Propegolution: May 2016

This may be the hardest thing I will ever sit down to write. This may be the largest weight I have ever carried. But, I cannot take one more step carrying a cross that is not mine to carry. I cannot take one more step breathing in the fumes of someone else's lies. The truth as we know it does not always exist in plain view. I stand before you naked, raw, seeking purification, seeking to rise.

I was raised to be honest. I was taught that "honesty is the best policy". I was conditioned to believe in the best in people. I was shown my demons at a very young age and asked to rise to the challenge of setting my self free. From my perspective, we all have a moment by moment choice. We follow the darker or more primal parts of us, or we choose the light or more evolved aspects of our character. I am certainly flawed and have a couple things about myself that I really wish to rid from my being. I work hard every day on me. I take an honest look in the mirror. Anyone that knows me at all knows I am speaking the truth.

The funny thing about the truth, and honesty is it comes in many shades and shadows of the actual definition of those words. Now, before you get upset with me and stop reading, please consider what I am trying to say. A story can have an absolute beginning, middle and ending with concrete elements that actually took place. However, in the remembering of the story, in the telling of the tale, the "truth" often becomes anything but. We all know historically, the "truth" gets to be accounted by the "victor". So many "history" books contain very little to no truth. The older I get, the more I realize how perception factors in to the story of a life. Furthermore, there are parts that must be left out because they a) embarrass the one telling the story, b) embarrass someone they love, c) have legal elements that cannot be repeated, d) could get someone in trouble, or e) any number of other reasons I did not mention.

The point I am working toward is that since Agape Armageddon Towns was tried and convicted, my life has changed abruptly. I have found it harder and harder to tell my own life story. There are very few people who know the entire story. There are times I have shared portions and regretted it greatly as I have been judged, analyzed, or lectured because of the way his choices affected me. Since my return to Rochester, I have received true support from very few people. It has been quite hard for me to come home and hold my head up against the din. I have also come to full realization that so many people only have a tiny portion of our story. I am going to take the time to rectify this. I will have to say that there are unfortunately some portions that will have to be left out because they do not belong to only me, however, I will tell you all that is mine to share. I am tired of carrying this weight.

Agape and I met late in 2008. His father told me to check out his open mic at Boulder Coffee on Alexander. It was friendship at first sight. He is a good deal younger than me and at the time was about 18. His poetry was dope and his spirit was old school and we hit it off right away. I honestly didn't realize how young he was at first. But it really didn't matter, our souls had a lot to say to one another. We shared a lot of the same mics and we often rode together to and from venues. I was in a relationship when we met and so was he. He let me know early on that he was attracted to me, and although I found him attractive, I was not drawn to him that way because of his age. He just wasn't grown enough for me. People talk and a lot of people in our circle assumed we had been together, but we knew the truth and let them talk. Any of my close friends that asked were answered but other than that we didn't really address it. One night when I had broken off the relationship that I had been in when we met, I was chilling at his house on Normandy and he and I cuddled which I desperately needed. We were listening to music and as I began to get sleepy, I decided to get up and go. He leaned in to hug me goodbye and then kissed me. The kiss was nice but I had to gently push him back. I told him I was going to go. He asked me to marry him. I laughed. I said, "Towns, stop playing." He said he was serious and that when I was over anyone else I might consider to be an option for my life, he would be standing there, ready and waiting to be my husband. I laughed again, and then paused...I wasn't sure how to take it. He walked me out to my car and we didn't speak of it for some years.

Later, some time just after his twentieth birthday, we went to a show together. He had another one to do, A Black family reunion and invited me to come along and bless the mic. I laughed. He said he was serious and that after the family heard me on the mic, they would see why he had brought me along. So I went. I blessed the mic and sure enough, they loved me. People were buying me drinks left and right and I was overjoyed at the response and conversation. Both of us had been invited (strangely through different circles) to a house party that night. We decided to go. At the party, I drank one more which proved to be too many and Agape, who had not been drinking offered to drive me home. He was breaking up with his girl at the time, and asked if he could stay with me. Agape always took good care of me. I loved and trusted him. So, I said yes. We ended up doing a lot of kissing. And then, we had sex. Which is really a shame, because I was pretty intoxicated and I was really not any fun. After, he held me and that was really amazing. Felt so comfortable between us. A little time passed and it was late in 2011. He was hosting an open mic at Venue. Brandon, Melissa and I decided to go.

