Screwdrivers & Pantyhose

Chapter One: Questions

          After reading “The Why Café” by John P. Strelecky, I found myself musing over personalized variations of the three main questions of his masterpiece:

·         Why am I here?

·         Do I fear death?

·         Am I fulfilled?

I could not silence the questions as they resonated deep within my psyche moving me to mull over them again and again and again. I went to the store to purchase some items that I needed for my pantry. I drank a couple shots of Espolon Tequila Blanco left in my freezer by a coworker after my graduation party. The silence never came.

          Next, I tried to silence their inquiry by watching a fantastic film that brought me to tears, made me shout at the television in resolution, and pray for my ability to aid our planet in finding a brighter day. “Tears of the Sun” with Bruce Willis moved me deeply and still as it was finished I found myself fighting to evade the strength of these questions.

·         Why am I here?

·         Do I fear death?

·         Am I fulfilled?

So many people have heard my stories and suggested that I sit down and commit to writing a book, yet the time never seemed correct until now. I believe it only appropriate to begin with the story that led to the title of this collection of thoughts, “Screwdrivers and Pantyhose”.

          I must admit that I lead an enchanted life. I experience so many serendipitous happenings every day that I find never enough time to tell the tale of them all. I am grateful for the blessing of my life. One sunshine filled Sunday I was waiting tables on the bay and this particularly trying “Lemony snicket series” began to unravel my spiritual composure. For those of you who have not seen “Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events” with Jim Carey and Meryl Streep, I recommend it highly. Since my introduction to the movie, I have lovingly adopted the phrase “lemony snicket” to express a negative or strange series of unfolding events.

          As any spiritual being would, I intend to remain centered and evolve through my daily existence accordingly. Sometimes, I falter. This series of events was particularly trying. As any waiter knows, rhythm is of the utmost importance to offering excellent service to guests. If your kitchen, your bartender, your food runner, your hostess, your management, your busser or any other intricate part of the mechanism falters, you must adjust your pace in order to continue to offer the type of service that allows for happy guests and excellent tips. Should you be short staffed and working to fulfill the energy another employee would have satisfied things can become even more trying.

          Standing in the middle of our patio, sun reflecting off the water, forever the promise of the arrival of dolphins, chaos began to unfold his wings. I cringed. I know myself. I am very strong, but I allow anxiety to over-ride my strength far too often. I become the ugliest part of myself, and I don’t like me! It seems that no matter how many times I promise not to allow this to happen, I still find myself far from spiritual center, caustic and angry, and feeling guilty for not portraying the best of me.

          As my lemony snicket series arrived at its culmination, I was at the height of my “dark side”. I was ready to bite my customers head off for something as simple as asking for hot sauce. I was ashamed of myself. She reached for her purse and opened it to procure some item or another. I didn’t mean to be nosey but inside I saw a couple screwdrivers and several plastic bubble containers with pantyhose inside. I couldn’t contain my laughter. I had failed the test but the universe was already painting my forgiveness across the sky. She looked up at me to see the origination of my laughter. I said I had never imagined a purse would contain screwdrivers and pantyhose, and she must have had “some night” last night. She was thankfully laughing with me and furthered our mischief by withdrawing the screwdrivers from the purse and tapping them together. I asked her if I could hold them. She was confounded but allowed it. I tapped them together, and said, “Dorothy, I just wanted to make sure we were still in Kansas.” After which I handed them back and she gave me a bubble filled with pantyhose. I put them in my apron not sure how to take this message from the Universe except that it was definitely time to lighten up and laugh at myself.

          In a world filled with poverty & war, hunger & disease, murder & rape, it is often hard to imagine what difference one soul can make. The fact remains, one soul can. It is upon this foundation that I begin the answering of the three questions that refuse to leave me alone.

Timed Cadence and Lemony Snickett Birthday!

I would like to begin with a couple nights ago. A girl that just began working at Seabreeze blessed me with an Oreo cheesecake for my birthday. Complete with whip cream, we shared the slice and it was a nice way to begin my birthday celebration. Since then, my mother broke into my house! Hilarious, I know. But truly she gave me a hefty alarm while I was writing an imperative letter she began to let herself into my home. I jumped up, slammed the door shut and locked the deadbolt, demanding to know who it was. My mother says timidly, "It's me, honey". She thought I would be on campus and had brought my traditional strawberry shortcake and a Kindle for my birthday. Go mom! We spent some time together and she watched me take care of the fish tank and feed them. She was just as fascinated with some of their behaviors as am I. I love spending time with my mother.

