Rising to the Surface

A few days ago in one of my psychology classes, a professor, uncomfortable made a flippant remark regarding rape, "What you guys don't want to talk about rape?" Between his flippant attitude and his body language, I ended up running out of the class and crying hysterically. I came to the conclusion that I was upset because I hadn't really registered how deeply it affected me some of the reactions that I got to the situation by those I love, the police, and people I was associated with.

The man I have been seeing for almost three years now, didn't know how to handle it. He made remarks about how he knew the guy (I can't imagine that from his perspective!). He made mention of how he had known us both about the same amount of time and didn't want to get involved as though it were some kind of disagreement!

A young woman at work (my workplace was unfortunately involved) made a comment "How does something like that even happen?!" I walk away stating, "I hope you never have to find out."

I had people ask me if I had provoked it, had others ask me if I wanted them to shoot him, the detective even tried to get me to re-enact it. The law sent were only males as if that made any sense at all!

We had been drinking that night. My friend that was there didn't remember the details correctly and gave the police misinformation. I don't hold it against her but it may have kept him from being locked up because our stories didn't exactly match.

There was interaction between this man and I. I invited him into my home. He kissed me at one point and I pushed him back gently. I told him he had gotten the wrong idea and after that he behaved until the rape unfortunately.

Looking back, I wish of course that I had never let him into my home. I wish I had made him go after the kiss. I wish a lot of things. However, I have dealt with the rape itself as much as one can. What I did NOT realize is I had compartmentalized the reaction of those around me during the aftermath.

In class today, we were doing our end of semester presentations. One chapter deals with rape. The presentation after my group got a little deep with the details and the man covering the chapter that deals with rape also did an annotation about the subject. He mentioned how often times women are accused of provoking it and how most people don't even come forward. Again, in retrospect, I can see why so many are silent!

I began shaking and crying hysterically in class. Seated in one of the farthest points from the door, in the middle of someone else's presentation I was forced to remain, sharing the depths of my soul with my classmates.

So many women offered support in that moment, and I have to admit it was incredibly cathartic. I called Paulie after class and realized that I had shut off so much of myself in the last year and a half not even realizing the way I had hidden it from my view. It is a lot to carry around.

As I was walking toward the library to write this out of me, I noticed the sparkles in the concrete. I have always been mesmerized by them. I realized I had become like this. My skin was concrete. Concrete with sparkles.

On my thirtieth birthday, my grandmother, Diane, gave me a set of perfume and sparkle powder by Mariah Carey. I had always given Rachael a very hard time about the glitter she left in her wake. I began wearing it any time I took the stage. My grandmother had always supported my music and to me, it was like having her with me on stage.

Since she passed away, I now wear it every day. It is my way of always having her with me.

Paul is the reason I got the steel down my spine. He is the reason I have the strength I have today. And well my grandmother is my sparkle. Concrete with sparkles. Women of strength.

Ann-I-Vers-ary

Three years of living alone is right around the corner! It has been quite the journey. It began on New Year's Eve, my first alone, three years ago. Bottle of three dollar red wine (Lucky Duck Shiraz- not too shabby), and my music collection, and the action of putting my new apartment together. My sister and family really wanted to make sure I really wanted to be alone. I really did. I remember putting everything where I wanted it and realizing it was actually going to stay there!

There are obviously things I miss about family. I miss Paul and Anny every day. I miss love. Holding hands. Romance. Dinners and dreams shared. But, I really realized last night...I like this living alone thing!

I had a friend stay the night in my bed. The middle of the bed was apparently the only place his body longed to be. He slept restlessly and tossed every time I was sliding into sleep. I went to the couch. The fish tank was too loud. So, I came and did a couple hours of Spanish Lab homework online. Around three thirty I tried again. Around four, just about to drift off, his alarm woke me. I went back to sleep after he left. I was supposed to get up around six and overslept till just after seven! Yikes, I had to be on campus in less than thirty.

He felt bad of course. His dreams had kept him restless. Perhaps, I should have pushed him to the far side of the bed. It's been a while since I've shared my bed with anyone on any regular basis. I realized, I have arrived to a point in my life where not only do I know what I want and need in life, I am also willing to sacrifice what needs to be forsaken to make it happen.

