stains the lining of this page
Rearranging thoughts
To produce new waves
Sages sit in circles
Discussing many things
Rings represent union
The beginning the ending brings
Wings spread across the heavens
The poetry which Angels sing

Hunters

Colonialism
Hunts down those
In subsistence living
Inferior view
For those with brand new shoes
Hand to mouth
Capitalism
Continues hunting them down
While we wait by the water
Watching the waves greet the shore

Diverse!

Docks, locks and sea walls rise
Size and often status
Catastrophe picks off a piece
While predators seek
The weakest link
What length will you travel
To become your highest self
Cell biology cannot reverse
The price you would sell your soul for

Silk Wings

Over and against the pain
I hover in my bed
Relinquishing the summer rain
Rivers forming fast
My breath rises soft
Internal melody
His touch is hard to run from
Vibrant harmony
Dark angel wings
Speaking things no one ever heard
Words burst forth
From sultry lips
Hips bursting rhythm
Begging the sip
The slip of your tongue
Sung songs in new cadence
We've only just begun
Life ever rising
As harmony sings
New depth
As we spread
The strength of angel wings
Long lasting gazes
Exchanges to bring
Dancing in circles
Happy to "Be"

Roots

Caverns open up
Deep beneath the surface
Rich black soil, rivers of water
And deeply forged roots
Suited for my need to slip away
Stasis reformulated for my
Brand New Self
Wealth matters not
If defined as silver or gold
Wealth is all I need
When discussing the story freed
I am singing myself into existence
Resistance is futile
Without an alternative route
Spouting collected wisdom
From my soap box stage
I attribute the best of me
To all that you taught me
Learning to find
The only right way

Sweet Sorrow

Sweet sorrow parting
Veils that can't be seen
Now my guard is falling
Violin now screams
We beam glorious lights of love
Out of eyes that house our souls
Goal becomes intrusion
When illusion takes control
I am old and cold and lonely
My piano listens well
The tree that once loomed ugly
Now has been felled
Shaking this machine
Expecting breakdown
Sounds aggressive in a way
But sometimes angry expression
Is the only way
Truth would become
A viable solution
If truth could be defined
As something
On which we could agree
Speeding toward our freedom
The rat race
Is truly free

I run, Therefore I win!

I feel my sorrow
Deeper than most
Hosting the weight
Of the world
On my shoulder
As it floats
Hoping for the best
Working hard for the outcome
Running the race
Till it's done

Alive!

I am pleasantly surprised
One thousand times per day
I wrap myself inside
The eternal fountain of youth
The Sunlight breaking through
A storm cloud in the sky
Watching birds in flight
Color strikes deep
From a butterfly wing
And yes when I am happy
I sing

Yes, I am pleasantly surprised
One thousand times per day
With conversation had
With eye contact made
The warm and tender embrace
Of friendship in my soul
Rolling sound of thunder
River waters as they roll
The swelling of Canal
The contact of silk skin
All these natural elements
I deeply drink them in

I am pleasantly surprised
One thousand times per day
Harboring everything
That causes my soul sway
I rest inside the cocoon
Of Mother Nature's arms
The charm of the full moon
Feeling safe from harm
I am grateful for this life
And all the joy it brings
And yes, when I am happy
I sing

I AM

I am emotion
I am poetry
I am love
I am music
I am Nature
I am sometimes harsh
I am constantly moving
I am intelligent
I am the rain
I am the wind through the leaves
I am the water that cleanses
I am the strength of the Ancient Tree
I am afraid when I see something new
I am passionate in my approach
I am clumsy on my landing
I am the shoulder you can cry on
I am driven in my focus
I am surprised by the natural world that surround me
I am amazed by the refraction of light
I am sorrow sometimes in he middle of the night
I am sight

Sharpie Flowers

Hours spent with sharpies
Drawing flowers on jeans
Believing in peace
With fresh conversation
Blue streaks painted on cheeks
Women living free
Breezing the streets
Sweeping passed thieves
Reaching new peaks
Sneaking new beliefs
Into everyday speech
Happening upon
The Magic of the World
No ordinary girl

Thoughts remain
On the tip of my tongue
Chewing my gum
Wanting the sum
To equal the contents that remain
The game hasn't changed
But we find new ways
To embrace the age
Faces fade
But words stay
Jet black on the page
Like flower sharpies
On yesterdays jeans

Prison Break

Just another good Black man
Goin' down for time
If you believe in God
Do you believe He's blind?
We gotta find the solution
System spreads their confusion
Offering pollution
As though it is no illusion
We are used to listening in
Sinking to swim
We are the one's we
Have been waiting for
The open door
The time has come for us
To settle the score
Settle the score

Reminiscence Bump

White face
Painted with silence
Body sways with
The purpose of a story
Glory days have passed
But the body still remembers
September breezes elegant
Against October rain
Pain rises slowly
To the surface of the skin
Evaporation calling
All that hurt you home
Zones of isolation
Places that need facing
Racing thoughts take time
To program brighter days
Swaying to the music
That your soul surely knows
Glowing with the vibrance
The long journey home

Orienting Self

I missed the lizards
While I was in New York
Stark awareness registers
Things moving
Outside our point of view
Orienting registers
Movement beneath
Our feet
Allowing potential
For things
Never before possible

Finals!