Brandon had a studio opening and invited me to come along but something in my spirit said stay. Propegolution was a buzz word in the Roc and Agape had yet to hear it somehow. He begged me to do it and so I did. When I got off the mic, I looked across the room and there he was looking into my soul. I realized that his marriage proposal was real and that perhaps my heart was curious to see what he had to offer. The energy between us had definitely shifted. The next morning, he called me and asked if he could take me out to breakfast. I accepted. We needed to talk. Over breakfast at my favorite place, we agreed to date. We agreed to focus only on each other and see what was meant to be seen. Unfortunately that chance was never afforded us. He was locked up less than two weeks later. We never went on our first date, never made love, never got to see what this was.

Over the years, Agape had asked me to marry him a couple times. I always just felt he was being young and frivolous. I have been married and divorced. I knew what it was like to raise children, buy and lose houses and have a broken heart. He did not.

In further complication to my life, Agape claimed me as his alibi. I was pulled into the case. The DA threatened to throw me in jail if I did not stand for them. I was to be flown to Rochester, kept in a hotel and made to take the stand. Having no money for a lawyer nor seeing any way out, I realized I must comply. However, I wanted everyone in this city to know whose side I was on. A few nights before my plane was scheduled to land for the trial of my lifetime, I tattooed his name across my chest. I wanted the whole courtroom to see exactly who I was there for. Now, Agape as you know means Unconditional love so I figured what better word to wear in honor than unconditional love.

This October, Agape will have been inside for five years. We will have known each other for eight. He knew long before his incarceration that he wanted me to be his wife. I never came to the same conclusion. I never got the chance to see. I have held him down for these almost five years. I am his best friend. I have tried to be constant in a situation that allows no wiggle room. I have tried to come to a conclusion, but until now, I have tried to no avail. I have had moments of sheer despair because I hate this situation for both of us. Had he not been incarcerated, I would have dated him and had the chance to see if we were meant for one another. The prison system is not a system designed for actual reform or rehabilitation. Men and women do not go inside and come out better. That is rare. It is a system of punishment, oppression, subjugation and demonstration of power. I do not even have the option of seeing Agape as he is meant to be seen.

I promised him I would hold him down till he came home. I know that I am all he has. I have been for him what any best friend should be. But, he is in love with me, and I am not in love with him. I cannot stand this story. His love is poetic. His love is romantic. His love is deep. His love is intuitive. His love is classic. But, without him here beside me, I can't really see what we are together in that way. I have seen things in him only prison could draw to the surface, and heard words from his lips he never really wanted to say. I have stood by him no matter what. But his love for me is ripping him apart.

So we made a deal. The only way I can date him (without of course bringing him home) was to marry him legally so I could go inside and spend one on one time with him. Share meals. Watch movies. Have conversation that is not being hawked down in the middle of the visiting room. I'm also involved in this case (unfortunately) and there are things I need to know. So against my own Spirit, against all the council of my inner circle, my mother, his grandmother, I married him so I could go inside. Legally, I am his wife. But, Agape and I have a clear understanding that it is a piece of legal paper to facilitate our spending time together. I was afraid that if I walked away from considering him as a romantic partner, I would live with the feeling that I would "never know" for the rest of my life. I also feel after holding him down so long, and missing him so much out here, that I deserved to be next to him for a while. That way, even if I realized what I already knew, that we couldn't be together, I would have spent some time with him and offered healing to both of us.

Furthermore, it is helpful for the case. I can meet with lawyers, get paperwork and make phone calls as his legal wife to advocate for him. I will stand by my conviction that his sentence was unfair, and that he certainly should already be on his way home. He did a lot right. He didn't deserve 17 years!
After divorcing Brad, I had no intentions to get married ever again. And outside of this situation, I never would have. I don't consider myself married right now, and I know that so many of you will probably stop following along at this point. Agape and I have a clear understanding, and though he is very in love with me, he understands my side of this and how hard it has been on me. He also is grateful for all that I have done.