My home is comfortable and decorated with much passion by someone (me) who has worked very hard to earn a living while living alone, attending university and working a full time job. It has been a very important three years of my life.

Yesterday, I hit a wall, not only because of the end of semester but because personal items of concern I am confronting right now.

Those of you that know me best, know that I face a daily challenge in the area of love in a very complex and challenging situation. This relationship has made me face parts of my self that I very much needed to bring to the surface.

I am not a chess piece. I honor the wealth and vibration of my own soul. I sleep in peace (most of the time...lol) at night. I am on a mission! I do not want to be labelled, qualified or organized into a pretty package by anyone. There have been many in my life who have offered to the wellspring of my existence. I am unorthodox. I am true to myself. I am just a girl doing her best to live an extraordinary life.

Sex, love, life, money, school, houses, bills, travel and all the things that a thirty six year old woman would be thinking about...well, I am still thinking about it, but from my own perspective.

This brand of love tattooed across my chest is truly no misnomer. I believe in Agape love with all of my being.

As a Psychology major we study culture, social dynamics and biodiversity factors in a ever augmenting structure of values and goals. Society is made up largely of people who are comfortable remaining in the standard deviation. Those few of us who are outliers relish in being complex characters with other avenues of success than the norms society offers us. There are leaders among every population, on every continent, from every decade. Be true to yourself. Don't be afraid to shine. Stand tall and follow the calling only your soul knows.

There is probably not one among us who can honestly say that what others think of them does not factor into their schema of who they believe themselves to be. Whether it is parents, siblings, best friends, lovers, media, peers, or the random glare of a judgmental stranger, we are all affected by the perception of others about who we appear to be.

I love thirty six! I am just about to stand up and claim my sovereignty. I am just about to rise and say, I am me. I love me. I am not ashamed of me. Please love me because I am beautiful just as I am. We all have room for growth and I intend to continue to grow daily, exponentially for the rest of my life.

There is still much to be accomplished in this end of semester leg of the journey. Adieu for now and more on this chapter closing later.

Thank you all for your continued love and support and faith in all the I am still to become. All that I am. All that we are: Together!

Follow your inner compass for it shall guide you safely home!

I have unfortunately been the victim of much LGBT prejudices. I hurt for those who do not allow all beings to find their way. If we are not harming another, I think we should be free to lead our lives as my own inner compass proscribes. I am in touch with the Divine in my fashion and formulate my beliefs based on much prayer, meditation, fasting and study. I feel that we all have the right to communicate with the Divine in our own fashion. I unfortunately have been antagonized at many different workplaces across the years. One story I would like to share was perhaps the most intense for me. I was a personal trainer at a gym in North Carolina. I also worked Child Care in the early mornings for extra cash and because I have always loved working with children. There was a particular family who had three highly unruly children. Somehow I worked some magic with them and was able to have them learning, and playing successfully with the other children. The father was very impressed and stated that his children never listened to anyone but them and that he was amazed with my abilities with them. I was moved to tears by the response I had received. He even told my boss how impressed he was and how he only came during my hours because he was getting much more out of his workout while I cared for them. A couple weeks later, my girlfriend dropped me off at work because she needed the car. When he saw our squiggly gay pride rainbow he glared at me with an intense hatred. When we kissed one another goodbye he exploded in rage. He spoke to my boss and asked for me to be removed from my post saying he didn't trust me with his children, especially his daughter. My boss mused over the situation and handled it with care. He said that he found it amusing that he had just come to him telling him how amazing I was with the kids less than two weeks prior. My boss told him to workout another time or do not bring the children because he had no intention of losing me. A couple weeks later, I was in Wal-mart with Adele. They were shopping, his daughter (about 6) ran up to me threw her arms around me and said, "Miss Christi. Miss Christi. I miss you!" His father demanded she get away from me immediately. The other two were jumping up and down in the cart. The mother whisked the kids away from me as the father proceeded to spit in my face. He told me that I was an abomination in God's eyes and it would be better that I were dead. He even went as far as to ask if I had ever touched his daughter inappropriately. I told him I was bisexual not a child molester. I shook and cried and Adele and I walked away quickly from his ignorance. It surprised me to my core. We have a long way to go!

Infinity!

