April Update.

As you all know, I gave away and sold everything that I owned expecting to be accepted in the Peace Corps for an assignment in South Africa teaching English. I would have also learned Swahili and would have been afforded the trip to go to a country rich with history and struggle and would have been able to walk some of the same steps that Mandela walked. I moved back home to Rochester and for the first month was treated like and lived like a Queen. Being back in the same basement I was when my life fell apart in 2011 had me facing some of the same thoughts I had and some of the same emotions. I reflected on all that I had accomplished alive with hope. Ready for the journey. I was not accepted for the position and though the Peace Corps has repeatedly invited me to try for other positions, I interpreted not being sent as a sign that it was not meant for me to go. Africa is certainly calling me, and I know my work will take me there under different, more appropriate parameters. I was daunted however. I mean, I gave away my piano! I sold my rig (keys, amp, stand, bench, case, cables...) which I have had since I was 19! I bought it at the House of Guitars right down the street from where I once again am laying my head to rest through a massive transformation in my life. I own no bed, no cookware, no furniture of any sort, and to what end? To purchase it all again? No one in my life expected me not to go (except my beautiful mother). So, I activated Plan B.

Plan B saw me accepted into the Doctoral Program of my dreams at Pacifica Graduate Institute. The goal to attain a Doctorate in Depth Psychology, CLE (Critical Community Psychology, Liberation Psychology, and Eco-Psychology). Yesterday, As Kamahria warned me I would find, it was made clear to me just how large the gap was between what Financial Aid can cover and what I will be responsible for by other means. Now, having no rich relative that is able to support me, I have two options that I know of so far. First, there is a Student Account department that arranges the balance in monthly or quarterly payments. Second, I can take out a Grad Plus loan. I am waiting to find out how much the monthly/quarterly payments would amount to. The Grad Plus loan is based on credit score and therefore, I am willing to bet that I am not even eligible. Once again, I am feeling daunted.

Furthermore, on a personal front, I have been really going through it! Some details I will not include (my inner circle knows). I have not been making sufficient money to even pay my bills since my arrival. I was just hired full time by Texas de Brazil and am hoping that this job is just as good to me as Seabreeze was and I am able to comfortably support myself all the way through my doctorate (that is IF the stars align for me to attain my doctorate). I do have absolute faith in the path my destiny sees me taking. I only get a couple puzzle pieces at a time. If I am not able to manage to get into Pacifica, I will activate Plan C. But that is getting ahead of myself...I really am rooting for Plan B.

I have had a lot of ghosts to face from my past life here in Rochester. I have a lot of history in this my beloved city. I have made some tragic mistakes, some significant errors in judgement, but I am able to say that I have also risen above some of the sins I have struggled with for what feels like centuries. I am transforming yet again, and if I say I have faith, then I must show it. I have been homeless, beaten, raped, so whether it is plan C, D, E, F, G or Z... I will follow the path of my destiny.

I would like to take a moment and thank every family member, every close friend, every fan, follower, fellow sojourner, supporter for offering me love and support every step of the way. It has been a turbulent ride for me the past couple months. However, there have been many amazing stories to tell along the way. I love my life and am grateful for even the toughest of times because it is these times where we truly get to show whether or not our soul is committed to Truth, whether or not we will be victorious. I am no ordinary woman. I have many to thank for helping me find every next version of me. I will first and foremost always thank my mother and father, Judy and Robert, for giving me every good thing they knew how to give. I know not where the next step might be but I do know the power of my destiny. I am humbled by the journey, honored by this gift, LIFE!