Yesterday, I had a class and upon exiting my car in the parking garage, a tall dark, handsome gentleman stepped in time with me. One of the young drivers came swerving around the corner too fast and he sidestepped large in my direction. We smiled. He said, "That would have been uncomfortable!" The temperature increased. As we began our descent in the stairwell, we allowed our steps to fall in perfect meter with one another. I noticed we were watching eachother's feet. What would happen if we made eye contact? I felt like I knew him. I couldn't place it. Past life, perhaps. Who knows? We said good night and went separate ways. When I arrived at the main corridor, he was a few paces ahead of me. Who knows what conversations we would have had?

After class, last night, My friend Diana offered to buy me dinner on my birthday eve. I accepted. It was also Tommy King's first night back and a pretty big deal. I ate my meal at Seabreeze, spent some time with Tommy King, and headed home. I was missing Rochester (too many people to metion) and Kamahria and Asia and all my closest peeps. Not lonely, but a little removed. I began writing Agape a letter and Cali calls. We had a great conversation. Another call comes in and perhaps I shouldn't have taken it, but I did.

Him. My three years of laying next to you, not just a booty call but not your lady either...Him. Shoes on his feet and sheets on his bed with fish in my tank that could tell stories if they could talk. Him. He who wants (and in all fairness has some good reasons) no one to know about our "whatever it is". Him. He who I have run to in the middle of the night every time he has called me in three years. Him.

As you all know I chose to become celibate until graduation. And don't think that means that on graduation just any amazingly beautiful black man will be invited back to my place for a good time. Kamaharia said a phrase that became a theme that became a song that sings poetry to me every day as I say "no" to these beautiful men in my life. The Last Man Standing. And perhaps, I will go another year. And another. Who knows? The point is, I have a purpose and I am doing something I am proud of to combat some tendencies I have always had about me that have often led me astray.

Anyway, HE is yelling at me for something that happened months ago. I am sad. It is my birthday. I know he cares about me and I say this, "I wish you could just say it". He says, "Say what?" I say, "just tell me how you feel. You never made me your girl but obviously I matter to you". Silence. "I don't want to upset you on your birthday." I said, "take me to breakfast". More silence. I just don't know why we have allowed our relationships to slide so far in this culture. What happened to honesty being beautiful and love being spoken? I know he loves me and he has showed it in many ways. But, I am currently celibate and whether or not he ever believes me in areas I know to be solid truth, I cannot control. So, I let go. I didn't cry myself to sleep. I sighed. I tossed. Then I found peace. Then I slept.

This morning, I woke to so many shout outs of love for me on my sacred day. I have so many amazing people in my life and no matter the troubles I have seen with people who just don't know how to express their emotions, I cannot and will not give up on people. I love people. I love love. I love me. I love growth. I love free. This road I have chosen never lied to me and said it would be easy. Here we go!

As I left my home, I saw something I have never seen in my life, a cluster of bees thousands strong on the wall of the abandoned garage in the yard behind me. I took a picture (with the window up of course) for any of you who would like to see, check it out on Instagram.

Then, I stopped to get gas and a mango smoothie. My friend Melissa comes up and hugs me and says happy birthday and buys my smoothie for me. So grateful!

My birthday, as anyone who knows me would have surely guessed, has been enchanting so far and full of adventure!

And I know deep in my heart the words he is trying to say. I wish he could. But since he cannot, I will hold him sacred to my breast and let the anger of the words he DID say slip away. "The Peace that passes all understanding..."

So I played Genius Loves Company by Ray Charles & friends...great album...on my way to campus. I felt he was singing just for me. Happy Birthday to me!

I just spoke to my Adviser and had him sign off on the trip to Hanoi. The process is well in motion and I am excited for the rest of the journey toward the culmination of me walking across that stage at graduation!

I love my life!

