I would like to begin with a couple nights ago. A girl that just began working at Seabreeze blessed me with an Oreo cheesecake for my birthday. Complete with whip cream, we shared the slice and it was a nice way to begin my birthday celebration. Since then, my mother broke into my house! Hilarious, I know. But truly she gave me a hefty alarm while I was writing an imperative letter she began to let herself into my home. I jumped up, slammed the door shut and locked the deadbolt, demanding to know who it was. My mother says timidly, "It's me, honey". She thought I would be on campus and had brought my traditional strawberry shortcake and a Kindle for my birthday. Go mom! We spent some time together and she watched me take care of the fish tank and feed them. She was just as fascinated with some of their behaviors as am I. I love spending time with my mother.
Yesterday, I had a class and upon exiting my car in the parking garage, a tall dark, handsome gentleman stepped in time with me. One of the young drivers came swerving around the corner too fast and he sidestepped large in my direction. We smiled. He said, "That would have been uncomfortable!" The temperature increased. As we began our descent in the stairwell, we allowed our steps to fall in perfect meter with one another. I noticed we were watching eachother's feet. What would happen if we made eye contact? I felt like I knew him. I couldn't place it. Past life, perhaps. Who knows? We said good night and went separate ways. When I arrived at the main corridor, he was a few paces ahead of me. Who knows what conversations we would have had?
After class, last night, My friend Diana offered to buy me dinner on my birthday eve. I accepted. It was also Tommy King's first night back and a pretty big deal. I ate my meal at Seabreeze, spent some time with Tommy King, and headed home. I was missing Rochester (too many people to metion) and Kamahria and Asia and all my closest peeps. Not lonely, but a little removed. I began writing Agape a letter and Cali calls. We had a great conversation. Another call comes in and perhaps I shouldn't have taken it, but I did.
Him. My three years of laying next to you, not just a booty call but not your lady either...Him. Shoes on his feet and sheets on his bed with fish in my tank that could tell stories if they could talk. Him. He who wants (and in all fairness has some good reasons) no one to know about our "whatever it is". Him. He who I have run to in the middle of the night every time he has called me in three years. Him.
As you all know I chose to become celibate until graduation. And don't think that means that on graduation just any amazingly beautiful black man will be invited back to my place for a good time. Kamaharia said a phrase that became a theme that became a song that sings poetry to me every day as I say "no" to these beautiful men in my life. The Last Man Standing. And perhaps, I will go another year. And another. Who knows? The point is, I have a purpose and I am doing something I am proud of to combat some tendencies I have always had about me that have often led me astray.
Anyway, HE is yelling at me for something that happened months ago. I am sad. It is my birthday. I know he cares about me and I say this, "I wish you could just say it". He says, "Say what?" I say, "just tell me how you feel. You never made me your girl but obviously I matter to you". Silence. "I don't want to upset you on your birthday." I said, "take me to breakfast". More silence. I just don't know why we have allowed our relationships to slide so far in this culture. What happened to honesty being beautiful and love being spoken? I know he loves me and he has showed it in many ways. But, I am currently celibate and whether or not he ever believes me in areas I know to be solid truth, I cannot control. So, I let go. I didn't cry myself to sleep. I sighed. I tossed. Then I found peace. Then I slept.
This morning, I woke to so many shout outs of love for me on my sacred day. I have so many amazing people in my life and no matter the troubles I have seen with people who just don't know how to express their emotions, I cannot and will not give up on people. I love people. I love love. I love me. I love growth. I love free. This road I have chosen never lied to me and said it would be easy. Here we go!
As I left my home, I saw something I have never seen in my life, a cluster of bees thousands strong on the wall of the abandoned garage in the yard behind me. I took a picture (with the window up of course) for any of you who would like to see, check it out on Instagram.
Then, I stopped to get gas and a mango smoothie. My friend Melissa comes up and hugs me and says happy birthday and buys my smoothie for me. So grateful!
My birthday, as anyone who knows me would have surely guessed, has been enchanting so far and full of adventure!
And I know deep in my heart the words he is trying to say. I wish he could. But since he cannot, I will hold him sacred to my breast and let the anger of the words he DID say slip away. "The Peace that passes all understanding..."
So I played Genius Loves Company by Ray Charles & friends...great album...on my way to campus. I felt he was singing just for me. Happy Birthday to me!
I just spoke to my Adviser and had him sign off on the trip to Hanoi. The process is well in motion and I am excited for the rest of the journey toward the culmination of me walking across that stage at graduation!
I love my life!
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