It has been an incredibly long day. For those of you that do not know I work in a restaurant. One of my besties, Tommy King wore a pedometer on a double once and walked about 21 miles. He never walked nearly as much as I do. We hustle. We lift, walk, bend, lift, think, speak, remember all day long. I love the activity. I love connecting with people. I love remembering. I love the physical ache at the end of a long day. I love making people happy.

I often close the house which means I check the other servers out and make sure everything is ready for the morning. As I was signing one of my co-workers this evening, I made my signature loop that I have on each of my pieces of art, and every managerial document I have ever had to sign, the backs of my checks, etc. My signature. She said, "you know that is the symbol for Infinity Love". I sunk hard into the dark black earth. I miss him so much.

I have never gone this long without hearing from Infinity Won. I don't know where he is. I need to hear his voice. I miss him.

For years on end I was engaged by one long term relationship after another. I just spent three years laying next to a man who is deep and intelligent but just doesn't know how to engage others with that beautiful depth. There were nights I lay next to him in silence, feeling the vibration between us. Knowing how much he cared for me. Knowing I would never get to hold him the way I know only I could.

I love love. I enjoy lust. I love taking care of someone. I enjoy the intricate details of pleasure. I love when someone knows you and can do a little thing to make you laugh, make you smile, make you suck in your breath with butterflies in your stomach. I love touch. I love truth. I love stories that never end for days. Long walks and persuasion. I love trust. The truth is that I have held more love in the palms of this soul than any woman should be allowed to. I am honored by the universe. I miss Brandon. He is the last one that I made LOVE to. Love changes everything. With Agape behind bars, my parameters have had to be augmented to suit the need of my present condition. I must admit at times it is much less than easy.

I love dining, breaking bread and sharing stories. I love kisses. Spiritual conversation. I love sensation, teasing and foreplay. I love long walks and honest gazes. I love praises that have backbone. I love the ringtone of someone you have been waiting to talk to all day. I love faith.

But after three pregnancies that I tried hard to protect against, and several unwanted sexual complications, sensation comes with limitations. I am invested in this life. But that does not change the fact that I also have physical desires. The emotional need to be held. The desire to meld with someone. I miss Brandon.

I will never forget one particular night (there were so many that amazed me!) that I got out of the shower and sat on the edge of our blow-up air mattress bed and wept. I mean, that kind of soul weep, can't stop for fear of still breathing, don't know how I am ever going to survive this chapter of my life, weep. He sat behind me his chest against my back, his legs around my legs, his head against my shoulder, his arms around my body, and held me. He held me. He held me. He held me.

Mister three years of silent depth never really put his arms around me. I am not dishonoring him for he is an amazing and beautiful soul that just has not yet found his freedom, but I needed it. I longed for him.

The truth is that not many in this life can mirror your own soul quite the way you like. I remember another night where Brandon and I were dancing and we were like complete mirror images of one another. We were incredible.

In every union there are things that are perfect, things that don't quite make sense, and things that really irk you. Nature of the beast. But now I sit and I wonder what to do with myself. Where to go at the next turn. Feeling the power of this new moon and knowing that this chapter is going to knock me to my knees, knock my socks off, leaving me begging please and wondering how I ever missed this open door. So much is in store right around the corner for me. I just know.

So Brandon Margrueal Correa. Please let me know where you are. I miss you terribly. I cannot bear this life without you. Please come home.

LINKED IN!

So, I really had a very long day and as I was in the shower just really wanted to share some amazing things that happened today. I signed up for something called Linked In via USF and apparently, I just needed to spend twenty minutes even  finding access to my blog. Sometimes connecting networks is a really bad plan. I realized I had poured so much of my soul into this blog! What a scare. But here I am and I really just want to tell you a story that happened today that kind of blew my spiritual mind.

I was at work. I had not yet had my first table. A woman walked in the door. She felt familiar. Perhaps, I had waited on her before. I seated her in what I believed to be my section since I was the only one without a table. I sat her in one of my co-workers sections by accident and the young lady said I could go ahead and take care of her.

