Reciprocity

Without giving away in depth details, I am sitting here head clouded due to someone I love deeply and have taken very good care of throwing my love in my face time and time again.

What happened to owning up to our faults? What happened to being honest with ourselves and those closest to us? Honesty is the best policy? Not in today's society.

I am wounded. It is hard when you are a giver. A healer. A born nurturer. Anyone who knows me would say that I have a very big heart and I do all I can for my fellow travellers.

I love to take care of people. I enjoy finding the details of someone and honoring their needs. I really find peace and healing within myself to be able to nurture to people around me. Of course, the older I get the more I realize that I have often given more than I should to a person who was in essence merely using me. Now, I do not feel this is the case in the story I am alluding to. But, what I am wondering is where does the percentage of reciprocity need to rest in order for it to be a healthy and balanced relationship?

For so many years, I have just accepted the fact that I was going to give more in any given relationship because that is in my nature. I found joy in the giving. Joy in the healing. Joy in the nurturing of someone elses spirit and physical well being.

What I have come to realize is there are not too many of us left out here. I am not saying laud and praise Rain...I am merely saying that in this category I exceed most and am tired of being taken advantage of. I have plenty faults in other areas which I am sure we will cover at some point.

So here I begin to deeply ruminate on the concept of reciprocity. In my thirty third year, I have been single for the first time since I was well, eight. I am realizing that while all of the relationships I have ever forged were beneficial to me in some fashion, I have never taken the same energy that I pour into a lover or friend and poured it into myself.

Now, I don't want any misconceptions, I take care of myself. But to what extent? There is not much I would not do (within an ethical realm) for those I love. I believe in giving all you can to help a fellow traveller along their way. I am just beginning to realize that if I continue to expend energy to this extent, I will never fulfill my own needs. This is not acceptable.

Time to make major changes.