Indelible (4-11-16)

It gets hard inside a head sometimes
Lines drawn never to be crossed
Later erased and replaced by polka dots
Spot on in significance at the time
Later looking faulty by design
Sign over symptom and song ever carries
Reassessing my bearings
Scary though how some people change
How inner circle becomes
Those farthest away
Swaying side by side
This sunlit day
Reminding myself why I came
The first place
The first taste
The first cut
The first space to be erased
These pencil lines seem
Indelible at the time
But eventually everything drawn
Swims into brand new perspective
I respect this more
Than I have ever taken time to say
And I love you more
Different
Each and every day
Sign over symptom
Imperfect by design
Time marches on
Without lines to define
This space

Parameters

I wait
Anticipating greatness
Constancy
Constantly evolving me
Whispering
Sweet nothings into my darkness
Boasting great promises
Of eternal love
Smug
This cocky half rising smile
We both seem to have
Arrogance
Apparent as the Moon and Sun
We run
A world that most
Will never even see
Only taste in sips
While basking in the silver screen
Movie gleam
Living lifetimes inside the space
Of a storyline
Replacing time with pantomimes
Life is pleasure, pain in measures
That hardly ever
Can be adequately explained
You can not contain me in this place
Parameters undefined
I am yours and you are mine
In ways we have never known before
Scores of music played
In basement forgotten waves
Saying words meant to be said
To no one else but you

Pacific Time

I received my official acceptance letter in the mail today for the doctoral program of my choice at Pacifica Graduate Institute. To complete registration, I need to come up with $250 by the 30th. As many of you know, I have not been able to land the right job since my return home. I am not making enough money. I am barely making enough to pay for groceries and gas. Luckily I was able to use my tax money to travel to Chicago for Kamahria's dance for Ryan, and travel to Charleston for Rachel & Tim's wedding, but I have no hidden jackpots left. I have a lot of feelers out around the city and have been putting in application after application. I also will be going down to City Hall tomorrow to apply for every job my Bachelor's Degree qualifies me for. Please keep me in your thoughts, prayers and meditations that I may find the right spot where I can once again take excellent care of myself, pay my bills, and fly out once per month when classes begin. This is a really hard spot for me and I have been under an intense amount of emotional pressure since my return. I am facing a lot right now, growing tremendously and please continue to show me the love and support each and every one of you is so famous for.

Love & Light,
Rain.

By The River (Agape Armageddon Towns)

I was born by a river
It was called the Genesee
Just like that river
The Hudson
And Mississippi
My city's polluting me

Females, foes and friends all hatin'
Seems my niggas be shootin' me.
It's been a long,
A long time running...
Running in shackles made for three.
And I know someday I will break free.

See, I was born at night.
Right under a full blue moon.
At exactly nine pm.
Not a minute after or too soon.
So excuse the likeness of a Lyken
Cause ware-wolf is in my blood
Used to run in packs just like ewe wood.
Now I'm a lone wolf just like I should.
Doggy-styled whatever bitch I could.
Devoured prey.
Wherever I may;
Since I was always up to no good.
Howled at the Moon all night in every single hood.

It's been a long...
A long time Stunting,
Stunting in Diamond chains of slavery.
And I sold my soul just so I could pay me.

Its been hella-hard living
And I can't wait to die.

I keep two middle fingers blazing high,
"Fuck" whatever's up there beyond the sky
Cause, I'm certain GOD walk's with me;
Through this Hell with every stride
I saw Hym and Myh own reflection,
Peering through these teary window-pained eyes.
Still I know someday, that a change is due to come.
But I'm so damn reluctant to be the changing one.

I once made a "Face-Time" Movie.
In it, she was going Downtown.
A Hilton bred hood groupie.
Turned Liberty Pole porn star now.
Until the great day came,
That she'd made that great claim;
That she was pregnant,
So I got two steppin'
You know I could not stick around.

I sent that film out as a text,
YouTubed to be a chauvinistic world.
Now my ex-girl, only gets
Misogynistic nick-names for her self and her every pearl.
Yet, we both know how, somebody has to cum.

It's been a long...
Long time fronting.
Fronting for flawless Jezebels to lay in my sheets.
The Adversity I Don't Sense is,
AIDS rushing my River bed to Sea.

Then I go to my lil brotha
and my lil brotha said, "Big Bro. Help me, Please."
So we devised a plan,
Masked up with gun in hand, and
Put mutha-fuckas down on  their knees
Oh!
But when shit hit the fan,
Lil' Brotha took a Bible to his stand,
Cops came, he copped a "Plea".
Now, he'll get his program,
And I've got seventeen before I'm free.