Very recently, I told him that I couldn't go on like this anymore. I told him as unfair as this storyline is for both of us, I just knew that he wasn't in the right place to be with me (no pun intended). I need a comrade out here with me, someone with similar goals, someone who is headed in the same direction, someone who can hold me on their chest at night, someone who might like to make a baby with me. So, we settled that and decided we would just be friends. There are so many parts of this story that cannot be adequately explained in one small blog, but I am doing my best.

The worst part is, in the middle of all this, I fell in love for the first time in five years. The man I have been seeing is brilliant, spiritual, poetic, charming, driven, passionate and an amazing lover. Now before everyone jumps to judge me, there is nothing Agape Towns does not know about me. The hard part is explaining Agape to anyone else. I haven't even told most of my family about this. I just realized that for my own good, I really need to come clean. It is hard for me to carry all this weight around with me.

I know there is a calling on my life so without or without a man at my side, with or without a child from my womb, I will do what I was meant to do on this earth. I must be true to myself. I know that Agape and I are not in harmony. I am his best friend. I will continue to hold him down. I am scared to post this and open myself up to a world of questions, but I am tired of all the inconsistencies in the stories that float around the community and I realize a lot of it has come from me not being able to share.

I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. I love to be open and honest and raw. So many people have told me to keep my business to myself for my own benefit. This world is scared of their information being used against them. We are scared of being judged. We are scared of being rejected. We are scared of being abandoned. I am a good woman. I will continue to get even better every day. I love my life, and I have utter faith in the process. I have complete confidence in my destiny. Please love me for who I am, stand beside me and lift me up to the light.

I will continue to share my stories with you because that is what I do. I will also endeavor to not engage in storylines that I cannot share. My job is to share my journey. My gift is my song. My truth is my music. I see the next chapter opening before me. I believe that life is coming to rescue me once again. I believe in the sound of poetry my voice makes even when it shakes and cries. I will spread my wings and fly. I have so much left to give. I will never stop moving forward. I believe in Me!

Thank you all for your constant love and support.

Last night's show was amazing! I got called out of the room to have a brilliant spiritual message delivered to me. It cost me some time on the mic, but it was well worth it in the long run. As it turns out, I was all amped up for the show all day and didn't get enough catharsis, so I had to go back to Press Coffee today and had to sit back at that beautiful baby grand and play! As I was sitting there in the precious Rochester sunshine, I remembered the man in the window last night as I played "Gaze"...

So, I have to share this story. Usually, when I play "Gaze" I preface it with the story of why I wrote it, what it means to me and so forth. Last night, I strangely did not, and as I sat at the piano, the story of how I wrote it played itself out in real time. Allow me to explain.

Just before my first journey to New York City, I wrote "Gaze" with the intentions of getting us all to stop and think about connections that we feel with one another a little longer before we walk away. I think we would all agree that there are times we make eye contact, and we feel this exquisite connection. Now, it might be physical, mental, emotional, spiritual...we know for sure there is an exchange that needs to be made, but sometimes we simply turn and walk away. Sometimes, it is our insecurities. Whatever the case may be, whatever it is that we are afraid of, we miss the moment we were supposed to share with the reflecting soul.

So as I was playing "Gaze" last night, this older black man, well dressed and rocking a Fedora, came to the window and watched me play. He stood mesmerized for nearly the entire song. I made eye contact with him, and stared at him as he was watching me do what I do best. Toward the end of the song, he turned and walked away. I watched him retreat down the sidewalk, pause at the entrance, and continue down his path away from what intrigued him. I couldn't believe how perfect this was! My storyline that inspired the lyrics for my song, "I don't even know your name, love. I shouldn't have let you walk way..." were taking place before my very eyes.

As I rose from the piano, Krysis exclaimed about the man in the window, recognizing the irony. I then expressed my joy at the synchronicity of the Universe. Obviously, I was meant to tell my story. The crowd now had an even deeper connection to the title track for my upcoming fourth album, "Gaze". I just had to share...Thank you all for your constant love and support. You mean the world to me.

Propegolution

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Silent Scream

Monday, May 16, 2016

Agape Love

The Man In The Window