As you all know, I decided to abstain from a few things until my graduation this coming December. I gave up seafood (making me now vegetarian), alcohol, and yes, SEX! A lot of you offered support and have been cheering me on. A lot of you asked some imperative questions like: Why are you doing this? How is giving up sex going to make you stronger? Why give up something you really enjoy? What about the memories you will be missing? In January I said no to my main man of three years three times! He tried to wrap his spirit around what I am doing but I think it still was a strike to his ego. I never would have wished this but yes, I expected it.
Then, My beautiful basketball player was in my living room holding me on his chest, laughing and catching up. Making out and then, we knew it was time for him to leave. He was so brilliant in his exit. He really understood. He supported me. Life throws you twists around every turn and the last no was perhaps the most difficult.
We went Downtown and sat for a couple hours. Talking. Comparing notes. He felt that December was unfair because I was leaving. He stated his case: we had much to offer one another. We could reflect in one another's spirits and bodies and forge memories for me to take with me when I go over seas. He almost convinced me. In his living room it was more complicated. I asked him for a couple days to think things through.
Life is not guaranteed to be a certain length. After watching Life Malcolm's son be murdered and realize that he had things he wanted to say that he will never get to say, I realized that I must be at peace with my decisions. See, I have lived carpe diem. I have taken life by the tail. I have so many brilliant stories.
I called Kam. We spoke in great length. That morning as I had been driving to campus, I was in the center lane approaching a red light. Five cars in the right lane and five in the left. Highly unusual as there was not one car in front of me. The light turns green as I pass the five cars on each side of me a song begins to play, "Linkin Park: My December". Had all the no's really proven what I had set out to prove? Was this my December? Should I engage his proposal fully and allow him to be my man until I leave? Was this right for me?
See, Kirstie said something in her incredibly wise way. She told me that asking others their opinion would not render peace in my heart. It was my thoughts I needed peace with. As I soared through that center lane, I realized that I needed to feel complete peace with whatever decision I made.
So I spoke to Kamahria, I know, not exactly Kirstie's advice yet sometimes hearing others opinions makes yours more clear to you. By the time we were done with our almost hour long conversation, I had decided that I was going to engage this warrior till I leave for the Peace Corps and see what our souls had left to offer one another. Make brilliant memories to take with me and grow into more of the woman I am yet to become. But I didn't have peace.
So I spoke to my mother. She knows the struggles I have seen with sexuality, and being faithful to myself and my partners. Lust is the drug that has got me into trouble on many occasions in many situations (many I have already shared on this page). I need to prove this to myself. I am waiting for something specific. I know I am asking a lot of a mate, but I need all of what I am asking for in my husband to be.
Sex without love is frivolous at this point in my life and not that he was offering me only sex. I just feel like making it to December is necessary. I need to show the world I can. My mom said as an up and coming psychologist I had to show myself that I can overcome before I can teach others to do the same. That was when I knew she had me. There will always be beautiful men and women asking for my attention, my body, my mind, my spirit. I have to stay true to me. That is when I had an epiphany.
I am my soul mate. I am my wife. I am my husband. With the light of the Divine inside me, I can accomplish anything. I used to cry myself to sleep almost every night when I first began living alone. Now, I truly enjoy my home. My time. My space. My laughter. My breath. My reflection. It is profound. I don't need a man. I want one. But the right one is a necessity. I would love the honor of bringing a child into this world. I would love the pleasure of a husband, best friend, comrade, confidant, and partner for life! But if I don't get that, I am just fine this way.
True love is not one solid line; instead it is two parallel lines travelling in the same direction. My journey requires enough of me. It will be fortuitous to find someone travelling in the same direction at the same velocity. That is why I have resolved if it is part of the plan for me to walk without a mate, then walk without a mate I shall.
Between talking to Kam and talking to my Mom, I did believe I was going to break my fast and engage with this beautiful and brilliant man till December. In that time I did drink. However, I have not had sex, Have not eaten flesh and will not drink anything else till graduation. I must stay my course. I see the brilliant woman waiting at the other end of this: Sovereign. Autonomous. Free.
I am happy that I was able to walk through the intensity of especially the last temptation. I am honored to have such vibrant Kings in my life that would make me want to sway. I am also not foolish and I know that the temptations are no where near over. But I have resolved my purpose. I must do this. I must march on.
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