And I still don't know my existence
Life's path is only blocked with resistance.
Yet, I can "almost" cee half the distance,
"Almost" like 120 degrees times three.

Well its been a long...
A long time gunning,
gunning down Negros in these streets.
And if I can't change now?
I'll die the death a slave should meet.

Tidal Wave!

First, I would like to take the time to thank everyone who has offered me support. It has come from even the most surprising of sources. I am profoundly blessed to have so many good people lifting me up right now.

So many of you have been following my abstract posts and poetic phrases via social media. So many of you have reached out and asked if I am okay. So many of you have received vague answers and for that I must apologize but stick to my stance. I have grown in the last four years of living alone in my own space with my own conditions. I have realized that sometimes my "open book persona" really adds fuel to the wrong fire. I have always been wide open on the mic, offering the best and worst of my soul and as I received catharsis, my audience received my life story. Things have changed. There are things I now realize are more sacred silent.

That being said, I am going to offer explanation to the depth that I am willing to share. There is much going on underneath the surface of me ever since my return to Rochester. I am only asking that you all allow me my privacy and continue to send me love & light as I make some of the toughest decisions of my life.

Here I sit, in the same basement that caught me in 2010/11 when my whole life literally fell apart. I mean, I usually only give people five of the eighteen things that happened to me during that time (figurative numbers) but let me recount what led me to this place. Paul and I were breaking up as we lost the house on Dix Street we were trying to remodel and sell. My dog ran away: twice, and the second time I did not get her back! My grandparents died within months of one another. Paul's mother died about the same time. My ex-fiancée/childhood sweetheart passed away in a tragic car accident with his nine year old son, Nathan. My ex-husbands parents passed away and I was not welcome to the funeral. My entire music collection was wiped out due to a misunderstanding of how technology worked. Some of that music I will never be able to retrieve. I could keep going, but I am pretty certain you get the point.

Vickie and Erik were kind enough to allow me to move in to their finished basement and call it home till I was able to make my next move. I released my first album at this time, "After the Rain". It was quite poignant because the title track, After the Rain, was dedicated to Stephen Carl Thompson, my childhood sweetheart who passed away. I wrote the song to him when I was fifteen, and the timing was penetrating and viciously painful. My grandmother, perhaps my greatest fan, was said to listen to the album on repeat until her death at the young age of 69. In the middle of all this swirling crisis, I heard loud and clear to return to the Tampa area (to my family) and return to school. Toward the end of 2011, I did just that. I stayed with my sister Cassi and her husband and family for about a month and got my very first place on my own at the apartment complex my sister managed, Winding Lane.

After two years, I graduated with my Associates Degree from Saint Petersburg College in Clearwater, Florida. My last semester I had moved into a cute two bedroom house in Gulfport, Florida. I enrolled at the University of South Florida, St. Pete, and began work on my Bachelor's degree. December 2015 saw me graduate Cum Laude with a Degree in Psychology, Honors College. My thesis made waves across the campus and my professors were happy to see me graduate, but sad to see me leave. I sold what I could and gave away what I could not, and packed up my truck on New Year's Eve to return to the Great White North. The Peace Corps was calling, and no one doubted that I would be accepted.

The plan was to return to Rochester, catch up with good friends and await my assignment to South Africa with the Peace Corps. Everyone was certain the Peace Corps was going to accept me. I was a strong candidate. There was however this nagging feeling in my chest, and they did not accept me. They said I was a strong candidate and to apply for other positions. But I believe that it was a sign this was simply not for me. So, here I am in the same basement figuring my life out all over again. Here I am in the same city with the same stories I had when I left. Here I am realizing that there is a destined path and it is going to take some work to figure out the next move.