Moment

He slid his hands into my jeans
And grabbed the top of my ass
And I let him
I stood in that moment
Breathed it in and owned it
Honed in all my senses
As I aimed my soul in his direction
His strong hands offered me protection
As they wiped away my tears
And years of pain
His erection pressed against me
As if that was the only decision
I would ever have to make
He said "I wish I knew how to beg"
"But I never had to learn"
The way his eyes met mine
My mercury began to burn
The yearning became so strong
I tried to run away
The floodgates now wide open
He held me against his chest
His strength became my safety
And how I truly wept
The waterfall subsided
No more was there the pain
And in his eyes reflection
I danced inside the rain

Bass Weight

My heart sticks in the back of my throat

Staring at the green light

Edge to the forefront

I skirt around the issue

I never saw the train coming

And now I hear it whistle its way through the distance

Resistance to the criticism

Keeps you facing a false reflection

Wasting weight

Wasting time

Size over symptom

Breast rest on the knees of the natives

We are strapped to the teeth

Afraid to fall apart

I could lay at the knees of the beast

Yeah, his nectar is so sweet

Complete my most richly sensuous fantasy

Demand money and time and rapport 

“Will you still love me

When I am no longer young and beautiful?”

Great Gatsby

Loved to live it up

I am eighty eight pieces of a puzzle

Black ivory elegance

Pressing from the in between the lines

Sublime messages

Detective of blessings

Headed in my direction

I am your spiritual protection

“no sins as long as there’s permission”

Gatsby rode a big yellow car

Stars over Broadway

We all do it our way

“That’s something that the pastor don’t preach”

Perceptions of reality to you and me

With our separate vocabularies

Respective of our separate destinies

Speak to me

I’m listening

You’re giving me direction now

I care about you

Do you care about me?

The Great Gatsby

The Story hung on me like the most terrible hangover. Many doors opened but the weight of it was hard to render into words. Sights seen and responses heard vary to every viewer. The power of a movie over me as though the version of me that sat in the seat while the beginning introduced us to the characters was not the same as the version of me that left bewildered by the time credits rolled. The old woman’s soul who responded to my breath as we left could not explain how much I disdained the way the story came to a close. Much like we closed the door to the car only to travel as far as she letting me off to wander the sidewalk to my door. I could not break another heart. I started remembering the beginning of every story I had walked my clumsy way through. I viewed the “you” inside the truth. The perception is all we have left when breast has become bereft and all that is cleft has been torn asunder. I wonder why love has to hurt so much. And I truly believe that we all would see that it was only worth it if it leaves us in one piece. Pieces of the puzzle turned to rubble when children lose fathers and daughters lose mothers. We seem to uncover the mystery in someone else’s eyes. Cries left unheard. We unearth dark waters in the passage of an ocean liner. Inside winding its confident way: our destiny remembers all we are about to do and say. What volition will I follow today? I am the weeping of your deepest untold secret. I am the marking of your flesh when the pain is all you have left. I am the soft melody of my nieces first stroke of my piano. I am the soprano in your voice when you have no choice left but to sing. Sing for all it is worth because the music is our birth. We are the rapid rising of the rain after all the waters of the heaven have chosen to fall again. I am beaten up and maintained by the love in your eyes for me. Why do we choose to ignore the alternative? Why do we refuse to give it our best because the left fork in the road consumes the marrow of our soul? We roll on out of control wondering what blessings this path might bestow? I am holding back nothing. I am the truth in the speaking. I am the reaping of the season. I am the heathen who is aware of all they are about to lose. I choose you. Where does that leave us?

My response.

Even among cohorts with similar backgrounds, parallel vocabularies, common visions, communication can often become a challenge. Sometimes, I feel the more knowledge we gain, the harder true communication may become. Life Malcolm recently told me that he would rather speak slowly and place the weight of each word correctly than mesmerize someone with the speed of his lyricism and be misunderstood. He really impressed upon me this goal of choosing my words as carefully as possible. I have been going through several situations that have made me face this same lesson. People are never going to see us the way we see ourselves but any leader or public figure must be cautious about their image. I have been thinking about what I appear to be to those around me. I hear feedback constantly since my destiny has placed me on stage, with a mic, in the public eye.

Our beliefs, our history, our experience, our temperament, our spiritual posture, our psychological state, our vocabulary, our culture, (and the list goes on) all factor in to how we perceive the world around us, how we interpret the diction of those we engage in conversation, how we digest the media, and how we impact those lives we come in contact with.

Many years ago I read and later re-read "The Celestine Prophecy" by James Redfield. It was a well-written book regarding synchronicity in life and paying attention to the messages we receive. It also spoke of things such as energy in conversation. Most of us know that a large portion of our population only are silent when waiting to speak. This is not to be confused with active listening. Energy in a conversation has transference. It shifts and flows with the spiritual energy of the conversation and the next person should feel their moment to speak. Each participant in a conversation (as reinforced by my studies in Psychology) should listen actively, present only pertinent information to the flow of the conversation and wait for their turn to speak. This action of active listening truly allows the connectivity between our souls to flourish causing all engaged by the conversation to walk way energized and fresh!