So, these past few days have been tumultuous. A few people really close to my heart are moving away (one is already gone), I went through a major transition (I am not yet ready to discuss) and one of my friends is in a bind and needs a place to stay...(Which has an uncanny reflection against the major transition I am going through), I cannot find Brandon anywhere and I have been really trying to reach out to him. All of this said, we are in the middle of Finals Week and I have the two most grueling finals left to go. The possibility of straight A's is there, but it will take a miracle! Meanwhile, I have been stressing because a couple professors have yet to post grades that would really help me know where I stand.

Here comes the funny story! I am in class today and my Professor for Women's Mental Health asks me if I have the quiz that she handed us to look at which we were supposed to return. I know this because that is how she has done it throughout the semester. However, I was in no present state of mind (this was the class that I ended up sobbing in due to the nature of the discussion on rape) and I threw the quiz away upon exiting the class! Great. It is funny however that the whole time I was upset she had not yet posted the grade and the whole time the reason she hadn't posted yet was ME!

No matter how smart we are, no matter how well read, no matter how many details we understand there will always be more to discover.

So, as I am sitting there taking our final review of knowledge, I look up at the filing cabinet in front of me (I am sitting in an unusual location due to the testing going on) and all over the cabinet are infinity signs. As many of you know one of Brandon's aliases is Infinity Won. I know that so many of you tease me for my undying belief in signs and symbols but my symbology has yet to fail me. My path is woven of intricate details that connect to other intricate details and Wu Wei (Taoist principle of becoming like water to move fluidly through the universe) me along my daily path. This all weaves into a much deeper story but I must leave it surface level for now out of respect for a life so intricately woven into mine and yet not mine alone. Suffice it to say that I felt comforted as if Brandon is okay and soon I shall hear his voice.

I had a lovely conversation with my niece Kirstie as we were catching up with our stories...I was arriving at my house. There is this glorious sunflower growing between the sidewalk and the road in the middle of Florida Winter when all my plants on my porch have wilted and appear to have given up the ghost. There it is bright yellow against a gloomy cold and gray day (yes, my loving New Yorkers we DO have days like that in Florida!) and I had to take its picture and share it with the world.

Now, I must study for my last two Finals...I just wanted to share some of the details in this brain of mine.

Ciao~

Truth in Unison

I stand seductive
Precluded from your view
Listening to the way you breathe
Every time I look at you
Freedom builds her cages
Out of yesterdays beliefs
Every random conversation
Offers sweet relief
Our intersecting bodies
Nearly touch so many times
Sorry softly lingers
At the edge of the Divine
Sublime parcel packages
Subliminal are sent
And with every dollar bill
We save to pay the rent
Images of Yester-me
Build up and sometimes swell
And depths within dig so deep
I draw water from the well
Tears begin to overflow
Joy cannot be measured
This body given me certainly
Is a temple made to weather
Every storm I was born
To walk through

Rain

After the tidal wave of tears that swept over me today in class, Heather McKay, one of my cohorts wrote this for me:

Emotion
welling up
to eyelids
and
heart valves
a beat
rhythmically
leading
hands to
create
mold
play
love
Dance,
open palms
red cheeks
Dance.

Rising to the Surface

A few days ago in one of my psychology classes, a professor, uncomfortable made a flippant remark regarding rape, "What you guys don't want to talk about rape?" Between his flippant attitude and his body language, I ended up running out of the class and crying hysterically. I came to the conclusion that I was upset because I hadn't really registered how deeply it affected me some of the reactions that I got to the situation by those I love, the police, and people I was associated with.

The man I have been seeing for almost three years now, didn't know how to handle it. He made remarks about how he knew the guy (I can't imagine that from his perspective!). He made mention of how he had known us both about the same amount of time and didn't want to get involved as though it were some kind of disagreement!

A young woman at work (my workplace was unfortunately involved) made a comment "How does something like that even happen?!" I walk away stating, "I hope you never have to find out."

I had people ask me if I had provoked it, had others ask me if I wanted them to shoot him, the detective even tried to get me to re-enact it. The law sent were only males as if that made any sense at all!

We had been drinking that night. My friend that was there didn't remember the details correctly and gave the police misinformation. I don't hold it against her but it may have kept him from being locked up because our stories didn't exactly match.

There was interaction between this man and I. I invited him into my home. He kissed me at one point and I pushed him back gently. I told him he had gotten the wrong idea and after that he behaved until the rape unfortunately.

Looking back, I wish of course that I had never let him into my home. I wish I had made him go after the kiss. I wish a lot of things. However, I have dealt with the rape itself as much as one can. What I did NOT realize is I had compartmentalized the reaction of those around me during the aftermath.