The woman was waiting on someone. A reporter. I was asking her what she would like to drink when she noticed the Agape tattooed across my breastbone. Her eyes welled up with tears as she told me her husband had recently passed away and in his last note to her had written: Agape, look it up. She said she really admired the work of the artist and was thinking maybe she would also get it tattooed on her somewhere. I was sorry for her loss. I then noticed the necklace made to resemble a dog tag around her neck. Just this morning I had put my jewelry on and had almost worn my father's dog tags. It said "Semper Fi". The spiritual nature of the physical world is marvelous!

Now my eyes welled with tears and I said to her, "I don't usually tell people this. But, Agape is also a man. A Marine that I love very much. More than I even understand. He is in Attica. Right now until 2026. She asked for what. I answered with caution. She related it to something in her life which of course related back to me. I asked her if her husband had been a Marine. She said "No. My son".

Now I was really afraid. Had she lost them both?!?

She said he had been shot by our side. On accident but nevertheless paralyzed. She said, "Rain. You will never believe this part. His middle name is Rainey". She stood up and put the Semper Fidelis around my neck. She embraced me and we both began to weep.

I am in constant awe of the algorithm that guides me. I am satiated daily by the things that cause me sway. I love my life! I am amazed by the strength of this woman. I will leave her identity anonymous for now in respect for her life and her privacy. She promised to keep in touch and hugged me as she left. I am moved beyond the words on this page.

Love. Life. Now.

The Interconnectedness of all living things.

Whether you think of life as the six degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon or the mysterious spiritual nature that guides us through our existence, we all know that when one pays attention it is amazing the way our path tends to puzzle piece itself together in front of us. I love the serendipitous way that things interlock and unfold. I love how we are given the meal of life one morsel at a time. My earnest endeavor is to learn to savor each and every bite. I am amazed by the miracle that my life is and am overjoyed at how much beauty I am allowed to behold on a daily basis.

I am three weeks away from the end of my semester. It has been a largely eventful week, some things of which I am able to speak and others which I must only allude to. My head has been busy with many thoughts. Many people and circumstances have forged their way into my life and I am enticed by the mystery of this enchanted life I lead.

There once was a man from Barbados. True he had me intoxicated for a few days. We kissed A LOT! His accent alone had me unfolding my wings and singing songs only the ethereal realm knows. I chose however to listen to my mother's words and take them seriously, "He is a distraction." I was upset the day she said them to me. Right now, as I am writing this piece, he is walking passed me in the library without even knowing I am here. No concern. Only irony.

He spoke of this area and its overcrowded concrete spaces. He spoke of my poetry and the stanzas of my phrasing. He spoke of my beauty and the scent of my physical being. He spoke of my facial expressions and how he felt I needed to take my appearance more seriously. He spoke of my jewelry and how I presented myself. He almost had me when he uttered passionately yet distantly, "I feel like an ant in a concrete jungle. I want to return to my island." In the end all he wanted from me was to relieve his male urges, and I graciously declined. He in typical fashion decided not to respond and withdrew from my life completely.

The man I have been seeing casually and forging a friendship with the passed three years has not invited me over to spend the night in over two months. I realize this time we are really done. I have written much about him and his influence in my life though many of you will never know who he was and how our story unfolded. I wrote a song about him, "There's a man that I love in this life. So beautiful but so bottled up inside. An intricate puzzle box mystery. Almost three years and still I long to see. I love me some you. No matter where this might go. I love me some you. No matter who doesn't know. There are things I must do to survive. And some nights that included being by his side. And the silence so loud in between communicates in corridors of my dreams. I love me some you. I love me sum you. No matter where this might go. No matter who doesn't know. I love me SUM you".

I haven't heard from Brandon in several months. Paulie just moved down to this area. So many elements fighting for space in this brilliant and sensitive Piscean heart. I love love.

The truth is I am working on a degree. The truth is once I have finished this degree I will be working on another. The truth is that I give all of myself most of the time. The truth is I am trying with all my heart to heed the words of my mother. No distractions!

I have been in one long term loving relationship after another. I have fared well in the corridors of love. After breaking up with Brandon though I really have changed my approach, what I allowed, my interactions all together.

I am thirty six soon to be thirty seven and all of my heart desires to see Cadence born. With Agape behind bars it is hard to know where to go or how to approach my ideals of love and family. Sex and dating is not what it once was and after all that I have been through on those subjects, I have tried to make safer practices, leave more time between encounters, find new balance on who I trust and allow to have a taste.