Although my thoughts may find a moment of fluid and eloquent delivery, what are the several people listening to my words making of my speech?

I tend to take up a lot of space. My inner circle is patient because they know my heart is pure in its approach. I have this exuberant passion for my life and have so many brilliant stories to share. I often end up feeling selfish when I haven't seen one of my soul-mates in a while and fill up the conversation with my voice. I am very sensitive to this aspect of my presence.

Lately, one of the souls closest to my own has been really lashing out at me. Most of you know I am pretty gentle until antagonized and am very volatile when provoked. I try to never speak words I will regret. I try to fill my speech with love focusing on the exponential potential of every being I converse with. From my perspective, we all have darkness and light within our souls. It works as a sort of alchemy. A yin-yang. An obstacle and overcome process. We all have the moment by moment decision to proceed in whichever direction we choose.

A lot of my recent experiences have led me to really challenge myself to my next level of communication. I am really focusing on those statistics we learned in Sociology. 55% of your communication is body language. 38% tone of voice. Only 7% is related to the actual words you are speaking. It is incredible to me as a lyricist and oracle that my words hold such a small percentage within the construct of communication. I am striving forward. I know that I have an intensity, a caustic edge, a sharp tongue, and condescending way about me at times. I am ever working on becoming more gentle, more loving, more careful with my tone and my posture.

I was told recently that I "was lost" that I "didn't know who I was without all my 'soulmates' to reflect in". I was told that I "was selfish". I was told I had a "bunch of lame friends". I was told that "all my past relationship were messed up situations". I was told many things I am trying to render considering the source.

I assure you I know who I am, where I am going and why I am here. I believe myself to be exactly where I am meant to be at this moment in time. I believe that I offer the best of myself in order to move forward in my path and honor the calling of my destiny. I do not believe myself to be perfect or more important than any one else. I do believe that I am and will continue to be a leader in this dawning of new thought, new culture that is rapidly growing in exponential waves across this globe. I am grateful for every relationship I have ever had, and though yes, I have made mistakes, I do not regret any love I have ever held in these two hands. I am a teacher, sure. Those of you that know me best also know that I am a student of the Universe first. I am constantly striving for the mark, pressing forward, encouraging myself and others to be the best we can be.

I am honored to be surrounded by some of the most amazing people in the world. I have so many souls dear to mine on this planet. Love is eternal. Lust is fleeting. The reason I am close with most of what others would call ex's is because I LOVE them. Each love I have ever fostered in this sacred breast has led me to the next stage of development in my spiritual existence. I could not be the woman I am without any of them. I know that is hard for current friends and loves to understand about me. I get that. I cannot apologize for who I am . I am proud of me. I am excited to see the woman I will become.

To all of you who are in my inner circle, I thank you. For allowing me the space to be me. For breathing new life and love into me every day. For supporting me in every way. For holding me against the pain. For showing me the courage to rise again like a Phoenix from the flame.

Yes, I tattooed this Agape across my chest for Agape Armageddon Towns. I wanted the world according to that courtroom to see where my loyalty stood. I wanted our Rochester Community to realize that no matter what one of us does, we were meant to stick together. Love in the Agape sense of the word can overcome all things. It is courageous and never dies! It loves someone "as is" while encouraging them to be the best version of themselves. The word has sunk deep into my breast-bone. It has sparked many conversations. It has become more than just his name. I love Agape with Agape love and that very love has become me. I grow into this tattoo a little more daily. The response of the general public (and the response of my inner circle) to this tattoo could be a remarkable social experiment. I should begin documentation and actually do intend to write a book (with Agape's collaboration) "The Letters Across my Chest". It has been significant.

Love is eternal. Love is kind. Love is not blind, but it does allow space for growth. Love has no human parameters. Love appears in many different formats: Brotherly love (Philos/Philadelphia). Maternal love. Paternal love. Lust (Eros). Agape (unconditional love).