I was recently accepted into the Doctoral Program of my choice at Pacifica. There were some factors I did not understand correctly. The program meets only once per month for three days. We have a place to stay for those three days but not the rest of the month. Rent in Santa Barbara is quite high, so now I am faced with another grand decision. Do I stay in the Roc and fly out once per month for classes or do I move as close as I can to campus at a reasonable rate and live in California while I attain my degree?

Rochester and I have a long and sordid history. I have so many people here to which I am inextricably connected. That kind of depth in a city may make it hard to attain a doctorate while residing here in the Rochester. However, that kind of depth can make it the exactly right place to begin my work. So, I am currently considering my options. I know the right answer will certainly come to me, but please be patient as I wade these tumultuous waters and try to understand what is meant to be seen.

I have no bed. No piano. No anything. Heck, I even gave up half my shoe game. Everything has changed. But somehow in this basement, I wonder am I really different than I was when I left it, or am I just the same? It's been really deep for me, and I don't expect anyone to have magical answers. I do appreciate all the love and support. I know me. I will find the way. This is just the most major transition I have ever known.

That is one of the several things going on, and even though I cannot share the rest, I hope you all will understand that I will find the way, I will be okay, and I have tons of faith in the power of my destiny! Please continue to lift me up to the light, to send me love and energy, to know I will be all right, and together, we can make the difference we wish to become.

~Lady RAin

Communication Breakdown

I have come to realize that times have changed and when it comes to communication I am the oddball! It always saddens me that with the advent of the digital age, came this growing lack in communication skills. It seems it should have been the other way around. I will admit that I can be quite verbose (something I am certainly working on) but if you say you are going to do a thing, you should do it. If for some very good reason you cannot, you should connect with the people it involves and explain why you cannot.

Multiple times this week alone, people that I love very much have made plans with me and did not follow through. Now, I am grown and completely understand that things happen to impede the desired flow. I have no problem when plans get cancelled. What I truly do have a problem with is when someone makes plans with me, and I sit at home waiting for that phone call, that event to begin. I have a lot of friends in this city, and I do not prefer to sit still. If you cannot keep our plans, coolio, just let me know so I can do something else with my life.

There are obviously times when people fall asleep, their phone dies, car breaks down, they are hospitalized, and they are readily forgiven the lack of communication. I had plans with someone Sunday morning. Pretty important plans, and still have yet to have heard from this person. I love this person very much and we go WAY back! So, now I am worried, did something happen? This can all be alleviated by a text or phone call which could easily take 13 seconds or less...

In this day and age of mass involvement with social media, digital devices and instant messengers, please don't forget to be old school and communicate effectively. I have lots of important things to do with my time. If I care enough about you to not make other plans, please care enough about me to reach out when said plans must fall through. Is that really too much to ask?

Pacfic Time!

As most of you know I was accepted into the doctoral program of my choosing this week! The program begins at Pacifica Graduate Institute this October. Kamahria did some research for me and apartments in that area run about $4000/month. Classes only meet for the program three days per month and board is provided but only for that time. The rest of the month is spent in reading and assignments. It seems that staying here in my home community and flying out once per month makes the most sense. Right now, that is the direction I am leaning in. So, I thought, what is the best job that a woman who needs to fly once per month could go for, ding ding, yep, something with the airlines. So, I am about to apply for everything airline. As much as I love the company I am currently working for, I am not making the money I am used to, and I am certainly not making enough to pay bills. I will once again say how incredibly grateful I am for my close friends. One of which just paid my cell bill for the month, which was unfortunately past due.

Following that train of thought, I need a job that will pay for a small apartment, and the couple minor bills that I have like my cell and my car insurance. I am looking preferably for a one bedroom first floor apartment where I can have a piano (PLEASE!) and a quiet place to read and study for my doctoral degree. I also will work on some grant writing so I may begin my ministry in my community. This is home. This is the place I love. This is where I see myself beginning my work. I am asking that you all band together and lift me up to the light. I will only walk through the right open doors and desire only to make the very best of me in this life.

Thank you all for your constant love and support. I will keep you posted on my next moves.

Upward. Onward.
RAin Christi.