In class today, we were doing our end of semester presentations. One chapter deals with rape. The presentation after my group got a little deep with the details and the man covering the chapter that deals with rape also did an annotation about the subject. He mentioned how often times women are accused of provoking it and how most people don't even come forward. Again, in retrospect, I can see why so many are silent!

I began shaking and crying hysterically in class. Seated in one of the farthest points from the door, in the middle of someone else's presentation I was forced to remain, sharing the depths of my soul with my classmates.

So many women offered support in that moment, and I have to admit it was incredibly cathartic. I called Paulie after class and realized that I had shut off so much of myself in the last year and a half not even realizing the way I had hidden it from my view. It is a lot to carry around.

As I was walking toward the library to write this out of me, I noticed the sparkles in the concrete. I have always been mesmerized by them. I realized I had become like this. My skin was concrete. Concrete with sparkles.

On my thirtieth birthday, my grandmother, Diane, gave me a set of perfume and sparkle powder by Mariah Carey. I had always given Rachael a very hard time about the glitter she left in her wake. I began wearing it any time I took the stage. My grandmother had always supported my music and to me, it was like having her with me on stage.

Since she passed away, I now wear it every day. It is my way of always having her with me.

Paul is the reason I got the steel down my spine. He is the reason I have the strength I have today. And well my grandmother is my sparkle. Concrete with sparkles. Women of strength.

Ann-I-Vers-ary

Three years of living alone is right around the corner! It has been quite the journey. It began on New Year's Eve, my first alone, three years ago. Bottle of three dollar red wine (Lucky Duck Shiraz- not too shabby), and my music collection, and the action of putting my new apartment together. My sister and family really wanted to make sure I really wanted to be alone. I really did. I remember putting everything where I wanted it and realizing it was actually going to stay there!

There are obviously things I miss about family. I miss Paul and Anny every day. I miss love. Holding hands. Romance. Dinners and dreams shared. But, I really realized last night...I like this living alone thing!

I had a friend stay the night in my bed. The middle of the bed was apparently the only place his body longed to be. He slept restlessly and tossed every time I was sliding into sleep. I went to the couch. The fish tank was too loud. So, I came and did a couple hours of Spanish Lab homework online. Around three thirty I tried again. Around four, just about to drift off, his alarm woke me. I went back to sleep after he left. I was supposed to get up around six and overslept till just after seven! Yikes, I had to be on campus in less than thirty.

He felt bad of course. His dreams had kept him restless. Perhaps, I should have pushed him to the far side of the bed. It's been a while since I've shared my bed with anyone on any regular basis. I realized, I have arrived to a point in my life where not only do I know what I want and need in life, I am also willing to sacrifice what needs to be forsaken to make it happen.

My home is comfortable and decorated with much passion by someone (me) who has worked very hard to earn a living while living alone, attending university and working a full time job. It has been a very important three years of my life.

Yesterday, I hit a wall, not only because of the end of semester but because personal items of concern I am confronting right now.

Those of you that know me best, know that I face a daily challenge in the area of love in a very complex and challenging situation. This relationship has made me face parts of my self that I very much needed to bring to the surface.

I am not a chess piece. I honor the wealth and vibration of my own soul. I sleep in peace (most of the time...lol) at night. I am on a mission! I do not want to be labelled, qualified or organized into a pretty package by anyone. There have been many in my life who have offered to the wellspring of my existence. I am unorthodox. I am true to myself. I am just a girl doing her best to live an extraordinary life.

Sex, love, life, money, school, houses, bills, travel and all the things that a thirty six year old woman would be thinking about...well, I am still thinking about it, but from my own perspective.

This brand of love tattooed across my chest is truly no misnomer. I believe in Agape love with all of my being.

As a Psychology major we study culture, social dynamics and biodiversity factors in a ever augmenting structure of values and goals. Society is made up largely of people who are comfortable remaining in the standard deviation. Those few of us who are outliers relish in being complex characters with other avenues of success than the norms society offers us. There are leaders among every population, on every continent, from every decade. Be true to yourself. Don't be afraid to shine. Stand tall and follow the calling only your soul knows.

There is probably not one among us who can honestly say that what others think of them does not factor into their schema of who they believe themselves to be. Whether it is parents, siblings, best friends, lovers, media, peers, or the random glare of a judgmental stranger, we are all affected by the perception of others about who we appear to be.

I love thirty six! I am just about to stand up and claim my sovereignty. I am just about to rise and say, I am me. I love me. I am not ashamed of me. Please love me because I am beautiful just as I am. We all have room for growth and I intend to continue to grow daily, exponentially for the rest of my life.

There is still much to be accomplished in this end of semester leg of the journey. Adieu for now and more on this chapter closing later.

Thank you all for your continued love and support and faith in all the I am still to become. All that I am. All that we are: Together!