I am pondering all these things while also remaining focused and driven along my spiritual path. I know that my destiny requires me to walk faster, work harder, think more carefully and be slightly segregated from the fold than most. I am engaged by this commitment. I am ready for this life. I will continue to give all of me and continue moving forward.

The fact remains that like any other being I have moments where I am incredibly alone. There are times when I just want a man to hold me. Times where I just want a kiss; someone to hold my hand, take a walk with me or share a meal. I love good conversation. I love mystery. I love the way life unfolds. I have complete faith of my direction. I have complete faith in my ability. I have complete faith in the amazing people who offer me love and support even in my loneliest hour.

Thank you to all of you! I could not be the woman I am without you.

In this (almost three years) time of living alone, I have become stronger, found solidarity, come to know myself in a very solid way. I have even become funnier. I am more relaxed in my own persona. I enjoy my life immensely. This New Year will be three years and I will continue to celebrate this gift of 'me'. I have become my soul mate. I have allowed the light of the Divine to flow through me. Waiting tables continues to teach me to iron out the flaws in my personality and also strengthen the best of me. I am becoming all that I am meant to be and am happy to have so many amazing souls walking beside me. I have more than one soul-mate in this life and no matter what is required of me to complete my objective this lifetime, I promise I will run the race strong. I will finish well. I will offer up all that I am and all that I am yet to become to helping those that are aware leave this world a better and more brilliant place.

I believe in the exponential potential of each and every one of us, beginning with me~! Let's go!

Three Years Eternal

I would like to take a moment to update everyone on how this semester has been. First I would like to say thank you to all of the amazing people I have in my life who have offered love and continuous support in this incredible journey I lead. I am honored by your presences and find myself to be the richest girl in the world!

I would like to take a moment also to thank my Father and Paul Shapiro for taking time to show me how to take care of things that women were never taught once upon a time. I have fixed my toilet twice this week (and with a paperclip I might add!). This New Year will celebrate three years I have lived completely on my own. It has been an amazing three years filled with so many stories. What would my life be without the continuous cycle of obstacles and blessings?

I chose to take four classes this semester and was told I must take an honors class in order to be an honors student. This was something I wanted very much and since I had already enrolled in four classes I opted to take the fifth required honors course. I also became involved in a lab which I am enjoying immensely and along with a few valued cohorts of mine, am starting a campus organization. I am still working a full time job and somehow have managed to complete the writing process for my upcoming third album, "In Quiescence".  I have many stories to tell and often joke I could write several books per day. I am enthralled with my life.

It has amazed me each and every semester how I choose classes randomly and somehow they puzzle piece themselves together serendipitously. I am thankful that within these three years I have become much stronger and more independent, more aware and well rounded. Waiting tables continues to help me effectively work out the parts of my personality that are out of spiritual balance. I love the harmony of the universe around us and the plethora of knowledge always at our fingertips when we are paying attention.

I have learned much from maintaining my fish tank, from rescuing Cleopatra and finding her a home, from working with a wonderful group of ladies in attempt to shut down Attica and get Agape out of there. I have learned how to better connect with various types of people and have become quite funny in the process.

I have enjoyed this time I have been able to spend with my family. My mother even got her first tattoo the other day. I finally have my wings and I am not afraid to fly. Watch out world, cuz here I come.

I remember when Amen and I were working on the second release to After the Rain. One of the bonus tracks was a song I had just written. I was sitting down playing keys and a little nervous in his studio. He told me what a beautiful voice I had but reminded me I must sing from my belly. Today, I was practicing for Album Three and was amazed to realize how far my voice had traveled with me! I said to the air around me, "Amen, I am singing from my belly. Can you hear me?"

I am thirty six years young and have so much life run through my veins. As the Native Americans say, "It is a good day to die". However, I am utterly grateful I am still breathing.

I just wanted to stop and say thank you to all of you, my mother and father especially. My sisters and my nieces and nephews. My inner circle. My friends. My co-workers. My Professors. My classmates. My comrades in the struggle. The intrinsic beauty of Nature. The Divine Life Source. I am honored to be alive.

I know I have not been as available this semester. Many of you reach out to me daily just the same. Never stop reaching. I love you all!