I was recently told that I could keep my god(s) of mystery. I need to clarify. I don't believe in God in the sense of an almighty, all-powerful being in the sky watching over us in the Christian sense. I also do not offer anything other than respect for another person's belief system. I see "God" as an energy that runs through all living things. This life force has the power to create, destroy, love, hate, move, stagnate, and is far beyond our realm of complete comprehension. It is the wind in the trees and the trees itself. It is the Sun and the Moon. The Rivers and the Ocean. The birth of a child and the murder of a friend. I see "God" as the Great Mystery. By this I mean that I do not pretend to know everything. I believe I am a part of the Divine Essence along with every other living thing. I do not pretend to be God. I have respect for Mother Nature and the laws of physics. I strive to become more tapped into this source every day. I listen to the wind, I work on my flaws. I follow the course of my soul. You all know I love the principle of Taoism, Wu Wei. To become and flow like water. I am a Pisces and my name is Rain! In ancient and mystic Judaism, the Tanakh offers very clearly that a name for the Divine should not be offered or spoken. It was a communion only the individual soul could render. The idea was that our human comprehension was no match for the infinite realm of the eternal life source. The name was not meant to be uttered. The soul was meant to communicate in humble relativity to our part in this intricate play. To me that makes a lot of sense. Once you label the Force that runs within us all God, Allah, Yahweh or any other black and white name, it limits the perception of the unexplainable into the realm of our human definitions. I prefer to believe that while I learn more daily, there are aspects of this universe I will never understand.

I was accused of being an atheist recently, and it really shocked me. I feel that my daily diction offers evidence that I do believe we are all connected to not only a life source but to one another as well. I feel that as far as we have come on allowing others to express their beliefs, we still have a long way to go toward understanding one another. That is my grandest vision and within the four walls of Cadence House I will begin my center. I wish to allow all ethnicities, cultures, sexual preferences, belief systems, education and income levels to enter in order to harmonize with others seeking to reach their highest potential. This is my life's work.

Again, I thank you all for allowing me my soap box, for supporting my education, for standing beside me and striving to reach our highest self. March on. The road is long and the body tired, but the spirit is ever ready to press forward.

It is our time to rise.

~RAin.

Synchronicity!

My life constantly amazes me! I already shared what a strange yet beautiful day yesterday was. The man I have been sleeping beside for three years called me this morning and I always love especially when he calls me first thing in the morning. Due to my late arrival to my bed in the wee hours of this morning I emailed Molly to let her know I would not be attending lab today. After my beautiful companion called me, I started coffee and emailed her to let her know what the heck, I was up, and I would find my way to the lab by ten. That intriguing chocolate man called me back again and I was overjoyed to hear his voice for a second time this morning. As you all know, I swore off sex and alcohol and became vegetarian in order to focus clearly and make the large decisions I need to make by graduation. I expected a lot of people to be surprised, confused, curious about my current status. I especially was unsure how he would take it. Last night, he called and wanted my company. I didn't go. Temptation number two. I can't say it was easy, but I do recognize it is only the beginning of February. Tommy King swears I won't make it! More fuel for my flame. A lady I recently met didn't mean to offend me I am sure when she laughed and asked, "how is not having sex gonna help you spiritually?" We all know how sensitive I can be, and it definitely inflicted shock waves through my psyche. I tried to explain the power of the chakras, the redirection of energy, and the focus I felt I needed. Furthermore, I haven't gone without sex since I became sexually active at seventeen. Beyond that, I have always allowed sex to magnetize me to places and behaviors I would not normally allow. Finally, I am graduating in December, leaving the South (sorry, Mom Yippppeeeeeeee) and going overseas to serve the Peace Corps. It is the time for me to be sovereign. In the beginning of my living alone, I cried a lot. Called  Tommy. Kamahria. Kirstie. Misha. Paul (both of them). I was thinking this morning how far I really have come. It has only just begun.

Last night, as Tommy was laying on my living room carpet looking through videos of pressed fairies and talking to me in his passionate way, we began talking about December and how I would be leaving. My intention is to give to my family and friends what they want of my home and sell what is left. I will leave with only what is in my truck. I intend to drive slowly North stopping in Atlanta, Charleston, Charlotte, Raleigh, Burlington, on my way toward Rochester. I will stay and catch up with my godSun and his mother, my close friends and my city and then, I will head overseas to serve the Peace Corps before beginning my Doctoral Program in Depth Psychology at Pacifica Graduate Institute in Santa Barbara, California. I know December is still a good distance from now in some respects, yet in others it feels ever closer. I am excited!

I meet with my Director for the second time this afternoon as work on my thesis commences. I am so happy with my committee and with the new thought the onset of this work is stimulating.

This morning just after ten, I arrive to find the lab closed. At the same time, Dr. Wong (my professor for Global Conservation) had given up waiting for his class to arrive. It was supernatural timing. For those of you who don't know/remember, Dr. Wong taught a class that literally shattered all that my brain could hold, restructured my soul and sent me into the Summer an incredibly different woman. I could never repay him for the cataclysmic shock waves the knowledge he offered us in the manner he presented it really became. We had a chance to talk for the first time since his class. He asked me how my semester was going and I talked about my thesis and the video project. He completed his dissertation and officially became Doctor while teaching the class on Global Conservation. He is young and fresh, deep and spiritual, intelligent and eloquent, and he offered some advice on this next chapter of my life. The conversation was engaging and he offered his support on my thesis work and asked me to reach out and email him and include him in the narrative. I walked away full of spark.

I arrived upstairs once more to find the lab still locked. I checked my email to find Molly was ill and not coming in. She said she hoped I was not already on campus. I was amazed by the way all the interlocking pieces formed this perfect story line. I was going into my text to post on FaceBook "This synchronous existence!" only to find a text from Kamahria on synchronicity. Her moment was two friends telling her this world was her oyster within the same hour. I of course told her this named her Pearl.

I hope that all of you who read this post will keep your eyes open, listen to the wind, feel the vibration of the Earth beneath your feet, let the Sun warm your soul and realize that this life is a great mystery for those who allow it to be and it can surprise you and lift you up in the midst of the greatest turmoil.

I will never forget that moment after losing everything in Rochester and laying on my bed in Webster and asking why. Not a "fist raised to the sky in contempt" why, but a "please offer me guidance" why.

And look where that moment of clarity has led me. I believe I am exactly where I should be in this moment, and the most beautiful thing about that is realizing the journey ahead of me is going to be simply amazing.

#thisenchantedlife

~~*~~
RAin

What a long Strange Day it's been! (Jerry Garcia)

So today certainly has been a strange and beautiful day. It began with coffee with my friend Megan on USF campus. She and I exchanged gifts. She gave me this gorgeous bead-work bracelet from an Indian Reservation in Panama. It is brilliant. I absolutely love it. We sat down by the water and talked about our lives and realized that a lot of what we are going through is very similar. I think it was helpful for us both. Then, I arrived to find my eleven o'clock class had been cancelled which I was less than thrilled about. I turned in my assignment to the T.A. and decided that it was time to go over and talk to my doctor about what has been going on with my heart. I have been having palpitations, shortness of breath, sharp pain, dizzy spells, and it has really been concerning me. So, in I go. EKG taken to find there is a slight arrhythmia and the doctor would like to do some more tests since both my father and my mother have heart conditions. I won't find out till Tuesday the results. $100 and a couple hours later, I was off to eat a salad. My doctor said I need to ween myself off of caffeine which horrified me! I tried that once only to find myself with the most pounding headaches of a lifetime. Of course, that kind of made me feel like it was probably a good thing to stop using caffeine. With this year being about focusing on my return to center, and the fact that I have taken this step very seriously by swearing off alcohol, sex and became vegetarian...I feel this really falls in line. So, after the salad, I was off to get Live Lyfe '96 tattooed on my wrists in honor of Lyfe Coleman. In dedication to not allowing his life to be in vain. His murder has served as a catalyst to me and I am set on this course I have chosen. After that was a Spanish Exam which I don't feel I did very well on. I will bring my grade up by semester's end. I could probably use the help of a tutor or some of my Spanish speaking friends (Jenny Fair). Then, I arrived home to my Gobi, Shadow dead on my floor which is astounding all by itself. He is a bottom feeder and never made it above the halfway point of the tank while I was watching. There he lay dead two feet from the tank. I miss him already. I spent time working on my thesis which is daunting and titillating in one fell swoop. A visit from a friend. Some homework accomplished. Another friend on his way, and yes, THE SECOND TEMPTATION. I adore him, and three years later, I still long to lay next to him. He called me and asked me to please come over. I tried to explain why I couldn't. I think some part of him truly gets it, but the rest of him really just wants me to come over. I miss him so much. I love laying next to him. I sleep like an angel in his bed. I must prove this to myself. Tommy King reminded me tonight that he has absolutely no faith that I will make it to Graduation! Well, Tommy King, I won't accept the five hundred dollars when you lose, but I will rub it in your face for the rest of our lives. I WILL make it till December (as the old folds say, "Lord willing").

Manifest with me, strength for my physical and my emotional heart. I am moving forward, one painful and electric step at a time.